Unable to reach GMail. Trying to reconnect now...13 seconds

Well that's how I have been feeling for the past many weeks now. Trying to reconnect to myself but those endless 13 seconds...oh man! And then the most unexpected of things makes me actually reconnect. It's a different matter reality makes me disconnect in just 13milliseconds - reality like the emptiness after a phone call. But before I lose the steam and say to myself - 'write what Jinu??' I will just scribble.

I went for a movie, zindagi na etc etc... and I felt I haven't been myself in so long. I have come a long way in the last 5 years - from being a dreamer to being pragmatic. It is so unfortunate and unbelievable that this transformation has left me so empty. I remember going on road trips when I was 18 or 20 or 22 and I'd let my hair fly, I'd pull out my sunglasses and have them switch the a/c off.. I'd plug my music and stare at endless farms and all I knew was I loved the wind on my face. I loved that green and brown and blue. I was lonely but I wasn't empty. I thought of lovers gone and lovers to come, I thought of best friends, of beautiful rainy days, of mad fun nights with girl friends and of quiet evenings with family. In the midst of all that I wished I had a cycle in the boot of the car or there was a river with a boat. I was happy when I traveled. I wanted to travel more and some more. I made long endless lists of places I wanted to visit - from going for car rallies in Germany to going to UK for the Wimbledon or simply hitting the beautiful Indian country side. That wanderlust is now gone and it has taken away the joy of the breeze. I now tie my hair tight and wear sunscreen and read books about successful businesses.

The quintessential Indian upbringing that I've had, I 've slept under the star-lit sky many a times as a child. I relived that joy a few years ago...on a rather weird night. It was a moment that lasted for all of 10 minutes but has stayed with me forever. On that night, someone said - I am the girl everyone wants to be with - carefree, independent, smart and yet a childlike excitement in everything I said or did. Soon after that night, the child died. My life was suddenly empty. I wanted to fill my emptiness with checklists. 1. Nice job 2. Good education 3. Life partner and many more such things. Some of them have come true and some are yet to materialize. What have these checklists made me? Unhappy, arrogant, hungry and dissatisfied. Well 4 such adjectives might be a bit of an exaggeration but its not too far from the fact. The idea was to have this checklist while I stayed in touch with myself but I guess it doesn't work that way. Well I am being unfair to my thus far wonderful life... after all every now and then I've let my hair down and had fun. But the point is I don't feel like myself any more. I love the fact that I am grown up, responsible and not a maverick but what the heck I feel I am trying to fill every empty space with one thing - marriage. Yes, my overrated, over discussed wedding. My poor fiance has been a victim of many a tortures because I stopped thinking about anything other than us and the life of 'togetherness' ahead of us. Togetherness of what? I asked myself today - of suffocation, possession and insecurity? That's not who I am. Latest signs disagree though! I am all of those and more. I am forever angry, forever cribby and forever unsatisfied. Only because I've stopped being myself, stopped letting go, stopped having fun, stopped being excited, stopped reconnecting.

While I've been pondering over how to be a better person through the day, the movie just helped me stir myself a bit. From tomorrow right now will begin a journey towards a better me. So here is the checklist, here are the action items things I will do, willfully, for a better me, a better life -

1. Manage anger - calm down. It's not always about you. Move away and look at it. If you are getting angry, just tell yourself - think about it again.

2. Manage relationships - Soulmates are different from lovers. Both need to be preserved. Lovers take the form of husbands and become fixtures but soulmates are drifters. Don't let them go.

3. Manage responsibilities - towards myself. I will do what ought to be done but I will not lose my sleep over it. Nothing is the end of the world.

4. Get a job - Not for money but for occupation. Empty mind is devil's workshop and depression's holiday home. I won't let them stay. I will get busy, productive. And I will know that not finding a job soon enough is NOT the end of the world for sure!

5. Read, relax - HBR doesn't help you unwind. It's a bit more noise. Read what helps you evolve as a person not as an employee.

Ok enough said. Here's to a better me. Adios Amigos!

Self Evaluation

I rated myself on a scale of ten and gave myself a big L. Yes, L for Loser – on a scale of ten it is equivalent to an L. haha nonsense, I know. But what the hell, life is also such non-sense. This whole now-what feeling is so horrid. I’ve lived my life in ‘what-nexts’ and so these frustrating ‘now-whats’ are rather rare events and weigh me down heavily. There have been primary what-nexts like wanting to move cities to interim what-nexts like how to make the next week, month, quarter exciting.

So let’s trace back to the year 1999, yes 12 years back. All I wanted was to get out of home and live by myself in a hostel in a new city and study. Year 2000 and I was off, living by myself from draft-to-draft (yes, bank drafts of Rs 3500 that dad used to send every month) and making new friends and going to new places and trying some new alcohol every time I could. Of course, the necessities and comforts like food, clothing, shelter, scooters, restaurant food were provided for by dad but the luxuries like Fosters beer (and eventually KF and then Smirnoff and then Absolut) were provided for by sister’s part-time job salary. The girls made the ‘what-nexts’ exciting from 2000-2005. Damn those five years of incredible youth! There were many cheap thrills in my list of what-nexts which gave rise to vices like ‘many-readers-know-what.’ Of course there was this ‘has-to-be-done’ part which was score decent enough grades so as to continue being a nomad. Then there were unaccounted-for occurrences like boyfriends and heart breaks followed by an immense sense of liberation which also motivated certain further ‘what-nexts’ like higher studies or jobs. Of course, the jobs happened and so happened Hyderabad and happened another, raise-the-bar (bar - literally and figuratively) BFF. This was also coupled with many interim ‘what-nexts’ like foreign visits and promotions and awards and crushes. And then came the major ‘what-next’ of I cant stand this life anymore so let’s figure it out. Then there was home and then Bangalore and then Bombay and the agency life. Then the ‘what-next’ took me to school and I had the wonderful last year – none of which has been documented but is etched in my memory forever. The interim ‘what-nexts’ in the last one year were quite arbit and ranged from ‘should I take up a job again’ to ‘what do I wear for the Nth party tonight’ to ‘wtf will happen if I don’t submit this damn assignment.’

Ok let’s not get carried away - the biggest ‘what-next’ of my life was – Do I marry this guy who is just so awesome but will completely uproot my perfect world of the perfect job and the perfect salary and the perfect bank balance to buy dad the perfect car and push my perfectly carved near future to another century. I decided to make the plunge and let go of the perfection. Clearly, I was (and am) in love. Which rational girl would otherwise decide to move to a new country with a man she’s met for all of 10 days and to stay jobless for months and be willing to cook for him and live with him and be his wife? So, scary as it may sound, I am anxious but not worried about the future has in store for me. My ‘what-next’ these days is about buying the perfect sarees and perfect jewelry and everything else that is perfectly within the budget. What an impossible ‘what-next’...sigh!

OK then why did I give myself a big L again? Because there is this eternal frustration of feeling like a sub-optimal character that does nothing all day but eats, sleeps and hopes to lose weight after all the dal-rice and mangoes. There is the frustration of not using grey cells and wanting to use this time discussing interesting articles from HBR or working on a business-idea (No, there is none.) But the biggest reason I’ve given myself an L is because I can’t believe my list of ‘what nexts’ has turned out to be so lame. Shopping for wedding? Really? Job hunting in the US sitting here is a futile attempt. Of course ‘that perfect job’ is on my list and ‘that beautiful life of eating a sandwich with him under the golden gate’ is also on the list. But time just doesn’t seem to move. Nothing seems to move. No ‘what next’ can come true if time moves at this pace.

So, where were we, again?

Tete-a-Tete with The Man

After a long blogging hiatus, I am back with some interesting new introductions. So here’s presenting the one and only, husband a.ka. punching bag/alternate ATM/body guard/driver/all-new-best-friend. I guess the best way to introduce the man is by presenting his own views about himself, about me and about marriage in general. So here’s our blogs very first interview. Presenting - PV! (***applause!***)



1. Tell us something about yourself - the way you are as a son, fiance, friend and/or an individual


Ans: I think as a son I would have preferred being a less annoying child in my adolescent years. I don’t think I was naughty kid, but I don’t think I have risen to my dad’s expectations and would like to be able to do so some day. As a fiance, this is an action item for Jinu (Jinu only responds to MBA/Office jargon and everything has to be presented to her as another action item). Friends, I don’t know if I can make friends like you do Jin, friends for whom you can do anything for. I have a very pragmatic relationship with my friends I guess. As an individual I am practical, passionate about computer security and emotional.

1. You are such an eligible bachelor, pretty much any girl in the bay area would be on her knees to marry you. Why a girl so far away? Why Jinu?

Ans: I am far from being an eligible bachelor. Girls in the bay area? It is called Gay Area/Man Jose for a reason. Jinu because it just worked out in every way.

2. If you were to tell our audience 3 things about finding the right life-partner, what would they be?

Ans: Don’t over analyze the situation, know who you are and then know what you want.

3. What have been the most exciting moments for you in the past few months?

Ans: Planning for our HoneyMoon :P

4. Have there been any ups and downs? How did the two of you deal with them?

Ans: Yes there were a lot of ups and downs, talking and being honest and saying the right things even if it hurts the other person is probably the best way to approach these kinds of issues.

5. You must be rigorously planning your wedding now. Are you nervous, excited? Tell us how you feel right now.

Ans: I don’t know if I am as rigorously planning for the wedding as I am for the honeymoon. Absolutely excited not nervous. Should I be nervous?

6. What are the things you are most looking forward to after getting married, other than the obvious of course :)

Ans: Not always having to call someone or the other if you want to go out for a hike, a new restaurant or exploring new things. Always having someone who will back you up and encourage you to pursue things out of the box.

7. What is the most special thing you've done to please her so far? Has she done something out of the ordinary for you?

Ans: I am a pretty boring person when it comes to surprising things. I think by far the gift that she cherishes the most is a book called Ifferisms that I gifted to her. On  my birthday she created this website on which she noted down all our memories together. That was damn special.

8. Where do you see yourself - the two of you and your relationship 10 years from now?

Ans: Hopefully back in India with both of us in good positions career wise.Babies, a house with a garden and two adopted dogs.

9. Thanks a ton for your time and for telling us all these beautiful things. Do you have any closing comments? Any special message for her or our audience?

Ans: Keep reading and recommending this blog to others. I think Jinu gets paid for the google ads that get displayed on her blog. So the more the richer she becomes.

Coming Soon!

Ola amigos! It's that time of the year.. rather it's that time after an entire year! It's the time to get back to blogging, to being arbit. After a crazy year of disappearance, I hope to be back with vengeance in the next couple of weeks. Just to update everyone, 2nd April is graduation day (Yes, I am a Yem Bee Yayy!!!) I got engaged in December and sister popped out 2 of them beautiful kids on Holi.

So much to recollect and write about the beautiful mornings and gorgeous evenings that the last 1 year gave me. The mad parties, days of daze, sleeping in the class and finishing assignments until the deadline is a minute away, crazy friends, crazier parties, the insanely huge Holi.. oh God it was too much too soon. Hands down the fastest year of my life and it was as fast as it can get!

There is the moving to the US in October and the unending excitement about everything. Hopefully writing will happen more often. Amen!

I want to write

I really do. All I can think of writing is what I have been up to at B-skool. I know I am missing out on a great chance to document the best times of my life by not writing often. Isn't this how special moments become faint memories of the past?

Time is a big constraint with all the classes, assignments, club activities and not to mention, the parties :)

Falling in love is nice but settling in love is not so nice. Well I don't intend to harp over this for much longer because I don't want to read this ten yrs from now and think 'how lame were you girl'!

I should've probably made it a point to write 1 post after ever term, that is 2 posts by now and very close to the third. Will try this term break I guess. Life's good so far.

Doing the due

Haven't been writing off late.. totally not a done thing. Life's been real hectic here with all the course work, exams and assignments. Its been a month and I feel exhausted already. 1 year's going to be tough!

I am glad I am where I am, not because the institute is of repute etc etc but because I feel like my purpose of learning is being met. I feel so much more intelligent in a month;s time...! The importance of having peers from diverse backgrounds and having certain years of work life experience makes so much sense. Learning here is holistic. My peripheral questioning has improved. I meet new people and I know how to be polite yet keep a distance - something I struggled to learn for many many years.

The long phone calls are still on and we seem to have reached a completely different level altogether. December is far but not quite so. It's a good feeling. Sometimes it gets a little tiring with all these long college hours but we seem to be managing well. If I choose to crib, I can find faults here too but I haven't had a nice experience in almost forever so I will focus on the beautiful for the moment.

Dad's on facebook and there is mass excitement among cousins and friends. Everyone seems kicked about it. I quickly changed privacy settings on some albums. Saw my little cousin's pictures on FB and I see he's grown up to be this really handsome young man. So proud of him. He's given me limited access to his profile. We used to be so close at some point.

None of my regular blogger friends seem to be reading/writing these days.. what has happened people?

I cant write in an interesting way anymore it seems. But I am happy as long as I write something every few weeks. I <3 you my blog.

Beginning of a journey called ISB

:)

That smile was for finally being able to open the once exploited link - www.blogger.com.

Here I am, at Hyderabad, after a 20 month break, 3 cities, -ve bank balance of 20 lacs and a few hundred kilos of apprehension. I am at the Indian School of Business. The much coveted B-School in India and as I'd like to believe, across the globe. This time not as a visitor or a candidate but as a student. A rather difficult 12 hr bus ride with dad and without mom, I entered the 260 acre campus 2 weeks ago, on 10th of April. I dont know if it was the tiring journey or the tiring paperwork or the load of expectations that almost instantly killed all the thrill of  making it to this place, the moment I entered.

So far it's been 2 days of registration process, a week of orientation - or disorientation and another week of pre-terms i.e laying foundations of basic mathematics, statistics and accountancy. The O-week was all about team building activities in the hot Hyderabadi sun and the pre terms were about sitting dazed in every single class, hoping people would shut up. I've never seen such a confluence, of 500 people who all think they are the best and want to tell everyone that they are indeed the best. I don't mean to doubt the capabilities or the achievements of people who are here but the effort behind trying to get noticed is ridiculous to my mind. I have always considered showing off in any form - physical or intellectual as the ultimate sign of weakness and to a large extent inferiority complex. This theory of mine, is of course debatable. More so because I am trying to transform myself into a deeper, mature and accommodating person - so passing value judgements like this is definitely not going to help me be who I want to be. So hopefully, by the end of the year I would have proven my own theory incorrect.

I have been one hell of a reserved person in the last 2 weeks. Except for this one night when I went and actually hit the dance floor, I've consciously kept myself away from any form of limelight. Why try to fake it? Also I think introducing yourself individually to 500 people is a time taking and tiring task. And to make the process less monotonous for yourself, you have to come up with different tones and levels of excitement or introduce a new facet of yourself to everyone and exclude some already used adjectives about yourself. The bandwidth required for this task is huge and I have now simply given up. I dont speak unless spoken to and speak as little as I can - just to make enough conversation to acknowledge a question and to avoid traps of further small talk.

Tomorrow begins Core Term - 1 and so begins the madness to catch up with peers at class, finish assignments and prepare for midterms which are exactly 3 weeks from now. I can already see time flying.

The next one year, will hopefully be better than the last 1 year. Amen!

I am bigger than the bank and better than they want to believe

It's kinda odd how many drafts I have... incomplete, heart felt drafts that I never finished and posted because I am so drained out. The paperwork, guests at home, the sense of being lost is all so overwhelming. And then there are pipe dreams which become dreamier with every passing day.

Education loan papers haven't come yet and I have 48 hours from now to leave for Hyderabad. If I dont get it, then this is what my suicide note will say - "Too bored to apply for loan elsewhere. Will try being born in a richer family than go through this shit again, so bye peeps!"

I am missing having chai at the tea stall in Santacruz, next to my office and abandoning work for hours together to gossip about everything from homosexuality to infidelity and money to drugs with my only friend in that beautiful city. My hometown feels like its hit by a disaster and is just recovering from death....I miss the Bombay buzz!

I miss rummaging in my bag for a pack of milds and the matchbox. I miss the light-headed feeling after 2 drags and how the smoke takes some of the crap off my head through my lungs. After a couple of wreckless months, I am clean for about a month now and except for the occasional craving, I am good.

I slapped someone very 'random' in my dream. I don't know where it resurfaced in my memory after almost a year, and that too at a subconscious level, but it suddenly felt  like there was a closure. Ah what a moment that was, so what if it was a dream! That slap which I can replay in mind in slow motion and savour as many times as I want... aah what an orgasmic feeling! I woke up smiling and feeling victoroius.

On second thoughts, what a loser I am to not have done this feat in real life... anyway!

I am suddenly lost after typing all this. But I am determined not to save to drafts but to publish post instead.

And yes, I am better than they can imagine. Ever.

Buddha Baap - The Old Man.

Daddy - my ultimate epitome of tall, dark and handsome. Yes, he is all 3 in an extremely handsome package. He had dumbbells at home to pump up his biceps and he played racquetball and went for a run and stayed fit. He is still just as fit. We watched Rambo on Star Movies year after year and I always said to him - He is Rambo without the scars. One near-death experience, 9 months on the hospital bed and he was smiling. Why? He was now a total Rambo, with the scars and all that. Yes, that's my daddy for me.

I beg, borrow, steal money from him. Ok let's put it this way - I snatch money from him in 3 ways - begging, borrowing and stealing. My dad has limited means but I know he will always find enough ways to give me money when I want it. All expensive things are bought by dad. Any place that accepts cards, daddy will buy me things. He is the one who gets those expensive shoes and cameras and clothes. He is not an ATM, he is a vending machine for everything.

He is the man who knows when I am thirsty and am not asking for water because I think its a hassle to stop the car. He is the one who knows I am longing for Jumbo glass Pineapple juice at our favorite stall. He is the one who promptly goes out at midnight to get emergency products on day 1 of my chums. He is the man who patiently waits outside the salon while I get excess hair plucked and nails polished. He is the one who can smell yummy Samosas and Jalebis from a kilometer and will drive in that direction no matter where he has to go. He is the one who will make us pack up our things at 9PM for a 6AM trip 600miles away. He is the dad who can make 20 lecherous men look away with just one stare. He is the one who knows exactly what kinda stuff I trip on when walking on the streets. He will still clutch my hand tight when I cross roads.

He is the one who is SO freaking proud of his 2 daughters and will talk about us anywhere, anytime and to anyone. He is the one who wakes up with a startle at the thought of me getting married and going away. He is the one who still loves me and protects me like I am a 2 year old. He is the one I hug, clutch, hit, shout at and do and say all nasty things to. He is the 6 ft tall man who, even after 30 years, smiles at his 5 ft short wife when she is yelling at him.

He is the man who made his way into the big nasty world - all by himself. He is the one who has never ever let anyone challenge his integrity. He is dignity personified. He has lived in limited means, raised his family maybe not in riches but with the maximum quantum of love ever. He is the ultimate family man and the awesomest father.

I love you daddy. I will probably never show you this blog but you should know that there is no one as important and dear to me as you. You are a dad better than one can even dream of. That tight hug and peck on your bald head 15 minutes ago was the daddy-daughter version of this post. I love you so much.

P.S: Buddha Baap in English translates to Old Father, Baap being the crass-est way of saying 'dad', in fact bordering rude. I've addressed my dad as Buddha Baap since I was 5.

Checkmate

(Part 2 of Checklists)

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She reached home only to get the most dramatic and movie-like call of her life. She'd probably never imagined that what was to follow would be just as dramatic but with an end that only life can offer.

She was fiddling with the bunch of keys to figure which one was the right key and her phone buzzed. She is neatly arranged with her stuff, unlike most girls her age. She knows exactly which pocket the cell-phone is in. The phone said - D Calling...

She thought in an instant that she now had to deal with a delayed or canceled flight of a delayed or canceled love of her life. She answered the phone anyway

Him - "I did not board the flight. There's somethings we need to sort, to undo. There is mess in my head and I need you to sort this out."

Her - "You know the way. Get home. I'll order some food. Get some tea-leaves on your way back."

Him - "Ya we gonna need that. You are smart!"


They both giggled and hung up.

She knew what was coming her way. Life had been quite predictable for her and the predictability was the only surprising factor she had. He took just over 40 minutes to get home. The doorbell rang and she got the door. For a change, she was surprised.

It was as if they had exchanged emotions for hugs when she left him at the airport. She stood there, calm and peaceful, smiling, without a speck of anxiety on her face, like he usually does. And there he was, fiddling with his stuff, his phone, looking all clumsy - just the way she is around him at all other times. He did not know what was the right thing to do or say standing at the door like that. She stepped up, hugged him and said come on in. He seemed relieved. At least the awkward silence was gone.

He sat in the living room and said -

"Dont run inside to get dinner. Sit here. Right here. If I dont say it now, I can never say it. I've felt just as strongly as you have in the last couple of years.  I've dated other women with you on my mind, just the way you dated other men without ever getting over me. I did not want you or me to get into something beautiful and then not know what to do about it. You and me together, with your career aspirations and my family ties, are a logistical nightmare. We will never work this out. But I understand very well that logic hasn't helped us much anyway. I want to finish this. I want to feel close to you and I want to cherish this as something more than a friendship. Its a mistake. But I want to do this. The ball is in your court."

And for the first time, she felt weak in her knees. She wanted this and she did not want this. She knew exactly what would happen if she denied him what he offered. She would never ever get over him. She will be an emotional wreck. She also knew what would happen if she gave in. She would live in the memory of that 1 day for years to come. She'd anyway not get over it.

This time around, her head and heart did not manage a healthy debate. There was no time. Her heart decided to call the shots and her body was a mere puppet in the hands of her heart. The next thing she knew, she was next to him, surrendering whatever trace of logic was left.

The next morning, was a morning like no other. They were 2 people in love, happy and perfectly at peace with life's shortcomings. They knew the situation they were in and knew that it was perfect. Both of them called in sick at work and spent the whole day together, laughing and having fun. He left by the evening flight and promised he wouldn't come back this time around. They both giggled over it.

She got home and knew that Utopia was where she lived in the last 24 hours. She knew she'd go through the pain of nostalgia, but she also knew that she felt complete and happy today.

She looked at her checklists on the fridge. She realized that the best things in life are never a part of a checklist. They just happen when you don't plan for them. She crashed on the bed and smiled - a smile of victory to her life.

And wishes come true :)

Dint I tell you my life has reached a period of legendary weekends?

So after all those months of GMAT, switching jobs, staying up all night to write essays, pestering ex-bosses to write recommendations, I finally have heard from the 1st college that I had applied to. And I have heard on the affirmative! Yes, I am joining ISB Class of 2011 on April 12 :)

So it is back to Hyderabad for me now. Yes, the stale Hyderabad but I am not complaining. It's new people, new campus, some old friends and a year of frolic.

So blogging will either increase a lot or decrease a lot! Tomorrow (hopefully) is my last day at work. It's then back home to arrange the monies and eat some awesome food and go for long walks by the beach with mom. And then shop for college.

Hyderabad, get ready - your lucky charm is back ;-)

P.S: Ya Ive chucked my American dream. At least for the moment.

There are good weekends, there are great weekends and then there are legendary weekends.

No prizes for guessing, my life has entered the zone of legendary weekends. 1 of my 5 girls is now engaged and all set to tie the knot in August. We always knew she'd be the 1st to get married and we were right. (unless one of us ties the knot in a jiffy in the next 3 months. naaah!) The news was revealed in our own style - the pictionary style. Yes we guessed looking at pictures and did not react out of sheer disbelief. There was this deafening silence to start with and then deafening shouts of Oh My God!! thereafter. Of course, there was unlimited alcohol and crazy drunkenness and dancing followed. Then there was the quiet time in the balcony where everyone was drunk beyond wits and we were letting those skeletons out of our closets.

Next morning was all about dealing with hangovers and planning for that day's lunch and all the lunches and dinners we would do before the big day. There is a designer visit for the sarees, the jewelry store trips and trying to figure what to gift the bride. And of course the bachelorette party which will be something no one has seen ever before. I wont give the details out because the bride is an occasional reader at this space! :)

There is also the saga of goosebumps and denial and acceptance and happiness and sadness that follows with the first wedding in a bunch of childhood/teenage friends. But all in all there is only one way to describe the mood of the season - Happyyyy!

Hearts bleed.

It is not always that a terror attack chokes your voice. An average human being almost never dies of a terror attack. It is perfectly normal to want to write slogans and feel empathetic towards a nation's loss. But how does one justify weird imaginations?

Those bastards planted bombs in my German bakery. In OUR German Bakery. There might be 20,000 other people writing about this right now but each one of us is going through a different feeling in a painfully similar way. I've spent umpteen weekends at German Bakery with the girls and with my sister. The coffee pot, the apple pie, the tiramisu cake and the mushroom omlette. The cigarette stall next door and the silver jewelery shops. Those handbags and embroidered t-shirts on the 1st floor. Those sign boards saying - Drugs and Pets not allowed. Those wooden stools and the cute chink waiters. Those men and women in white/maroon chogas. Those little kids coming in to sell flowers... that's German Bakery for all of us.

My German bakery is mindless laughter with the girls. That evening with Cams when his bike was towed away. That afternoon when we played 3-things-you-hate-about-me and fought like school children. Those celebrations for everything - from passing Physical Exam to French, buying scooters, cars, new cell phones, cameras, birthdays, break-ups, holidays, new jobs, joblessness. We've celebrated life in general at German bakery.

Somehow when I saw the video clippings on TV I kept imagining that one evening when we went after Gayu bought her car. It rained that evening. We clicked so many pictures and had so much fun it is inexplicable. Today I kept imagining all of us getting blown up in the midst of our giggle fits. I know, it is a sick imagination but the fact is it could've very well been us. If not for Budds' plan of coming to Bombay, I was supposed to be in Pune and we would, in all odds, be in German bakery on a Saturday evening.

Germany Bakery must pick itself up and get operational soon. I hope it is just a rumor that its shut for good. This Saturday we'll go see whatever is remaining of our German Bakery.

You bastards, you can kill us. Try killing our memories. Hah!

Twenty Five and Counting.

I always wanted a cake-less birthday. I always wanted a birthday without friends yelling for 24 hours straight and shoving alcohol down my throat and buying me flowers, gifts, balloons. I always wanted one birthday where I sleep until late in the morning, don't go anywhere out and read a lot. My 25th birthday is a landmark day for me. So what if I dont have any of the things I wanted to have on this day, but at least I willed silence hard enough to get some peace of mind through the day and 3 hours of absolute solitude in the night. It was nice to spend an hour over the phone having mindless conversation with someone just as mindless as me.

I gifted myself an external hard disc and an anti-virus. I did a quiet dinner with family. At the tick of 12 marking the end of that birthday, my best friend called me and I burst out laughing. 7 straight years and he still thinks it is on the 7th, not 6th.

I have always been quite excited about growing up. I still am. I like the way it makes me rigid and how I fight that rigidity. I like the way it makes me look forward to bigger, better, more elusive things in life. Growing up is a mystery that gets only more complex as time moves. It never simplifies the puzzle. And that's where the fun is. Growing up is not boring. It is difficult at times, yes, but there has never been a dull day in this process.

Of course, there is the painful drill of birthdays where you do an (un)reality check and assess what your net assets and net liabilities are. The balance sheet never tallies and the profits are not evident and you only hope you will see them in another 2 years. Birthdays are a sorry reminder of what you are not and what you don't have and a mocking solace of all the trivial things you've managed to stumble up on, carefully picked up and made them look like achievements. Birthdays are a date stamp against all the goods and bads of your life. I have never understood the need to mark red-letter days anyway. One day in a year (2 when you are married) to celebrate being who you are? Now that's being fucking low on self esteem. I'd rather celebrate being who I am each time I feel close to myself, on days I want to hug myself and say 'you'r a rock star', on days I smile at no one in particular while walking on the dirty bylanes of a stinking Bombay.

I don't hate birthdays. I can't deny the fact that its a logical celebration - to celebrate the precise moment you came into being and to thank your parents for having faith in you even before you were born and bringing you in the world knowing you will live.

I wonder if at the pretext of saying birthdays are trivial, I ended up giving it too much importance in this post and in my life in general.

On a side note, February is a beautiful month of the year to be born in.

Essay - My House

I wrote this essay when I was 5. And I spoke of all that I had in my house. 4 rooms, a lawn, a car, loving parents, a sibling. On the verge of 25, I write this essay again. And I realize I don't have a house yet. I have a few places with loved ones I can call home and go live at but I don't have a house. 


I don't have a house that's devoid of noise and that feels like me. I don't have a house with a reading room - a room with wall-to-wall mattresses on the floor with shelves on 4 walls that stock books. I don't have a house with a small living room. If only I had a house it would have had pictures in solid black frames. It would be a house with plants and without fish. If I had a house it'd smell of old books and lime. The house would have no extra racks. My house wouldn't have collections of antics. If I had a house, it wouldn't have a mini-bar. This hypothetical house of mine would be a purpose driven house, not aesthetics driven. It would have sunlight that I couldn't handle. It would have 2 long chairs. Just 2. The house would feel like me and have bright colors. 


If I had a house, it would have no calendars but would have a huge wall clock. You ask why? So I'd know how many hours more I could read in the room with the wall-to-wall mattresses and how many hours before I drew the curtains. The clock would tell me when to water the plants and when to step out to smile at random people on streets. I'd sleep well before the clock strikes 12 and guess what? I wouldn't have to bother about the ticking calendar.

Escape is easier than change. So I love vacations!

Why is it always so difficult to articulate beauty?

After about a month of dilly-dally the trip finally happened. I went to Goa with the girls. Probably my best ever vacation. Ok I might sound thankless for all the other wonderful vacations I've had but this was hands down the best time I've ever had! Colva, Majorda, Calangute (yuck!) Bagha, Candolim, Anjuna, Dona Paula, Panjim, Old Goa (ok not an architecture fan), Alcohol, dancing, driving, drunk driving, cops, bike breakdown, water sports, borrowing clothes, footwear, accessories from each other, getting pissed off and bursting into fits of laughter, sitting quietly for hours and contemplating about nothing and everything - it was all there in the last 4 days.

We spent hours at the beach, sitting on those long foot-ons, thinking to ourselves some hot guy will zoom towards us in a water-scooter. But as all of us know, life is not that kind. Forget water scooter, we did not even see cute guys at Totos or Brittos! And the ones who looked cute, if I showed you those boys you'd call me a pedophile. Yes we've all suddenly grown old. I couldn't even drink for the first half of the trip and I almost told myself this is the last time I am going to Goa - after all you can't sip pots of ginger tea at Goa, can you?

We drove hundreds of kilometers in the state, got a crazy tan, drank loads of coconut water, alcohol and tea. We slept until late during the day and stayed awake through the night. What was so different from your regular vacation? Well nothing. Then what makes it so special? Just the thought that it could probably be one of my last vacations with the girls for a long long time to come.

The same feeling again, that I get each time I am having a good time - life is so easy around people you know and you love. There is no pretence, there is no pleasing. They don’t care how terrible you look in those night clothes and yet make fun of you when you are dressed at your best. You don’t miss anyone, there is no wanting to make calls or worrying about  what the future might hold or how bad that last year was. Time comes to a stand still and yet moves so fast. There is no earlier in the day and no later in the evening. All that's there is that moment and the feeling of utmost satisfaction with what you have.

And then there is the power of the supreme. Standing alone in front of the roaring sea at 2 am makes you feel so small, so petty. Driving alone on a dark street tells you the darkness is for a reason, for a reality check. No matter how powerful man gets, some things will continue to dictate their supremacy. The sea can give you the same feeling that those mountains can give. They are harmless at that instant but can get nasty. You don't want to provoke the beautiful waves in the ocean, the darkness of the night, the silence of the mountains and the evenness of the deserts.

Vacations are getting better. Hopefully life will get better too. The hot sun is sometimes more comforting than the cool moonlight. As of now, I am back to this shithole of a place called office and to bustling Bombay. It helps to know that there are enough bounties of nature to leave behind your mundane life at and to feel alive for a few hours every year, in the name of vacation.

P.S: Do not spend on high SPF sunscreens.

A memory is what is left when something happens and does not completely unhappen.

Happy New Year peeps!!!

I've been meaning to write for a while now but there has been no happy thing to write about. I wanted my 1st post of 2010 to be a happy one and if you see my blogger drafts for the last 20 odd days - you'd feel so bad for me. I churned out some semi-finished depression filled posts. I've been going through this endless process of submitting applications, staying up all night and working at office (a thankless bitch of a place!) This kinda schedule leaves little or no time for basics like food and sleep, forget blogging.

Anyway, cribs apart, I've been listening to some very cute telugu music (trying to read up lyrics and wondering what the mumble-jumble of vowels is all about! hell yes, its my mother tongue but still!) and anything telugu brings only 1 memory to my mind. No, not mom's weekly routine of sambar rice. It reminds me of my 2.5 years at Hyderabad. Those 2.5 yrs which gave me my budds for a good memory and a zillion other things for a bad memory. I hated the first breeze of that place when I landed there. I hated where my hotel was. I hated the locality where I moved in. I hated those malls that stocked piles of tasteless clothes. I hated those movie theatres which almost never played good movies and when they did, there'd be no tickets available. I hated the streets where people spat paan on your pants. I hated those mindless flyovers running from somewhere to nowhere and from nowhere to yet another nowhere - clogging traffic and making you sick of looking at tasteless buildings lined next to each other for 10s of kilometers. I hated the night clubs - they were a hangout zone for a bunch of rich wannabes figuring out how a mojito is different from a long island iced tea. I hated how the only bearable place in the face of hyd, a quaint little cafe at jubilee rd no. 36, called my cafe latte turned into a monstrous and ugly and loud coffee bar. When it was small, we spent every weekend for 6 months at the cafe, talking to the waiter in marathi and buying classic milds for the weekend at the pan shop next to it.

We spent countless hours at those bad malls, on those crowded flyovers, in those bad cafe coffee days and baristas, stood in those long queues for movies, walked on those risky bylanes, went to those bad clubs with bad music and terrible crowd and shook a leg, got fooled by half of the town, spoke endlessly about mindless topics like love and past, sat at home out of frustration, downed zillions of litres of tea, coffee, read books, slept, sat and did nothing, went to spas for massage and ate bad sandwiches thereafter for hundreds of rupees.

Me and budds were eager to leave Hyd the day we went there until the day we left. But why am I not surprised that cute telugu songs bring back memories of hyderabad, not in a bad taste, but in a tone of reminiscence? That's because we spent every day at Hyd telling ourselves - these are the best days of our life, no matter how fucked up they are, they are good because we are together. To have fun, to crib, bitch, to get wasted, to do nothing and to do everything.

And boy were we right!

Year end Rover-isms!

It's a bad time to write a post, aint it? I mean people are out visiting places and here I am typing on a screen? Well, I am having such a gala time that I had to write!!

Vacation, Parents, extended family, new members in the family (cuuuute little baby girl, to be precise) loads and loads of sleep, yuuummy food, touristy trips in cramped up cars, sleeping on mattresses strewn all over the place because there are 30 people in a 5 bedroom house, waking up in the night and crossing over people's legs like you are in a refugee camp, sneaking to the terrace and talking over the phone to the girls, cracking nasty jokes and beating up brother. Now THAT is life!

Well 2 legs of my 3-leg vacation are over. One was with sister with parents and the other was extended family in remote parts of India. It has been so awesome so far. Now it is time to relax, unwind, shop and of course, sit peacefully and finish some writing for MBA Apps.

I sometimes think to myself I am such a list-freak. I made wishlists and some more wishlists and so many new year resolutions  and loads of other lists. I accomplish about 40% of what I say and end up doing soooo many other exciting things that I could've never imagined. Like living in 3 odd cities in 2009 and dating some menace in the name of men, for instance. And guess what, despite knowing that my listing doesnt help much, I still make loads and loads of lists. And I am ready with many more new yr resolutions. The funniest part is my lists are as lame as they can get. Like lose weight, read more, eat healthy, reduce bills etc. haha! That's pretty much my list for this year too, actually! Oh ya, since Jinu V 2.5 will be launched in Feb (yes, I turn twenty freakin five!!!) there will be many more lists to ensure I dont hit quarter life crisis and I continue feeling like a bird or a fish or a kite or a pebble or a dry leaf (yes yes all those poetic things that are supposedly free!)

Ok I've lost the point. Anyway, I was deleting sms-es from my phone today and the one person who's sms-es I cant delete is NB Her love messages can very well get me rid of annoying boyfriends. All I have to do is rename her as a guy on my phone and people will think I am married :P I lovvvve u girl! And then theres my sister. Her messages are ALWAYS asking me to say sorry! I wonder why.

Anyway, it is not a great post for 30th December of any year but I feel happy about being so happy and for having all that I have. Though I could do with the job of a florist, you see. :)

Good girls go to heaven. Bad girls work at ad agencies.

Good girls become iBankers. Bad girls work for ad agencies. Good girls are the ambitious types.

Good girls become Chartered Accountants. Bad girls work for ad agencies. Good girls are the studious types.

Good girls become doctors. Bad girls work for ad agencies. Good girls are the respectable types.

Good girls get proposed 3 times in their life. Bad girls work for ad agencies. Good girls have a dearth of desperate men around them.

Good girls have a life. Bad girls work for agencies. Good girls have office timings on the lines of 9-5.

Good girls dress up. Bad girls work for agencies. Good girls have the time and motivation to dress up.

Good girls eat healthy food. Bad girls work for ad agencies. Good girls don't believe in alcoholism.

Good girls don't have bronchitis. Bad girls work for ad agencies. Good girls don't know how to light a cigarette.

Good girls sleep on time. Bad girls work for ad agencies. Good girls don't stay up all night for TVCs.

Good girls wear deodorant. Bad girls work for ad agencies. Good girls don't know how perfumes are different.

Good girls do the right things. Bad girls work for ad agencies. Good girls don't know how to live it up.

Good girls go to heaven. Bad girls go everywhere ;-)

New Year, New Decade, New URL.

It's that time of the year when we sum up the last 12 months. But end of 2009 marks the end of a decade too. I see newspapers, magazines, tv channels etc summing up a decade of the nation, economy, politics and the world in general. And my life is also quite eventful, at least eventful enough to command a decade-wrap post on my own blog!

Before I begin my looong never ending post, I'll just explain why I changed my URL - cuz when I started writing a year and half ago, 'whatjinuwants' made sense. Now it doesn't. I now feel like a rover in the head. It will change again when I stop feeling like something else, I guess. :)

2000-2009 saw me pass high school, graduate, meet some amazing people, work at amazing places and with some awesome colleagues, plan life, figure out who I am, what makes me happy and what troubles me a lot. I found lovers, best friends, lifelines, boyfriends. Life sorted me out in a lot of ways and confused me in some other ways. I moved from being torn apart about one thing to another. I inculcated virtues and adapted vices. I lied, got lied to, I did not cheat but got cheated. I realized life is not always fair but it all evens out in the end. I learnt how to follow my heart, retain dignity, look beyond the trivial and be happy. Just happy. With or without it. Whatever that 'it' is.

I made plans and I failed plans. I cried less and I did not hate anyone. I went on to be more laid-back, less focused and found peace in being direction less. I experimented with loads of things

I learnt what being rooted means and why blood ties are so beautiful. I learnt that only a mother's love is unconditional. I realized how I hate waking up in a room with more than 2 other people. I learnt cheating is a need and not all acid tests are meant to be passed. I realized everyone has a reason for doing what one does. I learnt how to give benefit of doubt.

What I did not learn was coding, mountaineering, giving myself enough time, saying a firm no and swimming. I did not learn how to get better at a debate and how to talk less.

The new decade brings with it some promises and some fears. I will go for higher education - don't know where and when. I might just find myself a soul-mate or a companion for life and if I am plain unlucky, a husband - just that. I will enter the 25th year of life and will look at exploring life more - a lot more. In a nutshell, I've had a great decade with few mishaps and some tremendous experiences.

If there is one thing I have to take away from this decade to the next, it'll be just one lesson - That everything happens for a reason. A good reason.

Random updates

I dont have much to write... its just that I feel like writing :P

Its been an okay day and a nice evening. Nothing special about it except that I went for a drink with a gay friend. She gave me some perspective on things and I could tell her in so many words how the movie Milk made me feel a little queasy. And we spoke of life and relationships in general. There was no work talk and there was no talk of my MBA. Yayy!

I am wayyyy behind deadlines - wrt to both short term and long term goals. My salary will be late this month and I am broke. I have a body ache which kinda tells me I will fall sick. I hate certain aspects of my job and yet I am so much at peace with my life. I think thats called finding comfort in discomfort/beauty in breakdown or whatever. Ok why dramatize the whole thing, just because its my blog? I am in an i-care-a-damn attitude today and might wake up after 7 hours thinking I have a terrible life :P

I catch this power-nap in the bus and I like feeling all Bombay-ish. Busy and hassled. I think the small town girl wants to feel all city-like. hehehe. My phone is out of charge and I dont want to hunt for the charger in my bag. Will let the battery die and will give the Biz Dev team a bad time tomorrow. I love playing the bitch :P Anyway some people dont have a cell phone for a few days so I can't even SMS them. :|

I cried all over public forums today that I am homesick. The bodyache is getting terrible. I am sitting on an 'easy-chair' which seems quite difficult. I want to sleep for 6 months. I think it is the sickness making me type such random stuff.

Thank you for putting up with this crap. Gnite peeps!! :D

Half of my heart.

There are these days when reality comes, slaps your face, pulls your hair, screams into your ears and says - Face it!

That happened to me last evening. I finally came to terms with Gayatri leaving. For a while I've been avoiding talking about Gayathri's saga of India exit. I avoided it when she said she's leaving. I avoided it when I went to meet her one last time in Pune and I completely ran away from it by not going to the airport to see her off.

I've been telling myself, she's just around the corner, Dubai is a neighboring country etc. I spoke to the girls about her, thought I'd go see her in Jan and what not.

But it struck when I was finalizing my weekend visit to Poona. Damn. No Gayatri?! It was almost like coming out of denial. And then our conversation last evening - where we realized it doesn't seem like too long ago when we went to college and did nothing but eat, drink and make merry. Quite literally. The lack of money and commitment and responsibilities was awesome. But we did own up to our share of hard work after those 5yrs. And we did a great job. Today we are all so settled and unsettled at the same time.

We feel distant from each other and so close at the same time. We lack time but we could do with fewer hours in a day. We like the freedom and yet we are not very sure as to how free we are. We want to find someone permanent in life and yet feel so jittery about settling down. We want to act like crack-heads but we know we can't. It's beyond us. We are young but not young enough. Old but not old enough. And I don't want to term it quarter-life crisis. Don't ask me why.

This crisis seems so bad only because in the last 4 years we could have done with a few hours over the weekend at the coffee shop and could've continued being who we are. At least for a couple of hours a week.

I now feel how being present in spirit is actually a lie. No matter how much one means it, physical presence is just something else. We have metamorphosed into different people. And the change was necessary. But without each other?

Gayatri, I'd have loved to be a part of your change. I'd have loved you to be a part of my change.

I'd have loved to see you while you said what you said to me and I'd have loved to tell you little details of crazy things I hear everyday. I'd love to ask you to pick me up and I'd love to give you company in queues at the court, at the bank. I'd love to re-live those 5 years at the cost of the next 5 years. But does life give us too many options?

I am teary eyed in a long time. Gayathri with an H, I really never knew I'd miss you so bad.

Half of my heart is you Gayu. I love you.

The greatest risk in life is not taking one.

…and I've taken mine. Again.

I wonder if life is indeed this unpredictable or is it just me. I think it's just me. If I were to put a timestamp against last evening's events, I'd say I traveled from North pole to South Pole in a span of 30 mins - FLAT.

I moved from being complacent to irritated to happy to scared to insecure to i-don’t-care to I'm-done in a matter of 3 - 4 weeks. I know it looks damn unbecoming of a 24 yr old to go through all this on some important/practical aspects of life. I learnt that marriage is not like buying vegetables. If you do that, you indeed end up buying yourself a vegetable. If you want to buy something that's not a vegetable, then you can't buy it - because it is NOT a vegetable! If you end up (like me) being able to actually buy a diamond at the pretext of buying a vegetable, then you are wasting a gem. Do yourself a favor and let go.

I am not any more grown up after this saga but in fact I have come to terms with the fact that I am far from being grown up. Just as I learnt the meaning of Surreal a few months ago, I learnt the meaning of Commitment-Phobia yesterday. I chickened out exactly at the time when any other girl would be swept off her feet. I am scared of getting swept-off. I like being grounded. That's my comfort zone.

I feel the same way I felt twice (or maybe thrice) earlier in my life - Light. So light. And yet again, I know that only truth can get you peace. Mince words and you are fucked. Speak your heart out and people appreciate it. At least my friends did. They are shocked and relieved at the same time.

I think past, future, love, companionship and practicality are so overrated. I have made peace with my career plans, my instability of head and heart, my juvenile behavior at inappropriate times and who I am in general. Now life will take its own course.

They say 'Choose your own fate, else someone else will choose it for you.'

I choose to choose my own fate.

Pink and Purple weekend.

So it was a great weekend. I went to Hyd for an interview at a world-class B-School. I did a mediocre or even a sub-standard job of convincing the panel as to why they should take me. I couldn't articulate my thoughts well. My answers did not convince me, let alone convince someone else!

But for a change it was not something that bothered me. I did not come out with a heavy heart or a sinking feeling, which I otherwise do when things don't go my way. I loved the sight of a campus and I knew I want to be there on some campus - this or some other. I felt small in front of the interview panel, which again was a great feeling. When you are surrounded by people who think you are doing great for yourself, it is important to have someone criticize you and wake you up from your fairytale dream . I felt I have a long way to go and at the same time I felt convinced that I was doing the right thing.

There was of course more to the weekend than that. There was the best time ever spent with Cams. There was watching of 8 movies, head massage, making omelets for breakfast and dal rice curry for lunch. There was going out at midnight for ice cream. There was feeling sick and getting pampered. He stood at the interviewee lobby at the campus, like a body guard, in t-shirt and denims without for once feeling awkward around all the immaculately dressed candidates. He was way more nervous than I was! He spoke to me about certain life-changing decisions of my life and gave me some perspective.

I felt I never left Hyd and he never got married. All the credit goes to him for treasuring me and loving me a little more every passing day. I haven't had a 'Thank God I have him/her' feeling in so long! I left in the morning with mixed feelings - so happy that I have him and so sad that our little vacation was over.

And as always, I know that one good time comes to an end only to make way to another.

Work hard, Die Hard.

Agencies do this to you.

You lose all track of time only to keep up with deadlines. They bring back old vices. They make you stay up all night.

You start tending to yourself in the midst of chaos. You are your own office boy and your own boss.

You cannot deliver and you cannot delegate. Yet you do both.

Your body aches nonstop and you don't know what to do. After all you cannot pop meds every single day!

You skip breakfast and you skip lunch. You do not eat dinner because the 90 cups of tea you've had have killed your appetite. And your sleep.

You sleep for 3 hours on weekdays and wake up because you know you missed your deadline. You stay up all weekend to come to terms with who you are. The day you sleep for 8 hours on a weekend, you wake up with a hangover of sorts. Your body doesn't recognize 8 hour sleep after all.

You do not know whether you are 18 or 50 years old. You don't know if this is what a learning curve is all about. You wonder if you've gone up the hierarchy or slipped down 2 places.

You think of people who matter to you and the ones to whom you've stopped mattering because you were so busy chasing time.

You try to relax on your way home. You plug your iPod and it seems like noise. You curse the music industry for 10 minutes in your head and agencies for another 40.

You summarize your day as 'fucked up.' When it is not that actually. But how do you even differentiate a good day from a bad one?

Probably the day you hear - Good job! from someone. Anyone. Even the guy who clears your desk of tea cups. And somewhere within you know the day will never come.

But you know you've done a great job. And you say this to yourself - "I work for a fancy agency. Professional hazards are probably what I experience everyday. Never mind, I am awesome!"

P.S. The title is grammatically incorrect just to keep it open to interpretation!

(Not) Just another day in my life...

Funny things happen to me all the time.

Last evening was particularly weird. I had a laughter bout with my colleagues for about 15 minutes and I was in the highest of spirits after a really long time. Just while I decided to pack up and leave with a few of them for a drink and a bite, I had a stupid argument with another colleague. Totally ticked off I decided to go gulp it and call it a night not before the clock struck 12.

Still to take an auto, I heard from a client and had some work piled on me at 8 in the evening. We decided to split at about 10 so we could all go home and work some more. (Agencies are a mean, ruthless place to work for. A post will probably follow soon! ) We went all over Bandra looking for an open bar only to hear from an auto driver that it was a dry-day!! We have dry-days in India exactly when half the town is desperate for a drink. :|

With no motivation to eat, I decided to head home. I have a rather long journey back home from work. Non-peak hours take me a little more than an hour to get home. I waited at the bus-stop for what seemed like eternity. After 25 minutes of standing, bored of the 8GB music on my iPod I couldn’t wait to sit in the bus and catch a quick nap so I could get to work as soon as I reached.

Just as I took a seat in the bus somebody sat next to me and asked 'coming back from work?' I was taken aback and realized it was a psycho. Some doped out idiot spoke to me incessantly until I reached my stop. I did not speak a single line but he was hilarious! He told me his name, age, profession (or the lack of it) marital status, hobbies, family and what not. He sang a song to me about strangers since I wasn't talking to him and how he thought I wasn't talking because my mom said - Do not talk to strangers! He told me how he thinks Bombay is such a lonely place and how he will soon go to Dehradun!

He soon sickened out since I wouldn't talk to him. He then spoke to the bus driver, gave him a shoulder massage and started singing songs with the radio that was playing in the background. All in all a harmless but idiotic co-passenger. I swear if I were not that pissed off, I would have spoken to him at length and have had a nice time :P

Anyhow, I got home only to hear some snide remarks from my brother about how I loaf around the place. How I wish that was true! Super-irritated I skipped dinner and crashed only to have a series of nightmares.

So glad it’s a new morning now!

Reality Check

Let's face it. Every girl has a conversation with her chic friends about 'the dream boy.' And the answers are always quite idealistic. Typically there are 4 broad categories of answers-

'Ok he HAS to be fun, outgoing, shouldn't take things to seriously, and is chilled out.'

'Ok he HAS to be rich, I am so used to my fancy cars man… I can never do without them!'

Ok he should be a simple, intellectual, smiling face, pleasant guy.'

'Dude he's gotta be good looking man.. I want beautiful babies :P'

… and it goes on.

I have also given some crazy answers depending on what frame of mind I was in. In fact I gave different answers at bookshops, coffee shops, pubs, rock shows, office, home etc. Now that I am faced with a real life situation, I am stumped. I want a bit of everything I said and I want nothing of most things I said. I am doubting my own conviction of a lot of things. I have realized I don't know what is important for me.

If I were to define who I am, it won't be more than my credentials. Some deep dive and I see that I am nothing more than my past. A past that I never planned, never asked for. A past that I love and a past that I don't think could have been any other way. And today I am trying to predict my future based on my past. I am trying to create a future. I am convincing myself that I can be a little different from what I have so far been. But how true is that? I always said I want someone who lets me be who I am. But do I want to continue being who I am? What AM I anyway? If only I knew!

I wish everything was as easy as making friends. Where we start without inhibitions, expectations and pretence. Where there is no point to prove and there is no debate of right or wrong. Where we know the other person not by asking questions but by watching them.

And then there is the love. I think experiences are not such a great tool after all. Wonder where love fits in the mesh of practicality, companionship, dependence, independence and life in general. I think that zone where discomfort becomes a habit and comfort is taken for granted is called love.

… just when I was wondering whether or not to end this post and how, my iPod shuffles and brings me to this song -

Hold on to whatever you find baby, hold on to whatever will get you through… I don't trust myself with loving you...

Blah Blah Blah

There is this post I've been attempting to write since what seems like eternity. I edit it every single day and look for the right words - that never, just never come out. It's a good-bye post. It is to say goodbye to my lifeline for the last 8 years - as she takes off from India for good.

I can't ever express what she is to me and how Pune will never ever be the same for any of us 4. Though I will try and finish my draft post - it is unfair to write about her in the same post where I plan to rant about my life.

So ya 4 hrs of travel (standing, mind you) is not the thing I looked forward to in life. This 4 hour travel brings with it other restrictions like getting back by 10 in the night, zero social life and no time to spend the money I earn. The effort of traveling in locals is not worth the time and money I save. Stinking arm pits, women pushing/nudging/fighting, being thrown out of one train and into another etc is definitely not my thing.

Linking Rd looks beautiful since this is Diwali season.

I am eternally sleepy but I get not more than 5 - 6 hrs a day.

I need to buy a better phone which will let me type my posts etc on-the-go. Ive realized that moving buses with no place to stand tickle my blogger's streak.

The 'I-want-to-run-away' feeling is back. What sucks is I want some good (read: Psycho, mad) company to run away with. Sigh!

I hope I will have more and better stuff to write about soon. (I will, for the moment, skip bitching about a colleague I can't stand.)

Mumbai meri jaan

So here I am, in Bombay - after a 3 day vacation with the girls which cost me 1200 INR, all inclusive :)

A new job, a few new friends and just 1 expectation from the city, like I always have from every city I go to. I only expect the place to love me and give me a memorable time. And all places I've been to have given me more than I hoped. Bombay is going to be different.

People who know me, know that I am impulsive. I wake up at 2 in the night and make my friends visit me. I get out of office on a Tuesday afternoon and take the rest of the week off. I love mindlessly and I live mindlessly. I've always lived in my space which has quite literally been mine. Trying to tell me what I need to do is fruitless. I will do my own thing no matter what it takes. A free bird that you see on TV shows - was me for the last 9 years.

Now in a city like Bombay where you work hard and party harder, I stay in the other end of the town with my brother. I travel for 4 hours a day and I can't do late nights. I come back home to a noisy house with 2 kids. I have nothing against little children but they are just not my thing. I can't pack my bags and go to Hyd to see my best friend or even Poona for that matter to meet the girls. This 3-day weekend was one of the dullest I've had in years, with nowhere to go.

Don't ask me why I do not move out. Because I cannot. Cons of closely knit families. I feel guilty even as I type this post but it isnt my bad if I am way different from everybody else in my blood-ties. I can't live like this. But I am. That's life I guess.

(I had thought of a million other interesting things to write about but sometimes blogs get the worst of me... so this insipid personal-diary-ish stupid post. Excuse me if you were terribly bored or dozed off midway through.)

Where is the good in a goodbye?

Of course there is good in every goodbye - it marks the end of a good time only to give way to a new one.

Goodbyes are not forever. Neither are they painful. I think I am so used to saying goodbyes that they mean almost nothing to me. It's not a great feeling though.

It is important to chronicle my 6 months at Bangalore. A small stint but a beautiful one at that. I lived with my sister for 3 months after a gap of 3 years - every single day was memorable. I stayed with my lifeline best friend - again. I made loads of new friends. I traveled a lot, partied a lot, blew up a lot of money, did loads of fancy dinners and spend countless hours at Hard Rock cafe. I bonded with some old friends and realized how important they are to me. And I am to them.

I spent so many evenings fearing I'd bump into someone I don't particularly dislike but don't want to ever see in my life again either. Thank God, He saved me some awkward situations. Amu spent countless days pampering me and adding so many more lovely memories to our already long list. Gale was a total sweetheart with all the many farewell parties she threw.

I am going back to the west. Where my heart lies. I am going to Bombay. I don't think I will miss Bangalore for the food or weather - but I will miss those lovely weekends of doing nothing to bursting into activity. I will miss staying up all night and watching psycho TV shows and movies on this laptop. I will miss playing random catchy numbers on repeat and continuously dancing with the girls. I will miss getting ready for some place and going some other place altogether.

But I am looking forward to meeting new people and facing newer shit in life. I am looking forward to being so close to Pune.

Bangalore will be remembered for collecting sea shells by Cauvery and memories with friends.