Reality Check

Let's face it. Every girl has a conversation with her chic friends about 'the dream boy.' And the answers are always quite idealistic. Typically there are 4 broad categories of answers-

'Ok he HAS to be fun, outgoing, shouldn't take things to seriously, and is chilled out.'

'Ok he HAS to be rich, I am so used to my fancy cars man… I can never do without them!'

Ok he should be a simple, intellectual, smiling face, pleasant guy.'

'Dude he's gotta be good looking man.. I want beautiful babies :P'

… and it goes on.

I have also given some crazy answers depending on what frame of mind I was in. In fact I gave different answers at bookshops, coffee shops, pubs, rock shows, office, home etc. Now that I am faced with a real life situation, I am stumped. I want a bit of everything I said and I want nothing of most things I said. I am doubting my own conviction of a lot of things. I have realized I don't know what is important for me.

If I were to define who I am, it won't be more than my credentials. Some deep dive and I see that I am nothing more than my past. A past that I never planned, never asked for. A past that I love and a past that I don't think could have been any other way. And today I am trying to predict my future based on my past. I am trying to create a future. I am convincing myself that I can be a little different from what I have so far been. But how true is that? I always said I want someone who lets me be who I am. But do I want to continue being who I am? What AM I anyway? If only I knew!

I wish everything was as easy as making friends. Where we start without inhibitions, expectations and pretence. Where there is no point to prove and there is no debate of right or wrong. Where we know the other person not by asking questions but by watching them.

And then there is the love. I think experiences are not such a great tool after all. Wonder where love fits in the mesh of practicality, companionship, dependence, independence and life in general. I think that zone where discomfort becomes a habit and comfort is taken for granted is called love.

… just when I was wondering whether or not to end this post and how, my iPod shuffles and brings me to this song -

Hold on to whatever you find baby, hold on to whatever will get you through… I don't trust myself with loving you...