Incredible India

So as I said some people inspire us to write about somethings. Gale inspired me to write about India with her post about the Spanish guy who has her dream job sings a Hindi song for her. 

I have been thinking of SOOO many things that I would write once I actually start writing, but I am finding this task so daunting. Really, a blogpost can't ever do justice to the myriad things this country has to offer. Please note this is not to glorify the country but to state facts the way they are - the good things are great and the bad things are horrible. 

And that is where the beauty lies. We never have a dull day in India. 

I don't think I can go writing endless prose so I will just list highlights in contrast. Go Google them to learn more - 

Solitude and aroma therapy to Beer and hip-hop

Pashmina to Khadi

Vada-pav to Idli Sambar and momos to Dhokla

Jet airways to Garib Rath

Mother Teresa to Ramalinga Raju

Bollywood to underworld

We do not easily break marriages. We persevere and when we do break them, we do not need therapists. We have a strong family system for shock absorption. 

Our children stay with parents until the kids have grand children. 

Auto rickshaw wala will dupe you for 5 extra bucks and will take you 20 miles for free when you have forgotten your wallet at home. 

We go to the west to make money and we form an Indian community there where you will get sambar powder and garam masala. 

We have abundant sunshine and we do not need tanning salons. We are obsessed with Shahnaz Hussain's fairness creams! 

South-Indians can't speak Hindi without the accent and North-Indians can't differentiate between the the 4 south-indian states. They will bitch about each other and will fight with families for an inter-caste marriage. 

Fair girls will color their hair blonde, the dusky ones will wear brown lipstick. They can both sport short skirts and sarees with equal grace. They will sizzle in parties and in pujas. 

Guys in India will use fairness creams and will hate to be called metro sexual. They think its gay. They will wax their chest and will glare at you to see a pink razor in the girl's bathroom. 

We speak a million languages and dialects. Students in Pune were seen dancing on a telugu soundtrack for well over a year. Now I call this mindlessly beautiful integrity. 

We have huge scams - Fodder, arms, share market and off late IT. Millions of rupees have gone donno where. Laws are archaic and judiciary system is slow. Cops are lazy and we have a new trend of citizen jornalists who now bitch with a vengeance. 

Your friend will go to Kanha and see 5 tigers. You will go and see deers only. If you started at an unauspicious timing - you will see dogs only. 

You will be happy eating at Delhi haat and the next thing you know someone pinched you on your butt. You will be seeing beautiful paintings at an exhibition and will realize the centre piece is of a French artist, which is not half as great but is there because he is French. We are obsessed with firangs. 

Oil prices will kill us but we won't use public transport. When we do, we are not saving fuel but just saving time. Indian middle class still puts money in National Saving Certificates while Mallya buys islands after islands. Pepsi will sell us nimbu pani (yes, its the latest news) We anyway already sell Cobra beer to the Irish.

Finally a girl's perspective as to why we almost never want to marry a non-Indian. Because we have awesome guys here. We do not need to look elsewhere! 

A North-Indian boy - Extremely good looking 8 times out of 10 a disaster when he speaks. But he is just so good looking you don't care how he sounds. 

A south-Indian boy - Company t-shirt, laptop, beer belly. Not even remotely attractive. But when he talks, you just listen. He knows it all and is an awesome orator. Now you don't care how he looks. 

A westerner - Looks fine, talks fine, decently educated but will suddenly do one such thing (like talk loudly or belch after a meal) and you are put off. You go home and decide to ignore it. The package is great and you leave the belch behind. 

An eastern boy - Is either at IIT or almost an IAS officer. Or plays the guitar like a dream. Or knows Shakespere and Othello like they are his neigbors. You don't care now if he belches or looks like a mess. You will gladly go with him to the tea-estates or to the crowded streets of Calcutta. 

(Indian boys can now stop feeling happy. I might just be bitching about you in the next post!)

There is so much more to write but my common sense says people will now lose focus from here on. So I will break my love into different posts to retain reader's attention. 

Mwah to my stinky, sticky, corrupt, mad, colorful, tasty, hot, fairness-obsessed country. 

Valentine Day Violets (no space for blues in my life you see!)

That's the best thing about blogging. Your friends write something that prompts you also to write something and sometimes you read your friends' blog and you know they have drawn inspiration from your last post. I love this thing blogging does to us - invoke thought process. 

My 1st inspiration of the day - Myulee - wrote about her valentine. And it put me to thought. I am a staunch believer of the concept of love is to be celebrated everyday. So valentine day obviously has no special place in my heart. But honestly, its like saying I am a Hindu so I do not like Christmas. Of course I like Christmas and like to do my 2 bits by gifting stuff around. 

So as valentine day approaches, romanticism starts shouting on my face that I am single. I know it for a fact that I am either not going to find someone special at least until Feb 15 or that I am gonna lose this one that I have. I am invariably single on this day and I have to manage with pseudo valentines - best friends, another single guy friend and sometimes even my parents!

This valentine day is no different - I am single (and very sure no miracle will happen in the next 20 days) and to top it all - 2 of my most favourite valentines (my 2 best friends from college) will be married by that day. Sigh!  

Thankfully, I am not alone and at office that day. I have plans to 'catch a drink and grab a bite' with a guy whom I sort of crushed on a few months ago. Let's see now how it turns out! 

Get up and dance, get up and smile, get up and drink to the days that are gone in the shortest while.

Ok I am so bloody done with cribbing and whining. 

I usually scribble stuff on my MS One Note and elaborate/copy paste on my blog when I have internet connectivity. This morning I wrote some rather depressing stuff. Now that I am home (took half day off for no apparent reason) I suddenly feel so pepped up and happy. Guess it's my welcoming and warm room or maybe its my parents who get just so excited when I say I am gonna be early - as if I am gonna be back from a war after 3 years of separation! 

Anyway, I was thinking of writing a travelogue. I thought 2009 was a good time to start since I am visiting 5 places in the first month and half of the year! My first attempt was thwarted by the whole mess that you either have already read or can read here. 

My 2nd attempt is about to begin in a few minutes, but before that I will write about my own country, my India. Not because Republic day is around the corner but because there is so much to tell and to love about this place! 

I am so glad to be feeling so much love for everyone and for myself, again. 

Let losers feel free to complicate their lives while happiness prevails with people who try! :)

From Floyd to Russell Peters - Arbit thoughts flying.

1. The time is gone, the song is over - Thought i'd something more to say. 

And yes, how can I eat any pudding if I don't (b)eat my meat?

Thank you Floyd - that was deep. 

2. It is difficult to say if what you are feeling is happiness or not. You sometimes know that everything around is supposed to make you happy but the happiness just refuses to come. 

3. Are all smiles happy smiles? Of course not!

4. Each time you say there is a problem, I somehow hope for the worst. I am sorry. I am such a sicko. 

5. I believe memories fade. Which is a great thing. 

6. For the first time I thought about what the poem twinkle twinkle little star means. I wonder how many kids really know that the poem is in fact a question and how many teachers actually tell them what those diamonds in the sky are. 

7. Piyu said - whenever you fall, pick up something. I fell and I picked up nothing. Or maybe it's stuck in my sleeve and I'll see it when I get home. 

8. I am wondering if that thing which I am feeling (which is neither happiness nor sadness) is regret? But my principles have no place for regret. Do they?

9. Sony should have been a stand-up comedian. I wonder what she is doing as a teacher. Comedy only, I think. 

10. PP, Sankranti laddus are over now. Write something new. 

11. I have to find a new word for 'Random.' I was gonna have a tag called 'random' for posts like these. I hate to see such an all encompassing, beautiful word go out of my life. :|

I think I'll use 'Whatever.'

12. "And suddenly 3 gay men came on the screen. I mean they 'appeared' on the screen" 

I heard Russel Peters today until I had tears in my eyes! :D

Of Mr. Randomer, of nailing the bitch and of a whole bunch of memories.

So weird. I have been waiting for my hundredth post like Harbhajan would wait for his hundredth run. It is ironic that this post is not one of happiness and jubiliation, like my other posts. But instead, it is a post that denotes closure. 

Randomer and the randomness end w.e.f Jan 21, 2009. 

A few months ago, it was an email that said - "I swear I am not hitting on you. Just give me your number." It was about understanding the nitty gritties of Critical Reasoning in GMAT - something that I sucked at and something that he aced. We spoke for really long every single day until Sep 17th. We spoke of universities to apply and we spoke of tricks to trick the exam. We used to say - "We'll nail the bitch" with so much conviction. That was our motto. 

My devastation was inevitable if not for him convincing me that GMAT is really not the end of the world. GMAT ended rather weirdly but the phone calls continued. They became a daily affair with a new song beig sung every night and with 'leaving on a jet plane' being the most sung. There was everything from retro to Indian classical that was offered! 

One fine day I said how I was going on vacation and after more than 70 emails of deliberation as to where the 2 of us can go, we ended up with Hyderabad as the answer. Meeting someone a guy who is such an avid reader, is careeristic and seems fun was not a bad plan afterall! 

2nd weekend of Nov 2008 it was. We stayed at a lovely place - Pragati Resorts. We had an awesome time watching Billy Connolly and laughing like crazy. As always, I was jumping walls after 4 drinks and I made the poor thing walk/jog/jump with me. 

The following day was the obvious stuff. I loved it. I was wholeheartedly given and not asked for in such a long time. My most desired ambition of life - being a paint scrapper, was not ridiculed and in fact welcomed. I did not know where we were headed but I sure as hell knew I was going to persevere with this one person since this was my challenge to myself that I can in fact make things work out. I have been an utter failure so far in the matters of heart. 

Yes, my already identified weakness 'attachment' was back with a vengeance. I do not chase people when I am attached to them but tend to just go blind. I can't see the obvious and despite all reasoning the heart suddenly starts taking over my head. Anyway within a month I could clearly see the signs and I knew things had already fallen apart. I wasn't complaining yet. I think of every damn thing as a part of life and I can bloody well deal with it with a lot of grace. 

I had almost forgotten everything, courtest all my girlies but as fate has it, this was not gonna leave me like that and God had a better closure in mind! After a tedious vacation, last night I receive a random email asking why I was being such a bitch. 

Yes, Mr. Randomer was not single and I was being put under the spotlight by Mrs. Randomer for no apparent reason! Woohoo! For all the perseverance :| After an entire night of anxiety and some rather pleasant exchange of words with the lady herself, I was starting to feel better. I wonder why I thought speaking to him for the last time was so important. I was freaking laughing with NB over Mr. Randomer being 'busted'. I told Piyu how I was gonna tell him he had been a bastard and how I know this was all so well planned. 

I now know myself better than this. Piyu is rather upset that I was such a saint as we spoke. I gave him gyaan about saying a whole-hearted sorry to her and how he does not owe me an answer. I told him I have nothing for or against him and that he should have a good life and must let me know when he makes it to a big university. I did not want to be mean.  I knew that being myself only would give me peace of mind. And I think I did a decent job. I was polite and mature through the conversation. (I hope!)

Yes. So randomness has ended now. Finally. 

I just removed the post-it on my calendar which was a reminder for me to get him a Jethro Tull t-shirt and to buy a book. I was gonna meet him in February. 

A rather well planned ending for such a random person. 

Or is it a random ending for a not-so-random person?

(Special note if you ever read it - I was hurt man. I don't know for what joy, but yeah, I felt miserable for a few hours. )

Buzzzzzzzzzzzzzz...

1. I went through some terrible mess last night (and today morning) - Awesome! Thank you people for making me go through all this shit. You are adding to the stories I can look back and laugh about. In fact I am already looking back and laughing about it! 

(Editing this after 3 hours - I am not laughing anymore. Denial stage that was, I think. But I will eventually laugh, am sure.)

2. I can't wait for mum to come back. 

3. I am sorry if I sound painfully repetitive, but I REALLY cannot wait to see my friends, starting 28th Jan - up until Feb 15th! I am in fact almost getting emotional thinking about it! 

4. I am planning on some cheap thrills with NB for the Delhi vacation. Hope it is fun. NB's notable tit bits for the day - 

a. Relationshit.

b. Wish guys were like Bombay local. It's for us to choose if we want to take them or not*

5. My Orkut forecast for the day - "Learn something today." - Dude, I learnt far more than I had intended to learn in a day!! 

6. Piyu is our (mine and Shilpa's) crystal ball. She can freakin foresee stuff man! Not once, twice - but all the time! 

7. And hell ya, I had a decent trip with my dad. 

8. "Good riddance to bad rubbish jinuni" - said Galette. And I fully agree. 

P.S: Ok the title of the blog is stolen from Myuu's blog post title. 

P.P.S: I don't steal anything else - definitely not boyfriends. 

* I think that's how it actually is - They ARE in fact like Bombay local. They come and go, we can take them or leave them. And I just realized it is fun to just hop on one, go on a ticketless (illegal) ride for cheap thrills :P

Myu wrote about finishing 2 years away from family, on her own. This reminded me I was gonna write about finishing 6 months of coming back to family after 8 years of a nomadic life!! Myu is right when she says we learn so much when we are on our own. We are well past learning from friends, teachers, parents. We make our mistakes and we learn how to stand up on our own. 

When I look back at my 8 years, all I can think of is the beautiful people my life has given me. Some are still with me and by me whereas some are not. But every single person I met in those 8 years has added immense value to my life with many bittersweet experiences. I can't imagine the me I am today, without even one of those many people I met. Even if their contribution in my life was a night at a local club, it was still something to cherish. 

All that I am today is a vivid fragment of all those people. They have helped me shape my thoughts, helped me define a lot of woolly terms like ego, love, respect, success, failure, fotgiveness, thrill, adventure, limits, limitations. The list can go on. 

I learnt a very crucial concept of cultural tolerance in those years. Today I do not identify myself as a South Indian or a North-indian, a Hindi or a Telugu. But I think of myself as a human being. I think of myself as an integral part of this world. Someone whose existence has a purpose. 

I think of myself as a giver and a receiver. I know that I have to live for myself as much as I have to live for my loved ones and for the world at large. I feel happy about the fact that I am neither self-obsessed nor am I wary of my needs. I accept my rights and realize my duties. 

But the biggest thing they've taught me is that one should not nurture the quality of 'hatred.' Today I take pride in saying that I may disapprove of what people say or do, but I do not disapprove of people themselves or do not hate anybody. I am at peace with every single thought in my mind - at least most of the time, if not always. And sure as hell, it is one of those many people who help me find that peace. 

I am an independent woman* who takes care of her own wants and tantrums while being a rather decent daughter, sister, friend and all the other roles I willingly play. I know how to have crazy fun and I know when to draw my lines. I know when to bend and I know when I should stop so as to not stoop too low. I know how to live and let live. I know when to be by people and I know when to leave them alone. 

After all this, I am very aware that this a tip of the ice berg and that there's a lot more to come, to learn and to be. I am very sure I will continue being a good daughter, sister, friend etc etc and will eventually be a good life-partner, mother and a successful professional while making sure the little crazy girl in me who loves to jump walls, continues smiling. 

This is a thank-you note for all the people I have known until this day of my life and for making me the proud yet humble human being that I am. Love ya'll. :) 

* I struck off the word 'girl' and replaced it with 'woman' - and I feel good about it. 

P.S: I hope I am not coming across as someone who thinks of herself as 'Perfect.' I know I am far from perfect but I am at peace with it. I am not anxious about my imperfections and I know I will try to be a better person every passing day!

There is pessimism in the air with the economical, political, climatical and personal instability. The effects are reflecting in my attitude towards GMAT. I haven't ever felt so pesssimistic about an exam. I haven't even started preparing and I have a feeling I won't get the kinda scores I want. Somehow it seems like such a long walk ahead that even the thought of getting started is tiring me out... :( 

PP reminded me its been 5 days since my last post. Yes, it has been a frustrating week. Snippets of my diary rearranged below to look like a blog-post. I've been preoccupied with the following -

 

1. Economical meltdown - The entire economic cycle is right in front of my eyes. I am not a witness of the phenomenon but a victim of it. Individuals are cringing to spend money, organizations are not recruiting and the jackpots of one era (read: Finance and IT) are the latest wells of misery.

 

I am a part of the rut. I am educated but not educated enough. I quit a well paying job with a giant organization at the wrong timing. I had not anticipated the melt down. I now work for a start-up and I have not received salary in the last 2 months. I have long bills which are being foot by my parents, who themselves live an almost hand-to-mouth existence. (An honest public sector class 1 officer has perks which do not turn into cash and a salary which has not been revised in the last 8 years. My mother is a home-maker. )

 

2. Slumdog Millionaire - People were hysteric. Shobha De and the likes wrote posts everywhere about the movie. Friends on facebook were swearing by the movie. Internationally, people have another half-baked story on Indian poverty to talk about in their social gatherings. I downloaded it on Torrent (added to piracy) and watched the movie.

 

I thought it was just ok. Love overplayed for a 'slumdog.' In those harsh realities what does a kid know of love? Never mind, he still chases the girl to a happy ending. (extremely happy ending considering IIM grads of my country are almost out of job and a slumdog is a millionaire!)

 

Spit on my face all ye Europeans and Australians. I am an Indian. I need Danny Boyle and Gregory David Roberts  to tell me that Dharavi is bad life.

 

3. www.intent.com and spirituality - I was going through intent.com for a case study in my organization. I have always been spiritually inclined (I do not read self-help books, in case you were wondering.) and so the website caught my attention. I was mesmerized by the content to start with and emailed a whole bunch of friends about it. Ritually, this morning I was reading intents there and someone said - Only perfection exists. There is no imperfection.

 

I thought to myself, when you write self-help books and cash on the millions of depressed people or make sub standard movies, you are in a position to easily look away from this world's imperfections. Watching slumdog millionaire and dubbing it the movie of the year is stupid if you do not know that world is full of slumdogs who will never ever get a full meal, let alone become millionaires. Life is far from perfect, I am not speaking out of frustration but out of conviction.

 

4. Growing older and other insecurities related with it - Less than a month to growing a little more older. I am starting to get crushed by the number game. I am trying damn hard to be the right sister, daughter, friend etc. and I am missing myself more than ever before. I started 2009 being broke and I will start the 24th year of my life being broke too. Friends are settling down and I m becoming restless since I don't want to settle down but want to feel more secure.  blah blah blah.

 

(pre-midlife crisis.) 

Living, Learning, Loving.

How long does it take to fall in love?

 

A moment? A day? A month? No - it takes about 2 years.

 

What does it take to fall in love?

 

The first look? Drunkenness? The first brush of hands? No - It takes months of understanding and hard work.

 

I realized today that it will be 3 years since I've known NB. And I am effortlessly in love with her. And a bunch of other people. Eight of them to be precise. These are the 8 people with whom I have no blood ties and these are the 8 people who are the essence of my living. They all love me back equally or maybe more. These 8 people are my 8 best friends.

 

And when I say I love them, it is quite literally that. It is an ideal love affair with all 8 of them. It is effortless and easy. We give a lot to each other in terms of time and attention. We are physically present (as far as possible) when required, we spend nights over long phone calls counseling, helping, adoring each other.

 

With each of them I can sit quietly in a room all my life and not find the silence awkward. I can call them up at 2:00 am and when they ask "what happened?" I can say "Nothing." Yes, I do not have an ego debating whether I should call/sms/email them. I shout at them and fight with them over nothing. I am not anxious that I'll lose them. I have reached a stage where the love is there and it is established. Nothing can take it away. Then it does not matter how often they call up or if they think of me every minute. They need not call me or think of me often. They love me and I know it.

 

Why am I writing all this? I, like a lot of other people, thought I am not cut out for romantic love. Men don't last more than a few months in my life. I was convinced I am a difficult person to be with. (or too simple and straight forward for some people's liking!) But each time I think this way, I also think of those 8 people. I have invested a lot in those relations.

 

A lot of time and effort and even sleepless nights. We have had bickering fights and misunderstandings and hating certain traits about each other. But we stuck around. Mutually. And it took about 2 to 2.5 years with each one of them to reach this stage of security. I mean there was a lot of love within a couple of months but there was some fear with each argument and there was some effort in keeping the other person happy. The effort is still there, but the effort is painless. It is a part of me to make an effort to keep these people happy and make them feel loved. I willingly do it.

 

For the Nth time in my life, I am convinced - perseverance is all it takes to make a relationship last. Nobody is perfect for anyone. It is just the willingness to live and love the imperfections. 

I am getting used to lovely mornings :)

It was otherwise a usual Thursday morning for me. Mom ringing the calling bell to my room, early morning phone calls, my alarms going off one after the other and me, I was contemplating if waking up at 7 30 am is ever worth it. I dragged myself out of the bed and I saw beauty! It was raining!

 

So if it is a North Indian December morning, it is anyway chilling. Temperatures are usually around 10 - 11 degrees which is considered to be quite pleasant in India. Yesterday morning, was one of the foggiest mornings ever and it was coupled with rains! The scale had dropped to about 5 degrees ( at 9:30 am) which is below any normal standard.

 

I went down to the kitchen and there was a hot cup of tea waiting for me. And dad was smiling slyly. I knew the plan. We do not go to work. Yes! We bunked office, started the car and dragged mom along. I say dragged because that's what we literally did. We din't let her even change from her night gown! We loafed around for a couple of hours and my sickness was back. So I was home and tucked in like a little child, peacefully asleep for 4 hours. Woke up, took a shower, had lunch, booked a zillion tickets for everybody. (we are all going on different vacations - btw! Delhi, Bombay, Pune, Bangalore - here I come!)

 

The evening highlight was shopping!! I bought crazy Indian wear and I am so looking forward to the weddings!

 

P.S - Those are pictures of the lake, that you can barely see due to the fog. And the other picture is of mom and dad. 

P.P.S - Life is beautiful :) 

Just the usual...

Randomness begins -

 

 

1. Priya has a blog!! I never knew that! Somehow in all these months we never spoke about our blogs!  Priya was Google's one-stop-shop for full fledged entertainment. The girl who will make you laugh incessantly - literally and will shed tears at the drop of a hat. I totally adore her (like every other Googler.) After all these months,  I still have these Priya moments where I am reminded of her acting like the 60's bollywood heroine and I break into fits of laughter!

 

2. Piyu is anxious about getting married and is worried about such dumb things. We (me, Piyu and Shilpa)  are going --dash-- shopping for her. (Fill in the blanks. Hint - we will shop for THE most important thing for a girl when she is a newly wed bride. Rather a new wife  ;-)

 

She counseled me last night. Somehow when she speaks I want to believe her. There are very few people in life in front of whom you willingly let go of emotions and logic both. They are the people whose judgments you can blindly trust. Even about the most important things of your life. She is one of those. I am saying it probably for the Nth time - I have NO freakin idea what I'd do without her in my life!

 

3. Dad's taking me to Pachmarhi - to help me recoup with whatever the stress shit was. It will be about 2 degrees there. Woohoo! And it's a father-daughter vacation! (since mom's doing a father-daughter vacation with her dad!)

 

4. There are so many pending movies to watch. Wonder when will I stop getting sleepy. I am missing my late night movies and phone calls. (sorry peeps, who have been trying to reach me and I haven't been answering! I've seen all the missed calls and will call back. Promise.)

 

5. My firm is looking for getting funded. I am making a Business Plan/VC report with my CEO! Ya!! I had never imagined I would do this at this age and stage of my career. Though I still do not feel too convinced about the job and the organization, I am starting to feel less pessimistic about it now.

 

6. I want to have cup cakes, slap some pseudo Indians who can't speak Hindi (bah!) and

 

7. I fully empathize with D. (D is my cousin who is going through the process of arranged marriages in India, that is, selecting guys.) She thought the guy is too huge for her and so rejected him. Given how well educated the guy is and what a good family he comes from, the older ones of the family see no reason why she did that. But I fully empathize with her. These things sound dumb but sometimes what matters is just the big 'NO' that your head and heart shout when you see some people.

 

Randomness over.

 

 

Anxiety, stress, low sugar and panic!

Ok I really want to write something here but I am quite tired and lost. So I will copy paste some stuff from my diary. (Yes, I've switched to MS One Note from my paper and pen which usually used to hide in those silly drawers at office.) 

Ok it is now official - I am a 23 year old suffering from severe anxiety and stress.

 

I had a severe chest pain (not a cardiac arrest. hehehe) and short term memory loss. (ranging from a few seconds to about 2 minutes. Not so sure.) This and the heaviness in the head were apparently interlinked. And I was vomiting non-stop. My sugar level dropped to crazy levels making me thirsty as if I am panic-struck in a desert.

 

Then there was alarm at home and rushing to the hospital on Saturday night. After 30 hours of sleep and weird medicines, here I am!

 

I am on a daily dose of weird anti-anxiety drugs.  The doc said I should be glad it is at a level where it can be treated with tablets and I won't need injections. These medicines make me drowsy and that is the intention - sleep as much as I can. Hoping to get back to work tomorrow. God, that was SOME episode of my life!

So that's all that I managed to write in the evening. I am sleepy again but I am glad I could convince my folks against those medicines. I will resume work from tomorrow after having slept for 30 hours out of 36. The medicines were a good way of keeping my mind on mute, but I am sure I can do better than this. I mean I hate to believe I need medications to keep myself under control. I still am the boss of my head and heart! 

There is a whole lot more I want to write about - what I saw on TV, what the doctors put me through and how the anxiety has earned me a nice 2 day vacation at a hill station (yes, I am off for vacation on 18th.) But there is one thing I surely will tell before I finish the post - 

The anxiety attack definitely forced me to re-think about life and what it should be lived for. If it is a good career you want, you should freakin go and get it. You can't substitute a university with a well-paid job.  If you love someone, you should bloody go and tell that person. You can't substitute people just by swapping who calls you up at 1 in the night. If you want to go on vacation, you might as well go for it. A weekend and a vacation are different things. If you don't feel like smiling and putting up a happy face, you don't need to! really! If people can't deal with you being sad, too bad - they suck!

These are things I knew very well even before I fell ill. But I was just doing weird things for weird reasons. I am now accepting myself more graciously! 

These weird anxiety attacks or whatever they are, after all happen when there is too much conflict between head and heart. Neither head nor heart are always logical. I don't know which of the 2 is right, but all I know is there is no point lying to the other. That being sad is human and it is not very important to smile because people think that is how you are. 

My blog will now be more of me in all shades than me in shades of happy pink and purple. :) 

 

Of stupid dreams and sickness...

Ok so sick days are also to be documented here. I was at work today feeling all heavy in the head. I decided to leave office well before time and get home to catch a nap. I shut down my lappy and was startled with some noise. And I realized I had dropped my laptop from a height of 4 feet. Fortunately it is still intact (and so the blogging!) 

I tried very very hard to recollect what I was doing that it fell off. I mean I dont even remember touching it.  I had missed/skipped a few seconds of my life/memory (I hope it is not minutes!) It was indeed very weird! Anyway, I packed my bags, started my scooty and headed home. (Fearing I might end up having another such moment while driving!)

I got home single-piece and scratchless. Within 5 minutes I was off to sleep. And these are the 3 things I dreamt of - 

1. My nails bleeding. All my finger nails were drenched in blood and would not stop bleeding and just while my knuckles were about to bleed something happened and the dream abruptly ended. 

2. Car accident - Dad was driving and someone banged our car from behind. Nothing happened to us but the car had a huge dent. Next thing, he is trying to park the car and actually drives THROUGH a wall! Yes, drives through a whole freakin' wall with the front of the car fully damaged. Both of us are safe and dad did not even realize what he had done! 

3. Mum's bought me beautiful Gold jewellery. I am seeing them when someone I have been thinking of off late (in real life) appears in the same room and starts talking to mom and does not even look at me! 

Finally, I woke up a few hours ago and I now feel so tired and so drained out! It feels as if the dreams took away whatever energy was left in me. 

Sigh! 

Interpretation of my dreams, if any one's interested - 

Blood - To dream that you are bleeding or losing blood, signifies that you are suffering from exhaustion or that you are feeling emotionally drained. It may also denote bitter confrontations between you and your friends.  Your past actions have come back to haunt you. 

Gold/Jewellery - To see gold in your dream, symbolizes wealth, riches, natural healing, illumination and/or spirituality. To see or wear jewels in your dream, signifies a value within yourself or within others in which you admire and cherish. It also symbolizes pleasure, riches, ambition and spiritual protection.

Car accident/parked car -  To dream of a car accident, symbolizes your emotional state. You may be harboring deep anxieties and fears. Are you "driving" yourself too hard? This dream may tell you to slow down before you hit disaster. You need to rethink or re-plan your course of actions and set yourself on a better path.

To see a parked car in your dream, suggests that you need to turn your efforts and energies elsewhere. You may be needlessly spending your energy in a fruitless endeavor. Alternatively, a parked car my symbolize your need to stop and enjoy life. 

2009 beyond New Year resolutions.

So after 2 customary posts (summary of 2008 and resolutions for 2009) it is now time for some solid stuff (read: random blah-blah) The focus remains on me and my people. All those tranistory Zippos and Tommy bags really do not hold a place in my heart, I think. I've tried enough (and in vain) to be super materialistic. (No, I love my gadgets and perfumes. I am not a saint yet, FYI!) 

Itinerary wise, I am always full. Every single year. Yes, I make it a point to travel a lot and visit people who matter (friends and family both.) This year won't be any different. In fact it will only get worse/better with 4 freaking weddings by Feb 14th. Fancy a snippet?

Jan 30 - Best friend (one of my 20 best friends.) at Delhi. 

Feb 2 - Great buddy from Google. Wedding's at Coimbatore but I am attending the reception at B'bay on 8th

Feb 13 - Another best friend. At Pune. 

Feb 14 - Long lost friend. Totally an event to look forward to! (This is at Poona too.)

These 4 events bring a lot of socializing. Obviously. Jan 27 - 30 I will catch up with DC (after more than a year!) and Madhukar (Finally... Phew! Also one extremely looked forward to event!)  Definitely dying to meet my cousin and see her cute lil daughter. And mallu babe is gonna be there for the wedding so i am thrilled about that too! 

Feb is THE MOST AWAITED time of the year. I am meeting my girls!!! Finally! yipeeeee! AND yes I am meeting Prabhu - the Goddess, after 3 freakin years - to celebrate our birthdays and our  blogging. (I'll see you chica!!) I'll meet Shekhar at Prasanna-Reema reception (Shekhuuuu, I am coming!!!) and I will meet Dhiraj after what seems forever. (We'll have a good time Dhiraj!) But the spotlight stays on seeing the girls. I am almost on my death bed if I dont see them every 3 - 4 months. 

In the months of Feb is also my 24th birthday. Purnima showed me the silver lining in the dark dark clouds - we are turning 24 when so many people in our circle are actually turning 25. (We are gonna toast to that one, lady!) Anyway, the fact remains - I am turning freakin 24. (which I always thought was for those weird girls, who are awkward to turn 24 :| ) 

It looks like I have turned crazier than ever before. Instead of growing up, I am growing weirder. I still have a little girl in me who chooses to come out and shout/love/laugh at the wrong time! And there is this crazily balanced, practical, matter of factly, proud, self-sufficient 30 year old woman in me - the one who has been there since age eternity. Yes, I still cannot shed a freakin tear to save my life and there is just too much self-respect in me, usually mistaken as ego. I can analyze people and emotions so damn well and will probably be able to make graphs and charts and excel sheets out of them this year. 

A month to turn 24 and I wonder what those 24 year old awkward women actually are like. Anyway, I like being this weird concoction of a 13 and 30 year old. If you know what a 24 year old should be like, drop a line!

Then for the rest of the year there is GMAT (again..sigh!) and moving out of here, visiting my sister in Bangalore (maybe when Galette is back from her fancy French trip!) going to my sister's newest farm house in Wayanad (yaaa!!!) Then there is one vacation that me and NB have promised each other. 

And of course there will be some more madness this year  - meeting newer and crazier people and bonding, living almost the 'sex-and-the-city' life with people walking in and out or rather me walking in and out of people and their lives and framing those bitter-sweet memories forever. There is so much to learn about yourself and your quirks with each new person you lose. I love it. :) 

My closet now has an array of assorted skeletons and I hope to have a few more this year. I love the madness in me. It is so rare that I want to hold on to it forever. 2009 will be a year of the heart and not the head. For the first ever time. 

Hoping to have yet another year of mixed feelings. Hoping to go to L.A or NYC. Hoping to finish my travel wish-list of solitary vacation. Hoping to learn how to let-go. Sure as hell hoping to get one of my 4 dream universities and hoping, wishing, praying I don't get married. 

Life is beautiful. :)