Anxiety, stress, low sugar and panic!

Ok I really want to write something here but I am quite tired and lost. So I will copy paste some stuff from my diary. (Yes, I've switched to MS One Note from my paper and pen which usually used to hide in those silly drawers at office.) 

Ok it is now official - I am a 23 year old suffering from severe anxiety and stress.

 

I had a severe chest pain (not a cardiac arrest. hehehe) and short term memory loss. (ranging from a few seconds to about 2 minutes. Not so sure.) This and the heaviness in the head were apparently interlinked. And I was vomiting non-stop. My sugar level dropped to crazy levels making me thirsty as if I am panic-struck in a desert.

 

Then there was alarm at home and rushing to the hospital on Saturday night. After 30 hours of sleep and weird medicines, here I am!

 

I am on a daily dose of weird anti-anxiety drugs.  The doc said I should be glad it is at a level where it can be treated with tablets and I won't need injections. These medicines make me drowsy and that is the intention - sleep as much as I can. Hoping to get back to work tomorrow. God, that was SOME episode of my life!

So that's all that I managed to write in the evening. I am sleepy again but I am glad I could convince my folks against those medicines. I will resume work from tomorrow after having slept for 30 hours out of 36. The medicines were a good way of keeping my mind on mute, but I am sure I can do better than this. I mean I hate to believe I need medications to keep myself under control. I still am the boss of my head and heart! 

There is a whole lot more I want to write about - what I saw on TV, what the doctors put me through and how the anxiety has earned me a nice 2 day vacation at a hill station (yes, I am off for vacation on 18th.) But there is one thing I surely will tell before I finish the post - 

The anxiety attack definitely forced me to re-think about life and what it should be lived for. If it is a good career you want, you should freakin go and get it. You can't substitute a university with a well-paid job.  If you love someone, you should bloody go and tell that person. You can't substitute people just by swapping who calls you up at 1 in the night. If you want to go on vacation, you might as well go for it. A weekend and a vacation are different things. If you don't feel like smiling and putting up a happy face, you don't need to! really! If people can't deal with you being sad, too bad - they suck!

These are things I knew very well even before I fell ill. But I was just doing weird things for weird reasons. I am now accepting myself more graciously! 

These weird anxiety attacks or whatever they are, after all happen when there is too much conflict between head and heart. Neither head nor heart are always logical. I don't know which of the 2 is right, but all I know is there is no point lying to the other. That being sad is human and it is not very important to smile because people think that is how you are. 

My blog will now be more of me in all shades than me in shades of happy pink and purple. :)