Beginning of a journey called ISB

:)

That smile was for finally being able to open the once exploited link - www.blogger.com.

Here I am, at Hyderabad, after a 20 month break, 3 cities, -ve bank balance of 20 lacs and a few hundred kilos of apprehension. I am at the Indian School of Business. The much coveted B-School in India and as I'd like to believe, across the globe. This time not as a visitor or a candidate but as a student. A rather difficult 12 hr bus ride with dad and without mom, I entered the 260 acre campus 2 weeks ago, on 10th of April. I dont know if it was the tiring journey or the tiring paperwork or the load of expectations that almost instantly killed all the thrill of  making it to this place, the moment I entered.

So far it's been 2 days of registration process, a week of orientation - or disorientation and another week of pre-terms i.e laying foundations of basic mathematics, statistics and accountancy. The O-week was all about team building activities in the hot Hyderabadi sun and the pre terms were about sitting dazed in every single class, hoping people would shut up. I've never seen such a confluence, of 500 people who all think they are the best and want to tell everyone that they are indeed the best. I don't mean to doubt the capabilities or the achievements of people who are here but the effort behind trying to get noticed is ridiculous to my mind. I have always considered showing off in any form - physical or intellectual as the ultimate sign of weakness and to a large extent inferiority complex. This theory of mine, is of course debatable. More so because I am trying to transform myself into a deeper, mature and accommodating person - so passing value judgements like this is definitely not going to help me be who I want to be. So hopefully, by the end of the year I would have proven my own theory incorrect.

I have been one hell of a reserved person in the last 2 weeks. Except for this one night when I went and actually hit the dance floor, I've consciously kept myself away from any form of limelight. Why try to fake it? Also I think introducing yourself individually to 500 people is a time taking and tiring task. And to make the process less monotonous for yourself, you have to come up with different tones and levels of excitement or introduce a new facet of yourself to everyone and exclude some already used adjectives about yourself. The bandwidth required for this task is huge and I have now simply given up. I dont speak unless spoken to and speak as little as I can - just to make enough conversation to acknowledge a question and to avoid traps of further small talk.

Tomorrow begins Core Term - 1 and so begins the madness to catch up with peers at class, finish assignments and prepare for midterms which are exactly 3 weeks from now. I can already see time flying.

The next one year, will hopefully be better than the last 1 year. Amen!

I am bigger than the bank and better than they want to believe

It's kinda odd how many drafts I have... incomplete, heart felt drafts that I never finished and posted because I am so drained out. The paperwork, guests at home, the sense of being lost is all so overwhelming. And then there are pipe dreams which become dreamier with every passing day.

Education loan papers haven't come yet and I have 48 hours from now to leave for Hyderabad. If I dont get it, then this is what my suicide note will say - "Too bored to apply for loan elsewhere. Will try being born in a richer family than go through this shit again, so bye peeps!"

I am missing having chai at the tea stall in Santacruz, next to my office and abandoning work for hours together to gossip about everything from homosexuality to infidelity and money to drugs with my only friend in that beautiful city. My hometown feels like its hit by a disaster and is just recovering from death....I miss the Bombay buzz!

I miss rummaging in my bag for a pack of milds and the matchbox. I miss the light-headed feeling after 2 drags and how the smoke takes some of the crap off my head through my lungs. After a couple of wreckless months, I am clean for about a month now and except for the occasional craving, I am good.

I slapped someone very 'random' in my dream. I don't know where it resurfaced in my memory after almost a year, and that too at a subconscious level, but it suddenly felt  like there was a closure. Ah what a moment that was, so what if it was a dream! That slap which I can replay in mind in slow motion and savour as many times as I want... aah what an orgasmic feeling! I woke up smiling and feeling victoroius.

On second thoughts, what a loser I am to not have done this feat in real life... anyway!

I am suddenly lost after typing all this. But I am determined not to save to drafts but to publish post instead.

And yes, I am better than they can imagine. Ever.