Random updates

I dont have much to write... its just that I feel like writing :P

Its been an okay day and a nice evening. Nothing special about it except that I went for a drink with a gay friend. She gave me some perspective on things and I could tell her in so many words how the movie Milk made me feel a little queasy. And we spoke of life and relationships in general. There was no work talk and there was no talk of my MBA. Yayy!

I am wayyyy behind deadlines - wrt to both short term and long term goals. My salary will be late this month and I am broke. I have a body ache which kinda tells me I will fall sick. I hate certain aspects of my job and yet I am so much at peace with my life. I think thats called finding comfort in discomfort/beauty in breakdown or whatever. Ok why dramatize the whole thing, just because its my blog? I am in an i-care-a-damn attitude today and might wake up after 7 hours thinking I have a terrible life :P

I catch this power-nap in the bus and I like feeling all Bombay-ish. Busy and hassled. I think the small town girl wants to feel all city-like. hehehe. My phone is out of charge and I dont want to hunt for the charger in my bag. Will let the battery die and will give the Biz Dev team a bad time tomorrow. I love playing the bitch :P Anyway some people dont have a cell phone for a few days so I can't even SMS them. :|

I cried all over public forums today that I am homesick. The bodyache is getting terrible. I am sitting on an 'easy-chair' which seems quite difficult. I want to sleep for 6 months. I think it is the sickness making me type such random stuff.

Thank you for putting up with this crap. Gnite peeps!! :D

Half of my heart.

There are these days when reality comes, slaps your face, pulls your hair, screams into your ears and says - Face it!

That happened to me last evening. I finally came to terms with Gayatri leaving. For a while I've been avoiding talking about Gayathri's saga of India exit. I avoided it when she said she's leaving. I avoided it when I went to meet her one last time in Pune and I completely ran away from it by not going to the airport to see her off.

I've been telling myself, she's just around the corner, Dubai is a neighboring country etc. I spoke to the girls about her, thought I'd go see her in Jan and what not.

But it struck when I was finalizing my weekend visit to Poona. Damn. No Gayatri?! It was almost like coming out of denial. And then our conversation last evening - where we realized it doesn't seem like too long ago when we went to college and did nothing but eat, drink and make merry. Quite literally. The lack of money and commitment and responsibilities was awesome. But we did own up to our share of hard work after those 5yrs. And we did a great job. Today we are all so settled and unsettled at the same time.

We feel distant from each other and so close at the same time. We lack time but we could do with fewer hours in a day. We like the freedom and yet we are not very sure as to how free we are. We want to find someone permanent in life and yet feel so jittery about settling down. We want to act like crack-heads but we know we can't. It's beyond us. We are young but not young enough. Old but not old enough. And I don't want to term it quarter-life crisis. Don't ask me why.

This crisis seems so bad only because in the last 4 years we could have done with a few hours over the weekend at the coffee shop and could've continued being who we are. At least for a couple of hours a week.

I now feel how being present in spirit is actually a lie. No matter how much one means it, physical presence is just something else. We have metamorphosed into different people. And the change was necessary. But without each other?

Gayatri, I'd have loved to be a part of your change. I'd have loved you to be a part of my change.

I'd have loved to see you while you said what you said to me and I'd have loved to tell you little details of crazy things I hear everyday. I'd love to ask you to pick me up and I'd love to give you company in queues at the court, at the bank. I'd love to re-live those 5 years at the cost of the next 5 years. But does life give us too many options?

I am teary eyed in a long time. Gayathri with an H, I really never knew I'd miss you so bad.

Half of my heart is you Gayu. I love you.

The greatest risk in life is not taking one.

…and I've taken mine. Again.

I wonder if life is indeed this unpredictable or is it just me. I think it's just me. If I were to put a timestamp against last evening's events, I'd say I traveled from North pole to South Pole in a span of 30 mins - FLAT.

I moved from being complacent to irritated to happy to scared to insecure to i-don’t-care to I'm-done in a matter of 3 - 4 weeks. I know it looks damn unbecoming of a 24 yr old to go through all this on some important/practical aspects of life. I learnt that marriage is not like buying vegetables. If you do that, you indeed end up buying yourself a vegetable. If you want to buy something that's not a vegetable, then you can't buy it - because it is NOT a vegetable! If you end up (like me) being able to actually buy a diamond at the pretext of buying a vegetable, then you are wasting a gem. Do yourself a favor and let go.

I am not any more grown up after this saga but in fact I have come to terms with the fact that I am far from being grown up. Just as I learnt the meaning of Surreal a few months ago, I learnt the meaning of Commitment-Phobia yesterday. I chickened out exactly at the time when any other girl would be swept off her feet. I am scared of getting swept-off. I like being grounded. That's my comfort zone.

I feel the same way I felt twice (or maybe thrice) earlier in my life - Light. So light. And yet again, I know that only truth can get you peace. Mince words and you are fucked. Speak your heart out and people appreciate it. At least my friends did. They are shocked and relieved at the same time.

I think past, future, love, companionship and practicality are so overrated. I have made peace with my career plans, my instability of head and heart, my juvenile behavior at inappropriate times and who I am in general. Now life will take its own course.

They say 'Choose your own fate, else someone else will choose it for you.'

I choose to choose my own fate.

Pink and Purple weekend.

So it was a great weekend. I went to Hyd for an interview at a world-class B-School. I did a mediocre or even a sub-standard job of convincing the panel as to why they should take me. I couldn't articulate my thoughts well. My answers did not convince me, let alone convince someone else!

But for a change it was not something that bothered me. I did not come out with a heavy heart or a sinking feeling, which I otherwise do when things don't go my way. I loved the sight of a campus and I knew I want to be there on some campus - this or some other. I felt small in front of the interview panel, which again was a great feeling. When you are surrounded by people who think you are doing great for yourself, it is important to have someone criticize you and wake you up from your fairytale dream . I felt I have a long way to go and at the same time I felt convinced that I was doing the right thing.

There was of course more to the weekend than that. There was the best time ever spent with Cams. There was watching of 8 movies, head massage, making omelets for breakfast and dal rice curry for lunch. There was going out at midnight for ice cream. There was feeling sick and getting pampered. He stood at the interviewee lobby at the campus, like a body guard, in t-shirt and denims without for once feeling awkward around all the immaculately dressed candidates. He was way more nervous than I was! He spoke to me about certain life-changing decisions of my life and gave me some perspective.

I felt I never left Hyd and he never got married. All the credit goes to him for treasuring me and loving me a little more every passing day. I haven't had a 'Thank God I have him/her' feeling in so long! I left in the morning with mixed feelings - so happy that I have him and so sad that our little vacation was over.

And as always, I know that one good time comes to an end only to make way to another.

Work hard, Die Hard.

Agencies do this to you.

You lose all track of time only to keep up with deadlines. They bring back old vices. They make you stay up all night.

You start tending to yourself in the midst of chaos. You are your own office boy and your own boss.

You cannot deliver and you cannot delegate. Yet you do both.

Your body aches nonstop and you don't know what to do. After all you cannot pop meds every single day!

You skip breakfast and you skip lunch. You do not eat dinner because the 90 cups of tea you've had have killed your appetite. And your sleep.

You sleep for 3 hours on weekdays and wake up because you know you missed your deadline. You stay up all weekend to come to terms with who you are. The day you sleep for 8 hours on a weekend, you wake up with a hangover of sorts. Your body doesn't recognize 8 hour sleep after all.

You do not know whether you are 18 or 50 years old. You don't know if this is what a learning curve is all about. You wonder if you've gone up the hierarchy or slipped down 2 places.

You think of people who matter to you and the ones to whom you've stopped mattering because you were so busy chasing time.

You try to relax on your way home. You plug your iPod and it seems like noise. You curse the music industry for 10 minutes in your head and agencies for another 40.

You summarize your day as 'fucked up.' When it is not that actually. But how do you even differentiate a good day from a bad one?

Probably the day you hear - Good job! from someone. Anyone. Even the guy who clears your desk of tea cups. And somewhere within you know the day will never come.

But you know you've done a great job. And you say this to yourself - "I work for a fancy agency. Professional hazards are probably what I experience everyday. Never mind, I am awesome!"

P.S. The title is grammatically incorrect just to keep it open to interpretation!