Half of my heart.

There are these days when reality comes, slaps your face, pulls your hair, screams into your ears and says - Face it!

That happened to me last evening. I finally came to terms with Gayatri leaving. For a while I've been avoiding talking about Gayathri's saga of India exit. I avoided it when she said she's leaving. I avoided it when I went to meet her one last time in Pune and I completely ran away from it by not going to the airport to see her off.

I've been telling myself, she's just around the corner, Dubai is a neighboring country etc. I spoke to the girls about her, thought I'd go see her in Jan and what not.

But it struck when I was finalizing my weekend visit to Poona. Damn. No Gayatri?! It was almost like coming out of denial. And then our conversation last evening - where we realized it doesn't seem like too long ago when we went to college and did nothing but eat, drink and make merry. Quite literally. The lack of money and commitment and responsibilities was awesome. But we did own up to our share of hard work after those 5yrs. And we did a great job. Today we are all so settled and unsettled at the same time.

We feel distant from each other and so close at the same time. We lack time but we could do with fewer hours in a day. We like the freedom and yet we are not very sure as to how free we are. We want to find someone permanent in life and yet feel so jittery about settling down. We want to act like crack-heads but we know we can't. It's beyond us. We are young but not young enough. Old but not old enough. And I don't want to term it quarter-life crisis. Don't ask me why.

This crisis seems so bad only because in the last 4 years we could have done with a few hours over the weekend at the coffee shop and could've continued being who we are. At least for a couple of hours a week.

I now feel how being present in spirit is actually a lie. No matter how much one means it, physical presence is just something else. We have metamorphosed into different people. And the change was necessary. But without each other?

Gayatri, I'd have loved to be a part of your change. I'd have loved you to be a part of my change.

I'd have loved to see you while you said what you said to me and I'd have loved to tell you little details of crazy things I hear everyday. I'd love to ask you to pick me up and I'd love to give you company in queues at the court, at the bank. I'd love to re-live those 5 years at the cost of the next 5 years. But does life give us too many options?

I am teary eyed in a long time. Gayathri with an H, I really never knew I'd miss you so bad.

Half of my heart is you Gayu. I love you.