Checklists.

She lived her life in check-lists. Check lists that had things completely controlled by destiny and check lists that money could tick. The check lists rarely left any space for impulses. In fact that's probably why she relied so much on them - to control her impulses.

Destiny had checked an item on one of her lists - of finding a well-paying job and a beautiful one bedroom apartment well within her budget. It was now time to make that call which had been on her list for the last 2 years. She had known him for 3 years and liked him from day 1. She mustered the courage to tell him that - twice. And both the times he hugged her and apologized for not feeling the same way. They moved on in life being good friends. Not those extremely close ones, but bankable friends when they wanted to talk in riddles.

She picked up the phone and he answered in less than 3 rings.

Her: "Hey! wassup?"

Him: "Girl! U tell me... how's the house hunting goin on?"

Her: "I finally found the kinda house I wanted. Not great, not bad. You remember the promise right?"

Him: "Sorry?"

Her: "I'm booking your flight tickets for Friday evening. You will help me set this house up right?"

Him: "Of course! I know you suck at all this. And girl, whats with you booking tickets? I can do that little bit to see you after what seems forever!"

Her: "I book or you book - I want to see you tomorrow before dinner time. Is that a deal?"

Him: "I am already looking for tix on MakeMyTrip. You hang up now. Will tell you the timings later."

She hung up, smiling to herself. So what if they weren't a couple. She wanted things in her house to echo his voice and presence. Unconditional love is what it is - she thought. She made a few more check-lists of what they'd go out buying.

She received him at the airport the next day at 7:30 PM. As they took the cab towards her unfurnished, barely liveable aparment, she gave him a small gift wrapped packet.

Him: "What's this?"

Her: "A gift. "

Him: "Offo! I know. But what's in it?"

Her: "Open no, idiot! It's a small bible. I wanted to give you something you believe in. I always carry a Hanuman Chalisa in my bag and it helps me all the time. Thought I'd draw a parallel and give you a Bible. It's a lovely book anyway. "

Him: "You know, you have your unique ways."

And he throws a bright smile towards her and they share a long gaze. She knows how it means nothing to him. But she enjoys the gaze anyway.

They reach her apartment and all he can say is - "Let's go get dinner." They go to a not-so-fancy restaurant to eat and catch a drink. She likes talking to him 2 drinks down - not very guarded but knowing what she is saying. They discuss books, movies, pubs, latest vacations and personal lives. Personal lives of course in riddles. They never spoke about it directly. They had no idea about who the other person was dating or any of those. They liked that comfort of being able to say just enough to get an opinion but not have their life opened like a tabloid.

They got home and with no TV to give them company, crashed on the floor with folded woolen wear for pillows. Alarm was set for 7:00 am so that they could finish breakfast and head out to buy stuff. They woke up a little before the alarm buzzed, had some coffee out of her little electric kettle, took a shower and headed.

They were out all day buying things from her checklist - 2 single beds, mattresses, pillows, curtains, a study table, 2 chairs, a long stool, clothes line, cook-ware, utensils, wine glasses, wall clock, side lamps, ash-tray, a small fridge. Everything to be delivered after 7 PM at the house. They grabbed a sandwich for breakfast and struggled through the day buying things. He was there to help her buy things that went well with the rest of the house and made the house definer her. She had no sense of aesthetics and he was as fine as an artist can get - just the right sizes, shapes and colors of everything.

They got home at a little before 7, tired as hell but excited to have all the hundred things delivered. Pizza was ordered at 9 and the house was starting to look a little like home by 11. At 11 her feet gave up and they decided to crash on the new mattresses of which even the plastic covers had not been removed.

Somewhere in the middle of the night she heard something being dragged in the room. Too tired to even open her eyes, she assumed he was making his way to the kitchen or the loo. After some time had passed, she could feel a light hand on her. She woke up with a startle and saw him lying next to her. He had dragged his mattress all the way to where she was. She smiled to herself and could see him smile in the darkness illuminated by a faint street light. They lay there for 10 minutes, not saying a thing and enjoying being so close to each other. He finally lifted his head and came close to her.

Her: "I want to tell you something. "

Him: "Anything. Say it."

Her: "A few months ago, I was in a similar situation with a guy I really liked. I gave in that night only to have him say the next morning that it was a mistake. I can never get that thing out of my head. You know how I've felt for you in the last 3 years, but I want you to go back to bed right now. Think over it. If you think it is a mistake, then good that is averted. But if you are convinced this is right, then I won't stop you tomorrow."

Him: "You know I've had the most respect for you among all the women I've known. I will wait for a day or a month - whatever you want me to wait for. "

He then pecked her on her forehead, said goodnight and they both slept.

The next morning was not what one would predict it to be. They did not have any ice between them. They were fully in terms with what had happened the previous night. And it was this comfort that made their relationship so special. They spent time until lunch sorting out the stuff and changing arrangements a zillion times to make the house look better.

They paused for lunch at about 2. The thing from last night had been playing on her mind all day - after all he had been in her thoughts despite the many men that came by and went in the 3 years. And as if he had read her mind, he said:

"I've been thinking about last night."

Her: "Me too. "

Him: "And I am so glad you said what you did. On second thoughts, it might have been a mistake putting us both and our friendship in a sticky situation."

He then walked up to her, gave her a tight hug and smiled his deadliest smile - the one that nabbed her 3 years ago. She smiled back and let out a long sigh. Before she knew it was evening and her house looked like a dream - with lovely faint orange lamps and beautiful curtains, it seemed like the coziest place in the world to be at. And before she knew it was time for him to take a flight back.

She dropped him at the airport and thanked him for the lovely time. She got home and took out her long checklists. She found the one labeled 'HOME' and checked the last box - Have D set up the house for me.

She took out another checklist labeled 'PERSONAL' and checked the 2nd box on it - Put your foot down. She kept looking at the last box in the list which said - Start afresh.

She couldn't help but wonder how all the men in her life had been so painfully predictable. She looked at her beautiful house and savoured it.

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Author's note: Inspired by many fellow bloggers who've been churning out stories. Please suggest a better title. I know it is painfully long, but I can't help but be elaborate! :D

11 things that make me smile :)

I know I know Ive been churning out one sad post after the other. That is so not me! People've been wondering where is the real happy jumpy super enthu me. I am right here! I wear this sadness mask every now and then for the heck of change you see, but alas, I can't play sadness for too long. So here I am with a list of things that make me very very happy. I also realized thats a good exercise to pause and to say thank you to life for what and how it is - beautiful. :)

1. Happy dreams about a good score

2. Seeing mom's pictures where her nose is all swollen up in the cold cold breeze!

3. Thinking about dad's exam fear at age 55. :D

4. Bitching about one best friend to another and then emailing the chat to the one bitched! Pleasures of life I tell you!

5. Knowing that mom dad are there. Right there.

6. Seeing sister all hassled after I have messed up the house. And hear her pseudo-angry rants.

7. Hearing my best friend scream my name with equal enthusiasm on calls each time we talk.

8. Day dreaming about my studio apartment that I will decorate my style.

9. The faith that people have in me after steady strings of failure.

10. When I meet someone who believes that the yummiest sandwiches in the world are made out of the potato remains from the previous night's aloo parathas.

11. Knowing that my best friend will ensure I am not leched at or touched by random men in overcrowded pubs because she will stick to me and hold me all through the night.

I know that was a random list but I think that's where the beauty lies. :)

Who will fix this mess?

Encore. Life on rewind-repeat. Once bitten, twice shy.

They are all for me.

Something that happened last year around the same time, is happening again. That incident changed me forever. I look back and think I wish I could still be as carefree, I wish I did not doubt everyone who sends me an email after a long break and I wish I did not twitch at sms-es from familiar strangers.

I wish I could trust as easily and talk without inhibitions.

A year is a long time. A long time to change a person - for better or for worse, only time will tell. But what I already know is that the me a year ago was a better person than the me I now am - a cynical bitch.

I don't say 'sink or swim, I am diving in' to myself anymore. I am just too scared to hit the bottom again. And some people are blissfully unaware of the damage that I am left to repair.

Who will fix this mess? Or at least help me believe that it is not so bad after all.

Or is it?

Lost now and lost forever.

PP asked me to write something, anything - as a reply to my last post. And considering she is one of my favorite people in blogosphere, an obedient friend, a nice and clean soul, a listener when I need to talk, shares my crazy dreams and above all laughs on my silly jokes - I would honor her request. This post is from my diary. Just a copy-paste from MS OneNote to Blogger. I wrote it in January on my way to Delhi from Bhopal to attend a friend's wedding.

I'm travelling alone after what seems like eternity. An A/C Chair car - a 7 hour journey in a 5-star coach. Feels like my 12 hour flight to London. What mixed feelings they were... Excited for the destination but the journey was spent creating boring PPTs in a claustrophobic BA flight...sigh!

I have a window seat and as I sat I sighed a loud sigh of relief... the kinds they show in movies - a distressed corporate woman finally on her 3 day annual vacation. I looked out of the huge windows as the train moved out of Bhopal into beautiful yellow mustard fields. After 5 mins I realized I was drifting into not so pleasant thoughts of my recent past. I told myself - "Remember what your boss told you today? You've earned this holiday. So stop thinking of stupid things and enjoy this. Can't you see it is so pretty?"

As always I started drawing analogies. The fields outside were so beautiful but they were beautiful from a distance. Just seeing those farmers toil in the hot sun (which added to the beauty of the fields) was so distressing. I then thought there are so many bittersweet things in life which are like that - we wanna be there, have that. For example be rich with all the money which comes with all the hours, days and years of hard work or being in love which we all want to but only know how difficult it is once we are in it.

But that's the deal - Does it keep us happy in the long run to be shut in the suffocating comfort of a 2X3 Airconditioned coach and look out of the window like we were jailed or do we want to toil it and make those beautiful yellow fields ourselves....?

And I jerked back to reality when I was offered some piping hot coffee. I went to the loo and experienced that dreadful sucction/vaccuum flush again. There is nothing I hate as much as the noise they make. That's a big reason why I hate long distance flights. Those sounds.. damn!

I came back to my seat and decided to sleep for that's the only way to rejuvenate after 3 professionally and personally difficult months.

And sleep cheated me this time.

...and I am back (for a little while though!)

I know I know Ive been off for too long! I've been busy vacationing, pampering little kids and getting pampered by elders. What a good life, aah!

I don't have too much to write except that I went to Kerala on vacation and was in awe of the place! The greenery is just mind blowing. I also realized, for the Nth time, that I am a city girl - out and out. Each time I am visiting an exotic location my head and heart tell me I can live there in peace and solitude forever but in exactly 3 days I start missing the bustling traffic and lousy malls where there is either too much or nothing to buy! :D

I also went to our Holy place, Tirupati - after 23 years and I think the God must have been some dude to have such crazy fan following! We had a VIP entry to the place so it took us only 45 mins to get to the Sanctum Sanctorum but for people who had come there for 'Sarva Darshan' had to stand in that claustrophobic queue for 10 hours just to catch a glimpse of the God. I can tell you that some training in Bombay locals will help you stand there for anywhere between 2 to 5 seconds to get a view of the idol, otherwise you will come out after suffering blows and pushes from all directions - and feeling abysmally low cause you couldn't see/feel/experience any divinity.

As predicted, my extended family has been casting doubts about my ambitions - and have been asking me to be more realistic. But my parents are by me for whatever I do, so that is all that matters! My brother's younger boy is ADORABLE! He is the naughtiest thing I have ever seen but he is just tooo cute!

India lost the match last night... sigh! RP Singh and Rohit Sharma can find someone else for themselves. I don't love them anymore. :|

I realized that the friends I used to speak 3 times a day to, I now only speak to them once in 3 weeks - no prizes for guessing, they are all married. Hmph! But I really couldn't care less. (Damn, did I just lie?)

I am job hunting and hoping I find one before my rapidly depleting bank account touches the big zero.

I have 2 weeks to go for a make-or-break exam and I have been royally chillin' for the last 2 weeks which means I'll be seen less often on blogosphere. I must now get back to books and must spend my spare time looking for work :|

So am off for now and I will keep reading blogs and commenting, though I dont think I will write much myself. See u later peeps!

A note to my brother

They say you were my mom's body guard when she was pregnant with me. You were the first one to hold me - even before my mother or my father. You thought I looked like a monkey with all the hair on my head. You thought all baby's were born bald. You wanted to take me out to your friends the very day I was born and you cried for 10 days since they won't let you take me anywhere. 

You taught me how to toss candy in the air and make it land right into my mouth - a skill I am still so proud of. You made me sit on the bar in your cycle and I swear bhai, that hurt. But I never complained, you know why? Because I loved you more than anyone else in the world - probably more than my own sister. 

You went to Pilani and wrote to me every week. I wanted to grow up so fast and catch up with you. You told me when you had your first crush - I look back and think 12 years is quite an age gap to be confiding in a little cousin sister. You said you loved that girl and wanted to be with her. I loved her even before I knew her name - just because you loved her. 

You got married and I bought so many clothes for your wedding because I wanted to see you smile each time I looked pretty. But I caught you smiling, looking at me when you thought I was fast asleep. I wasn't big enough to know what that meant, but I now know you wanted a daughter like me and you couldn't help it but feel happy to have me. 

You were the success story the entire family spoke of - the prodigal child with photographic memory and an undeterred will to ace in whatever he did. And you loudly conveyed your wish to see me take over your place and get all the worldly success. I was a blind follower. You loved me so much. I wanted to do only that which you thought was right. I wanted to prove to you that I was good at whatever I did, that I would stand up to your expectations.

Well the word expectations is so heavy I did not know. I was growing up in my own world - learning something new about myself every single day. But somewhere wrongly assuming that you would stand by me in whatever I did. You hated the boys I liked. And I couldnt convince myself that I liked the wrong boys. You hated the courses I pursued. And I couldnt convince myself that I made wrong career choices. 

Today you are 36 with 2 sons and without a daughter like me. Today you are a success story that the world swears by. Today I love you just as much as I did when I was a day old. But today you think of me as a directionless adult. 3 days later when I will receive you at the airport, I know you will give me a not-so-warm hug and you will fire questions at me - and I will be at loss of words trying to explain why I want to do what I want to do. 

I hope someday, when you grow older, you will appreciate your little sister's will to do what she wanted to, and smile seeing her smiling face. She will smile not because she prove a point, but because her brother loves her for what she is and not for what she has. I hope you will tell your sons to follow their heart, even if it means they want to become florists and mechanics. 

And I hope someday you also, will follow your heart.

Dark Art Studio

May 28, 2009, Thursday.

Utopia: "You'll call them up and take an appointment?"

Me: "Ok cool. I am SO excited!"

Utopia: "Sorry I am making you do all the dirty work..."

Me: "Shut up. It's ok. I'll see you on Saturday."

Saturday June 30, 2009. 

10:00 AM

Utopia: "I got an appointment for 2:30. I will see you at Hard Rock Cafe at 1. We'll go from there."

Me: "Ok cool, one last time at HRC. I'll see you there."

1:00 PM over SMS

Me: I've reached. I am sitting outside. 

Utopia: I am stuck in traffic...so sorry.

Me: It's ok. come.

1:20 PM 

Utopia: "Hieee!"

Me: "Hiee!!!!"

Utopia: "We'll quickly catch a smoke and go."

Me: "No!! I haven't eaten a thing since morning. We'll eat."

Utopia: "Oh! look who's hungry, ok we'll eat and go."

An order for a veg sandwich (for me) and Chicken Pita Pockets (for her) was placed. We finished less than half of our servings and decided we could eat no more. It was time to go hunting for some Plot No. 34/11, Fraser Town. 

After 10 mins of non-sensical giggling about tying scarves like dacoits and behaving 100 pc puneri and after pretending to be hot chics wearing hot sun glasses and drooling over a nice looking boy in a Yamaha bike, we realized we have no idea where we are headed to. 

We were clueless about the place so was the auto driver. After having looked for Polytechnique college instead of a Polyclinic and after walking down the same street a couple of times (with some ATM mishaps en route) we figured out the place and reached a house with a small studio tucked somewhere in the corner. There were people smoking ciggs, drawing immaculate pictures of devils turning angels and intestines popping out of mouths and similar complex things. We had reached Dark Art Tattoo studio. 

We waited there burning time (quite literally) ridiculing a crazy woman who wanted to look hip n full of life with her sidey clothes and sidi-er tattoos. Some SMSes were exchanged bitching about her and praising the 'guy in a white tee' (since we couldn't talk loud.) We even thought we could talk in Bengali (her) and Oriya (me) since the 2 languages are so similar. We followed not a word of what the other person said. haha!

We spoke to people waiting to get tattoos done and we spoke to people doing them. We got bored. It was close to 4 o clock. We took out our iPods - I started with Kelly Clarkson's Addicted and she started with Plain White Ts Hey there Delilah. We moved on to RHCP and Matchbox 20 and 3 doors down. And I realized I had to save whatever little charge was left in the iPod for my long ride to the airport later in the evening. Now we started listening to her iPod with one ear fone each. And we heard 'ain't no sunshine.' 

Utopia: "I am my own sunshine."

Me: "hmm... good. I am glad."

Me: "you know what will my tattoo be?"

Utopia: "Get the Harvard logo done" 

Me and Utopia: "hahahaha" for about 5 mins.

Me: "No. I will get a post-it size note pinned up with a message on it - I want to own all the books in the world." Like this: 

Me: "I was dying when she was clearing blackheads off me in the parlor. I will get myself a tattoo it seems. huh."

And we giggle again.

And then the skinny, drug addict looking boy came to draw the outline on Utopia - for she was the one getting the tattoo. (I will leave the description for her to write on her blog.) Yayy! It was finally her turn to get etched in ink - for the second time! 

A skinny, 'I'll-be-dead-in-3mins' looking girl started to work the driller on her and the ease with which Utopia sat there talking and smiling was awesome. In the middle of it, I got a call saying the flight is to land at 6 45 and not 7 45 - which meant I had to run. We exchanged quick hugs, knowing we will not see each other again for the next few months or maybe even years - who knows. 

I took an auto and I could not believe I have met this girl exactly 4 times and that she knows me like I know myself. I could not believe my heart will skip a beat even thinking about having her gone and not having her weave dreams for me. 

Utopia, I just hope it is the end for a new beginning. This tattoo date was one of the most memorable days of my life for more reasons than one. As you board the train to a far off land today, I know that we will meet again - probably with some dreams from the many we have, having come true. I hope we will giggle just as much and I hope we will have some more castles to build in the air. 

"and if our hands meet in another dream we'll build another tower in the sky."