A note to my brother

They say you were my mom's body guard when she was pregnant with me. You were the first one to hold me - even before my mother or my father. You thought I looked like a monkey with all the hair on my head. You thought all baby's were born bald. You wanted to take me out to your friends the very day I was born and you cried for 10 days since they won't let you take me anywhere. 

You taught me how to toss candy in the air and make it land right into my mouth - a skill I am still so proud of. You made me sit on the bar in your cycle and I swear bhai, that hurt. But I never complained, you know why? Because I loved you more than anyone else in the world - probably more than my own sister. 

You went to Pilani and wrote to me every week. I wanted to grow up so fast and catch up with you. You told me when you had your first crush - I look back and think 12 years is quite an age gap to be confiding in a little cousin sister. You said you loved that girl and wanted to be with her. I loved her even before I knew her name - just because you loved her. 

You got married and I bought so many clothes for your wedding because I wanted to see you smile each time I looked pretty. But I caught you smiling, looking at me when you thought I was fast asleep. I wasn't big enough to know what that meant, but I now know you wanted a daughter like me and you couldn't help it but feel happy to have me. 

You were the success story the entire family spoke of - the prodigal child with photographic memory and an undeterred will to ace in whatever he did. And you loudly conveyed your wish to see me take over your place and get all the worldly success. I was a blind follower. You loved me so much. I wanted to do only that which you thought was right. I wanted to prove to you that I was good at whatever I did, that I would stand up to your expectations.

Well the word expectations is so heavy I did not know. I was growing up in my own world - learning something new about myself every single day. But somewhere wrongly assuming that you would stand by me in whatever I did. You hated the boys I liked. And I couldnt convince myself that I liked the wrong boys. You hated the courses I pursued. And I couldnt convince myself that I made wrong career choices. 

Today you are 36 with 2 sons and without a daughter like me. Today you are a success story that the world swears by. Today I love you just as much as I did when I was a day old. But today you think of me as a directionless adult. 3 days later when I will receive you at the airport, I know you will give me a not-so-warm hug and you will fire questions at me - and I will be at loss of words trying to explain why I want to do what I want to do. 

I hope someday, when you grow older, you will appreciate your little sister's will to do what she wanted to, and smile seeing her smiling face. She will smile not because she prove a point, but because her brother loves her for what she is and not for what she has. I hope you will tell your sons to follow their heart, even if it means they want to become florists and mechanics. 

And I hope someday you also, will follow your heart.