Unable to reach GMail. Trying to reconnect now...13 seconds

Well that's how I have been feeling for the past many weeks now. Trying to reconnect to myself but those endless 13 seconds...oh man! And then the most unexpected of things makes me actually reconnect. It's a different matter reality makes me disconnect in just 13milliseconds - reality like the emptiness after a phone call. But before I lose the steam and say to myself - 'write what Jinu??' I will just scribble.

I went for a movie, zindagi na etc etc... and I felt I haven't been myself in so long. I have come a long way in the last 5 years - from being a dreamer to being pragmatic. It is so unfortunate and unbelievable that this transformation has left me so empty. I remember going on road trips when I was 18 or 20 or 22 and I'd let my hair fly, I'd pull out my sunglasses and have them switch the a/c off.. I'd plug my music and stare at endless farms and all I knew was I loved the wind on my face. I loved that green and brown and blue. I was lonely but I wasn't empty. I thought of lovers gone and lovers to come, I thought of best friends, of beautiful rainy days, of mad fun nights with girl friends and of quiet evenings with family. In the midst of all that I wished I had a cycle in the boot of the car or there was a river with a boat. I was happy when I traveled. I wanted to travel more and some more. I made long endless lists of places I wanted to visit - from going for car rallies in Germany to going to UK for the Wimbledon or simply hitting the beautiful Indian country side. That wanderlust is now gone and it has taken away the joy of the breeze. I now tie my hair tight and wear sunscreen and read books about successful businesses.

The quintessential Indian upbringing that I've had, I 've slept under the star-lit sky many a times as a child. I relived that joy a few years ago...on a rather weird night. It was a moment that lasted for all of 10 minutes but has stayed with me forever. On that night, someone said - I am the girl everyone wants to be with - carefree, independent, smart and yet a childlike excitement in everything I said or did. Soon after that night, the child died. My life was suddenly empty. I wanted to fill my emptiness with checklists. 1. Nice job 2. Good education 3. Life partner and many more such things. Some of them have come true and some are yet to materialize. What have these checklists made me? Unhappy, arrogant, hungry and dissatisfied. Well 4 such adjectives might be a bit of an exaggeration but its not too far from the fact. The idea was to have this checklist while I stayed in touch with myself but I guess it doesn't work that way. Well I am being unfair to my thus far wonderful life... after all every now and then I've let my hair down and had fun. But the point is I don't feel like myself any more. I love the fact that I am grown up, responsible and not a maverick but what the heck I feel I am trying to fill every empty space with one thing - marriage. Yes, my overrated, over discussed wedding. My poor fiance has been a victim of many a tortures because I stopped thinking about anything other than us and the life of 'togetherness' ahead of us. Togetherness of what? I asked myself today - of suffocation, possession and insecurity? That's not who I am. Latest signs disagree though! I am all of those and more. I am forever angry, forever cribby and forever unsatisfied. Only because I've stopped being myself, stopped letting go, stopped having fun, stopped being excited, stopped reconnecting.

While I've been pondering over how to be a better person through the day, the movie just helped me stir myself a bit. From tomorrow right now will begin a journey towards a better me. So here is the checklist, here are the action items things I will do, willfully, for a better me, a better life -

1. Manage anger - calm down. It's not always about you. Move away and look at it. If you are getting angry, just tell yourself - think about it again.

2. Manage relationships - Soulmates are different from lovers. Both need to be preserved. Lovers take the form of husbands and become fixtures but soulmates are drifters. Don't let them go.

3. Manage responsibilities - towards myself. I will do what ought to be done but I will not lose my sleep over it. Nothing is the end of the world.

4. Get a job - Not for money but for occupation. Empty mind is devil's workshop and depression's holiday home. I won't let them stay. I will get busy, productive. And I will know that not finding a job soon enough is NOT the end of the world for sure!

5. Read, relax - HBR doesn't help you unwind. It's a bit more noise. Read what helps you evolve as a person not as an employee.

Ok enough said. Here's to a better me. Adios Amigos!