Self Evaluation

I rated myself on a scale of ten and gave myself a big L. Yes, L for Loser – on a scale of ten it is equivalent to an L. haha nonsense, I know. But what the hell, life is also such non-sense. This whole now-what feeling is so horrid. I’ve lived my life in ‘what-nexts’ and so these frustrating ‘now-whats’ are rather rare events and weigh me down heavily. There have been primary what-nexts like wanting to move cities to interim what-nexts like how to make the next week, month, quarter exciting.

So let’s trace back to the year 1999, yes 12 years back. All I wanted was to get out of home and live by myself in a hostel in a new city and study. Year 2000 and I was off, living by myself from draft-to-draft (yes, bank drafts of Rs 3500 that dad used to send every month) and making new friends and going to new places and trying some new alcohol every time I could. Of course, the necessities and comforts like food, clothing, shelter, scooters, restaurant food were provided for by dad but the luxuries like Fosters beer (and eventually KF and then Smirnoff and then Absolut) were provided for by sister’s part-time job salary. The girls made the ‘what-nexts’ exciting from 2000-2005. Damn those five years of incredible youth! There were many cheap thrills in my list of what-nexts which gave rise to vices like ‘many-readers-know-what.’ Of course there was this ‘has-to-be-done’ part which was score decent enough grades so as to continue being a nomad. Then there were unaccounted-for occurrences like boyfriends and heart breaks followed by an immense sense of liberation which also motivated certain further ‘what-nexts’ like higher studies or jobs. Of course, the jobs happened and so happened Hyderabad and happened another, raise-the-bar (bar - literally and figuratively) BFF. This was also coupled with many interim ‘what-nexts’ like foreign visits and promotions and awards and crushes. And then came the major ‘what-next’ of I cant stand this life anymore so let’s figure it out. Then there was home and then Bangalore and then Bombay and the agency life. Then the ‘what-next’ took me to school and I had the wonderful last year – none of which has been documented but is etched in my memory forever. The interim ‘what-nexts’ in the last one year were quite arbit and ranged from ‘should I take up a job again’ to ‘what do I wear for the Nth party tonight’ to ‘wtf will happen if I don’t submit this damn assignment.’

Ok let’s not get carried away - the biggest ‘what-next’ of my life was – Do I marry this guy who is just so awesome but will completely uproot my perfect world of the perfect job and the perfect salary and the perfect bank balance to buy dad the perfect car and push my perfectly carved near future to another century. I decided to make the plunge and let go of the perfection. Clearly, I was (and am) in love. Which rational girl would otherwise decide to move to a new country with a man she’s met for all of 10 days and to stay jobless for months and be willing to cook for him and live with him and be his wife? So, scary as it may sound, I am anxious but not worried about the future has in store for me. My ‘what-next’ these days is about buying the perfect sarees and perfect jewelry and everything else that is perfectly within the budget. What an impossible ‘what-next’...sigh!

OK then why did I give myself a big L again? Because there is this eternal frustration of feeling like a sub-optimal character that does nothing all day but eats, sleeps and hopes to lose weight after all the dal-rice and mangoes. There is the frustration of not using grey cells and wanting to use this time discussing interesting articles from HBR or working on a business-idea (No, there is none.) But the biggest reason I’ve given myself an L is because I can’t believe my list of ‘what nexts’ has turned out to be so lame. Shopping for wedding? Really? Job hunting in the US sitting here is a futile attempt. Of course ‘that perfect job’ is on my list and ‘that beautiful life of eating a sandwich with him under the golden gate’ is also on the list. But time just doesn’t seem to move. Nothing seems to move. No ‘what next’ can come true if time moves at this pace.

So, where were we, again?