I am bigger than the bank and better than they want to believe

It's kinda odd how many drafts I have... incomplete, heart felt drafts that I never finished and posted because I am so drained out. The paperwork, guests at home, the sense of being lost is all so overwhelming. And then there are pipe dreams which become dreamier with every passing day.

Education loan papers haven't come yet and I have 48 hours from now to leave for Hyderabad. If I dont get it, then this is what my suicide note will say - "Too bored to apply for loan elsewhere. Will try being born in a richer family than go through this shit again, so bye peeps!"

I am missing having chai at the tea stall in Santacruz, next to my office and abandoning work for hours together to gossip about everything from homosexuality to infidelity and money to drugs with my only friend in that beautiful city. My hometown feels like its hit by a disaster and is just recovering from death....I miss the Bombay buzz!

I miss rummaging in my bag for a pack of milds and the matchbox. I miss the light-headed feeling after 2 drags and how the smoke takes some of the crap off my head through my lungs. After a couple of wreckless months, I am clean for about a month now and except for the occasional craving, I am good.

I slapped someone very 'random' in my dream. I don't know where it resurfaced in my memory after almost a year, and that too at a subconscious level, but it suddenly felt  like there was a closure. Ah what a moment that was, so what if it was a dream! That slap which I can replay in mind in slow motion and savour as many times as I want... aah what an orgasmic feeling! I woke up smiling and feeling victoroius.

On second thoughts, what a loser I am to not have done this feat in real life... anyway!

I am suddenly lost after typing all this. But I am determined not to save to drafts but to publish post instead.

And yes, I am better than they can imagine. Ever.

Essay - My House

I wrote this essay when I was 5. And I spoke of all that I had in my house. 4 rooms, a lawn, a car, loving parents, a sibling. On the verge of 25, I write this essay again. And I realize I don't have a house yet. I have a few places with loved ones I can call home and go live at but I don't have a house. 


I don't have a house that's devoid of noise and that feels like me. I don't have a house with a reading room - a room with wall-to-wall mattresses on the floor with shelves on 4 walls that stock books. I don't have a house with a small living room. If only I had a house it would have had pictures in solid black frames. It would be a house with plants and without fish. If I had a house it'd smell of old books and lime. The house would have no extra racks. My house wouldn't have collections of antics. If I had a house, it wouldn't have a mini-bar. This hypothetical house of mine would be a purpose driven house, not aesthetics driven. It would have sunlight that I couldn't handle. It would have 2 long chairs. Just 2. The house would feel like me and have bright colors. 


If I had a house, it would have no calendars but would have a huge wall clock. You ask why? So I'd know how many hours more I could read in the room with the wall-to-wall mattresses and how many hours before I drew the curtains. The clock would tell me when to water the plants and when to step out to smile at random people on streets. I'd sleep well before the clock strikes 12 and guess what? I wouldn't have to bother about the ticking calendar.

Year end Rover-isms!

It's a bad time to write a post, aint it? I mean people are out visiting places and here I am typing on a screen? Well, I am having such a gala time that I had to write!!

Vacation, Parents, extended family, new members in the family (cuuuute little baby girl, to be precise) loads and loads of sleep, yuuummy food, touristy trips in cramped up cars, sleeping on mattresses strewn all over the place because there are 30 people in a 5 bedroom house, waking up in the night and crossing over people's legs like you are in a refugee camp, sneaking to the terrace and talking over the phone to the girls, cracking nasty jokes and beating up brother. Now THAT is life!

Well 2 legs of my 3-leg vacation are over. One was with sister with parents and the other was extended family in remote parts of India. It has been so awesome so far. Now it is time to relax, unwind, shop and of course, sit peacefully and finish some writing for MBA Apps.

I sometimes think to myself I am such a list-freak. I made wishlists and some more wishlists and so many new year resolutions  and loads of other lists. I accomplish about 40% of what I say and end up doing soooo many other exciting things that I could've never imagined. Like living in 3 odd cities in 2009 and dating some menace in the name of men, for instance. And guess what, despite knowing that my listing doesnt help much, I still make loads and loads of lists. And I am ready with many more new yr resolutions. The funniest part is my lists are as lame as they can get. Like lose weight, read more, eat healthy, reduce bills etc. haha! That's pretty much my list for this year too, actually! Oh ya, since Jinu V 2.5 will be launched in Feb (yes, I turn twenty freakin five!!!) there will be many more lists to ensure I dont hit quarter life crisis and I continue feeling like a bird or a fish or a kite or a pebble or a dry leaf (yes yes all those poetic things that are supposedly free!)

Ok I've lost the point. Anyway, I was deleting sms-es from my phone today and the one person who's sms-es I cant delete is NB Her love messages can very well get me rid of annoying boyfriends. All I have to do is rename her as a guy on my phone and people will think I am married :P I lovvvve u girl! And then theres my sister. Her messages are ALWAYS asking me to say sorry! I wonder why.

Anyway, it is not a great post for 30th December of any year but I feel happy about being so happy and for having all that I have. Though I could do with the job of a florist, you see. :)

Good girls go to heaven. Bad girls work at ad agencies.

Good girls become iBankers. Bad girls work for ad agencies. Good girls are the ambitious types.

Good girls become Chartered Accountants. Bad girls work for ad agencies. Good girls are the studious types.

Good girls become doctors. Bad girls work for ad agencies. Good girls are the respectable types.

Good girls get proposed 3 times in their life. Bad girls work for ad agencies. Good girls have a dearth of desperate men around them.

Good girls have a life. Bad girls work for agencies. Good girls have office timings on the lines of 9-5.

Good girls dress up. Bad girls work for agencies. Good girls have the time and motivation to dress up.

Good girls eat healthy food. Bad girls work for ad agencies. Good girls don't believe in alcoholism.

Good girls don't have bronchitis. Bad girls work for ad agencies. Good girls don't know how to light a cigarette.

Good girls sleep on time. Bad girls work for ad agencies. Good girls don't stay up all night for TVCs.

Good girls wear deodorant. Bad girls work for ad agencies. Good girls don't know how perfumes are different.

Good girls do the right things. Bad girls work for ad agencies. Good girls don't know how to live it up.

Good girls go to heaven. Bad girls go everywhere ;-)

Random updates

I dont have much to write... its just that I feel like writing :P

Its been an okay day and a nice evening. Nothing special about it except that I went for a drink with a gay friend. She gave me some perspective on things and I could tell her in so many words how the movie Milk made me feel a little queasy. And we spoke of life and relationships in general. There was no work talk and there was no talk of my MBA. Yayy!

I am wayyyy behind deadlines - wrt to both short term and long term goals. My salary will be late this month and I am broke. I have a body ache which kinda tells me I will fall sick. I hate certain aspects of my job and yet I am so much at peace with my life. I think thats called finding comfort in discomfort/beauty in breakdown or whatever. Ok why dramatize the whole thing, just because its my blog? I am in an i-care-a-damn attitude today and might wake up after 7 hours thinking I have a terrible life :P

I catch this power-nap in the bus and I like feeling all Bombay-ish. Busy and hassled. I think the small town girl wants to feel all city-like. hehehe. My phone is out of charge and I dont want to hunt for the charger in my bag. Will let the battery die and will give the Biz Dev team a bad time tomorrow. I love playing the bitch :P Anyway some people dont have a cell phone for a few days so I can't even SMS them. :|

I cried all over public forums today that I am homesick. The bodyache is getting terrible. I am sitting on an 'easy-chair' which seems quite difficult. I want to sleep for 6 months. I think it is the sickness making me type such random stuff.

Thank you for putting up with this crap. Gnite peeps!! :D

Buzzzzzz again!

So! Life's been a little weird... I have too much to do and I have a lot of time but I am not getting anything done. I think its because the things I have to do, do not excite me much.

I went to some lovely waterfalls a few hundred kms away from this town and I had a nice time. But it did not stay with me. I went to some national park and felt like I was in a zoo. Vacations stay with me but this one did not. With every passing day I can see the difference between what I want and what I am working towards. But I have decided not to think too much because I ponder way more than necessary and that is not doing me any good. I need to -

Focus on 1 thing at a time. I must stop looking at my To-Do list every 5 mins.

Give myself deadlines and adhere to them. How?

Prioritize. Yes. I am walking on razor's edge already!

Stop getting the 'I want to run away' feeling. I can't run away from myself after all, can I?

Make time for vacation with the girls. I miss them too much for my own good. :(

Get rid of writer's block.

Well that summarizes my life not-so-beautifully. I write some posts just for reference. So that I can read them after 10 years and..and do what? Ok I decided am not going to think much. So peace with the documentation.

I owe this blog more love than I am giving right now. I promise I will write something better, more hearty in the next few weeks. Ciao!!

(I've been thinking of the 'wow' factor. Something that differentiates someone/something from the rest. Ever wondered what your wow factor is? Leave a line if you figured something out!)

11 things that make me smile :)

I know I know Ive been churning out one sad post after the other. That is so not me! People've been wondering where is the real happy jumpy super enthu me. I am right here! I wear this sadness mask every now and then for the heck of change you see, but alas, I can't play sadness for too long. So here I am with a list of things that make me very very happy. I also realized thats a good exercise to pause and to say thank you to life for what and how it is - beautiful. :)

1. Happy dreams about a good score

2. Seeing mom's pictures where her nose is all swollen up in the cold cold breeze!

3. Thinking about dad's exam fear at age 55. :D

4. Bitching about one best friend to another and then emailing the chat to the one bitched! Pleasures of life I tell you!

5. Knowing that mom dad are there. Right there.

6. Seeing sister all hassled after I have messed up the house. And hear her pseudo-angry rants.

7. Hearing my best friend scream my name with equal enthusiasm on calls each time we talk.

8. Day dreaming about my studio apartment that I will decorate my style.

9. The faith that people have in me after steady strings of failure.

10. When I meet someone who believes that the yummiest sandwiches in the world are made out of the potato remains from the previous night's aloo parathas.

11. Knowing that my best friend will ensure I am not leched at or touched by random men in overcrowded pubs because she will stick to me and hold me all through the night.

I know that was a random list but I think that's where the beauty lies. :)

What do you think about love? Important and Irrational or Not-so-important and rational?

I am most definitely not the right person to talk about love in the truest sense of it, the kinds they talk about in books -  considering I've always been in 'walk-in-walk-out' relationships (romantically) and I value my platonic relationships wee bit too much to be able to write about them.

 

But given the fact that most of the world lives in a practical world of love where one's choice of lover is based on a complex matrix of compatibility, or in more crude terms - convenience. Career and family compatibility, value-system compatibility, status compatibility, tolerance-compatibility, sense of settlement compatibility and a whole bunch of such factors. I very well understand (and respect the fact)  that these factors vary in importance for different people but the crux remains the same - it  is the long term compatibility based on ones limits and limitations.

 

I am a staunch believer of this matrix. Only because I have one life and I want to spend it living completely rather than loving mindlessly. As long as I can peacefully co-exist with certain constants like respect and space, I think the love et al falls into place. I've never heard of real Romeo-Juliet /Laila-Majnu/Heer-Ranjha couples. Honestly,  the real-life couples with most dramatic and awww(e)-inspiring stories are based on the (not-so-simple) compatibility/comfort level matrix! So why bother much?

 

Anyway why did I go explaining this? Because each time I read a book that describes love in a very heroic way, it leaves me bewildered. When passages talk about love with such passion, I am left wondering what it must be like to be in such love. (Disclaimer: I don't want to be in such destructive love where lovers can kill or die or go mad or disown or forget-it-all. I am happy feeling jitters and butterflies every now and then choosing to walk in if it is nice and walk out if it was too much hassle for the 2 of us!)

 

I've always written down those passages (among other beautiful passages) from books into my little red-colored spiral note-book --- to use it as a text for reference. I've been an utter failure in understanding/imbibing those feelings but I have taken the pain to type them out and put them up in my new blog, here. 

That is because they sound amazing and make for some literary delight. Some of these stories are brave, some docile, some plain-romantic, some meaningless - but they are just beautiful pieces of text. In fact some of them are close to real feelings too! (I am not a die-hard romantic but girl-enough to feel special things!)

 

If any of you can relate to the passages out there, do leave a comment! Hope you enjoy reading them as much as I did!

 

(Clearly, my own answer to the question in the title is - important and rational)

 

Buzzzz....

Ladakh calling - in July. Yes Myulee, we will go. My family has a thing against me being adventurous. Irrespective of the fact that they've been there done that and have always come out of adventures, being happy and fine! Never mind, I've done far too many things in life because I wanted to do them, not getting deterred by their 'we'll save you from everything forever.' Ladakh is just drop in the ocean.

 

Cousins coming over. Preparing myself for the quintessential family debate - with me on one side trying to explain I will do what I want to do as and when I want to do it - and with family on the other side trying to convince me that life is a battle against time - and so I should make the most of today. (And the topic will eventually shift to - 'make the most' in whose terms? Theirs or mine? And I will be told I am faffing around to compensate for the lack of focus and direction in life.) Damn, even the thought tires me out. Wonder how I will go through the drill. Sigh!

 

Twinnie will be missed. My vent when deepest fears are turning ugly, my motivation machine when I need to hear - "Girl, I am telling you - when this plastic bubble breaks - you are gonna have it all. It is just a matter of time before you had the dream college and that one person who loves you for who you are." And I will miss the instant second line - "Look at everyone man! They are all set! And you and me will be forever sitting at Hard Rock café sipping sweet lime and smoking cigarettes." hahah. Yes girl, I will miss you.

 

And what is already missed is someone with wolf-like capacity to read, clarity of thoughts (or maybe the lack of it) and certain special moments. But happiness is transitionary and has to be cherished for its worth - not to be looked back at bring the sulking out. So I am at peace with what I had and what I don't have. 

“The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who can't read.” - Mark Twain.

I read a lot. At least I try to. There are times when I read for 19hrs a day and there are times when I read only 19 pages a day. But I read something everyday. I always believe that if a book has something for you to learn from it, you will pick up that book at the right time and read it. If you havent read a particular book yet, it is because it has something for you to learn at a latter date. Some people say I think so because I relate whatever I am reading to, with my current situation and pick something from it. Either way, I see reading as a cathartic process. 

And when I read, if there is something that touches me somewhere, irrespective of whether I understand the author's intention completely or not, I write it down in a diary that I have for the last many years. I quote the author, note down the name of the book and the page number. My diary now has some timeless jewels. I've always held that diary very closely to myself and have gone back and re-read the pages, to see if I understand the same thing better or even for that matter, differently. I always thought I will give that diary to someone deserving - whoever it be - a stranger, my grandchildren, my mother - whoever. 

I read something nice today and when I took the book out to write it down I felt like a miser trying to treasure what I have. But is knowledge to be treasured in books or is to be precipitated for a higher goal? Most definitely the latter. And so I though what better than a new blog which has only that. Just precious words quote unquote. It might give some people some much needed inspiration, it might make people pick up a book they have been procrastinating to read or even introduce people to something new. People can leave comments on their interpretation of the words, express agreement/disagreement or plainly find a beautiful expression for what's been there on their mind. 

Let me know what you think of this. Meanwhile I will look for a nice template, a good title for the blog and choose my first passage. (GMAT can wait! ) 

I need an answer.

Was it in fact a good idea at all that we chased the Brits out of our country? 

Think about it and tell me. 

Writer's block

The title makes me look like a self proclaimed writer, but I am guessing bloggers can go this far and call themselves writers too! Or maybe typists. haha

I've been meaning to write for such a long time but I dont have much to write except for a few updates here and there... so this is more like my buzzzz posts but not half as interesting I am sure. Anyway here goes it - 

1. My folks (who I stay with out here) have gone to Goa and considering they are the people who love me the most in this world (of course after my parents) I am sure they will get me some cool stuff! I am totally looking forward to opening packet after packet of gifts! 

2. I have changed my brand of smokes (damn I hope there is no one in my family who reads this blog. Like seriously!) Anyway I've moved to Marlboro Ultra Lights and I see it as a step towards healthier lungs :P 

3. I've been going to the gym regularly. I want to lose 4kgs before August i.e my cousin's wedding. 

4. Oh wedding reminds me there was this girl (we are distant relatives. Her and my sister were very close at one point in time) who was very keen on me tying the knot with her geek brother.He is finally getting married to someone else. Phew! Techie from DCE and an MBA from LBS, they thought was reason enough for me to wanna get hitched. But no! I am destined for a whole lot of messy relationships right? So I will hang on for a while. Hmph! 

5. I am in the city that has both my ex and prospectives and neither of them know I am here. I go into the city with a constant fear of bumping into them. Sucks. 

6. It was my budds birthday yesterday and I surprised her and all that. She seemed quite excited. So was I. I love her. :) 

7. I am damn bored, I am dying to write about the voter turn out being so low and the mishaps some of my people had to face with missing names, the IPL and other stuff in general. But I am so damn bored! 

OK I'll buzz off before I rub on the boredom peeps! 

CBFC Indian Rating U/A - make sure you are 16+ or are reading this under Parental Guidance.

I made use of my 2nd most fundamental right (the 1st being the right to cast my vote) after 2 full months. The right to visit the salon. Yes. As a female citizen of a free democratic country, I see going to the salon and getting some excess hair removed and getting a massage every now and then as a fundamental right (and also a duty towards fellow citizens of both sexes :P )

I strongly believe in posting stories that are for 'family reading/viewing' and are not meant for audiences that are 18+ of age. But this one experience has forced me to break the rule and post a U/A rated post.

I went to the salon today to get a 'facial clean-up.' (That's different from a facial, for all the male species reading this.) To my utter amusement and surprise, I had a male staff member to give me the 'service.' I have gotten hair cuts and pedicures by male staff at these unisex salons but never a facial service which requires you to change into their rather skimpy and ill-fitting robes. (and so sort of makes it embarrassing to lie down on a single bed with the A/C blowing you off.) Never mind, I agreed to do the ritual, get out of my t-shirt and into the robe. The guy comes in and I am surprised. I have no clue why would such a cute/hot guy work in a salon and not model for Yamaha. Or Gillette.

So he says nothing but (the ritual is all this small talk between your salon assistant and you which almost leaves the 2 of you as best of friends at the end of those 2 hours of waxing, threading, clean-up and pedicure.) "Please lie down." It was strange and sexy in a very hollywood-ish manner. His hands started working up my neck to my chin and back to my neck and this time till my cheeks and then back to my neck and to my nose and then back to my neck and to my forehead - in slow, soft and circular motions. It was as if he was testing me and my patience by not touching my temples and eyes - which are the most relaxing parts when you get a facial massage. And when he finally reached my temples and eyes - something shot through me and sent a shiver through my spine.

He then went across to the other end of the room and this time I did not trust him to come back and do the routine but instead leave me wondering if I want to say a yes or a no. But no, he went across to the other end to fetch a big white clean towel. He says "Ma'am, you are shivering." Damnit, with those fingers and the darn A/C you think I was capable of doing anything better but shiver? Never mind, I threw a smile at him with my closed eyes. I was acting like a sly cat stealthily sipping milk hoping nobody is watching!

Now was the time to remove black heads (an utterly painful process where they squeeze your life out through your nose.) and I was dreading this. (I always do - with or without the guy!) He could see the strain on my facial muscles and said "Relax, it won't hurt much." And he took charge of my nose in a way that came across as the manliest thing ever. He did the due and said - "Here, you are done!" and the sound seemed to come from almost my nose! Hang on, it was this sly guy, so close to my nose, telling me it was all done. And I held my breath and said "thank you." when I could think of a million other variants to the acknowledgement 'thank you.'

He then put a pack on my face. By now you are supposed to be so relaxed that your face just starts glowing out of the relaxation and not exactly because of all the zillion pastes they apply on you. But today, I was more strained than I had been during my Std 10 Boards! I had clenched my fist so tight all through the last 30 - 40 mins that my nails had poked into my palm. He then said "I'll be back in 15" and he left. The way I slept after that was as if I was active on that single bed with some other activity and not a facial. I was tired of all the strong musk and the fingers working across those few inches.

I woke up when I felt those fingers, again, on my neck, cleaning the dried up face pack with a wet sponge. I was praying to God that the process ended before I could self-accuse myself of mentally molesting a poor salon assistant. I am not sure if it did. Because when I saw my face in the mirror after he left, I was sure as hell glowing ten times better than one would with an afterglow.

But what is happiness except the simple harmony between a man and the life he leads?

Guess what?! I watched TV today... like not news, but other entertainment channels. (Indian politics and other news items are also entertaining, not denying it.) These are my observations from the minute I switched on the TV - 

1. TATA Sky is awesome. I mean digital TV is better than cable TV. We've had digital TV for the last many years (since it was launched in India) but I think today was when I actually watched TV with like loads of attention. It makes the 'surfing' and the viewing experience so much better. 

2. There is no dance show like Boogie Woogie. It's been there since I was in school, like 4th Std or something. Off late there have been shows like Nach Baliye, Jhalak Dikhlaja, Dance India Dance and what not. They are these melodramatic shows with little or no real talent. But boy the talent Boogie Woogie contestants have, it is crazy. I watched it today again and the way Javed, Naved conduct the show is plain, simple and nice. 

3. It is bloody IPL time!!! Are my esteemed readers aware that I am this crazy cricket fanatic!? Yes I can even watch test matches, 5 days at a row with not necessarily India featuring in it. And I feel SO damn guilty that I still don't know the IPL team composition. :( My Sunday schedule is to figure out which team has which players and choose my team. (Since I am more of an Indian than a Punjabi, Hyderabadi or a Delhiite, I will choose my team totally bias-free)

Ok now beyond TV - 

I am damn happy today, for no particular reason. :))) Yes, I am all smiles! I have a few movies that I can watch tonight and some kickass books lined up for my reading pleasure. I am all set to pack my bags and to go awayyy! (I am not thinking of the other not-so-pleasant things which I have no control over.) 

Aren't ya'll happy for me? :) 

Sending loads and loads of hugs and kisses for allll of you who need it. :)

* Oh btw, I have put on weight. Not being sad (decided not to) but just letting you know. Will go for a run from Wednesday onwards. And will start gyming from April 10th. OK Tata ByeBye.

Buzzzzzzzz.....

I had to write. There is no other way out. There are just tooooo many thoughts out there.

 

1. 1. I don’t want to talk to anyone. Nor do I want to listen.  I will not answer phone calls, fine. But how do I tell my folks at home? They look forward to me coming home so that they can talk and hear me talk. Sigh! But I am so glad I am up here in my room for the next 8 hours.

 

2. 2. I can't wait to go away, now that I know I am going away. And it is upsetting to see mom so upset about it. She ain't saying it loud but drops these rather loud hints. Their insecurity is killing me. They feel I'll never be with them again. Eight damn years I stayed away and 8 months suddenly make them so miserable? They talk things like - "us oldies of the family should settle down in one place." Hell it makes me feel as if they are all gonna build themselves a freakin old age home!

 

I don’t know about uncles and aunts but my parents sure deserve better. And me and sister are more than clear about it. Mom still hasn’t lived her dream of wearing nice frocks with a hat and walking on the streets of London on a sunny day. How can she even TALK about that stupid old age home setting! Disgusts me.

 

3. 3. Everyone in my family (even distant relatives)  is killing himself/herself (and me in the process) over  my B-school. I wonder why they are obsessing so much. I wanted to do the damn MBA because I thought what they teach out there is fab if you went to the right place. Precisely why all the struggle to go to that damn Harvard. But now I've started feeling/behaving like a stubborn child who doesn't want to do something because everyone else is insisting.

 

Hell, why can't people tell me that I should do what I want to. Why do they start the sentence with -" I want you to…."  To hell with what you want!

 

4. 4. Good things that happen in a day help us live with the not-so-good things. Every stage of my life I have come across someone who is very much like me. Like really very much. And this person has just appeared from nowhere, clicked in one go and stayed forever or for really long in my life. It has happened again. Utopia she is. My blogger twin. Our wavelengths (read: embarrassing stories and weird minds) matched and we confided in each other quite a bit right on our 2nd chat. We haven't met yet and I already feel awesome about her. Welcome to my life,  girl. Hope you are here to stay! And yes, I'll see you in April.

 

       5.  My company is broke. Momentarily. And the auspicious moment happens to be the time I am also quitting! They owe me about a lakh of rupees. And I have no idea if they will clear my dues this 31st (my last day!) or not. As you all know I am being shipped to a secret location. But hell, the secret location is this expensive tier 1 city of India. Damn I need the freakin dough! 

Yes there's dad but come on! It is weird to just keep taking non-stop. He is not a very rich man. It is kinda strange but for the first time I am feeling crushed because of finances. I've seen more than enough financial crunches but never felt so disheartened and never have I been upset for days over it. May be it is the 6 figure that's making it difficult. God please, I need you to intervene.

 

Thanks guys, for putting up with this insipid post about my insipid life.

 I sound like such a cry baby. Shit. 

...yet again about elections - you think I'm diseased?

Ok please excuse me, I am still obsessing over the elections. Kindly bear with me -

 

I was watching an early morning show on NDTV which is called 'Youth for change.' The journo went to Presidency college, Kolkata and was talking to the students. They are the typical intellectual student community  but have a long way to go. When asked about how would they choose their leader, they spoke of Recession and Terrorism - definitely 2 big issues at the moment but not the only criteria for choosing your Government for the next term. I don't blame them poor kids. When I was their age, I am sure even I spoke of the topics that had max media coverage.

 

What I am trying to say is - it is important for media houses to educate these collegians into the nitty gritties of policy issues. There is a whole game of geo-politics, (which I think should be an important factor while choosing leaders ) issues of trade agreements and the stand of different parties on these issues and very importantly - the issue of the poor of the country - food, clothing, shelter. Transparency, governance, sustainability etc are some other important aspects. And I say these should be looked into while peaking at agendas and manifestos because a political parties stand on these important issues determines the nation's growth. It is a cumbersome process and there is nothing like some solid tv show/road show talking about these things and creating mass appeal.

 

I honestly think we have to move beyond talking about the most talked stuff. 

Growing up is a process. Not an event.

Ok so it seems I am growing up... or is old the word? Ok no, I am growing up. 

I can feel the change in me. I no more want to wear my t-shirts with those skulls drawn on them and stupid wise-cracks. Those denims cut into half and those crazy cargo pants are all gone now. I have moved to wearing simpler tees, I am no more wearing shorts and parading around the town. I wear nice striped and buttoned shirts to work. I enjoy wearing those pretty kurtas and nice churidars. Make me feel like a girl. I like it I think. :) 

I do not melt as rapidly anymore. I know late night phone calls don't always mean something. I do not approve of things I cannot live with. For ex. Someone is a bad listener but otherwise sweet? To hell with you - good listener is top 3 in my list of criteria. And I am addressing my needs and not compromising anymore. 

I am more aware of the fact that my parents are growing old. Daddy is daddy and not Rambo. They need to and want to be closer to their siblings. I won't fuss around about not being in the North. Let them be where they find peace. I am also in terms with the compromises that I will have to make as I settle down. Settling down itself will be a compromise for a compulsive nomad like me. But I will. For the love of parents. They will eventually need to be taken care of. 

I am not anti-discipline anymore. On second thoughts, I never was. But I am not fussy about restrictions and deadlines any more. Some age old rules like don't be out all alone until too late in the night and don't spend forever over the fone suddenly seem to be making sense. Or maybe because I know that these are probably my last 2 weeks with parents for a really really long time. So I am ready to live with all this. 

I still like my rock music and I still wear my iPod around my neck 24/7. I still haven't gotten rid of my fettish for crazy bags and footwear. But I think it's fine. I still miss my friends like crazy. (which should now reduce. Sooner the better.)

I am looking forward to making my coffee myself and toasting my bread myself. I am looking forward to not getting idlis and aloo-paratha on demand. I am looking forward to not going to office. I know it can be really tough living with the person with whom I am going to be with for the next few months. But it's fine. She loves me. So what if she is a little irrational, she means no harm afterall. 

I know none of these things seem like great signs of 'growing up' to most of you. I am someone who was always very practical, matter-of-factly and almost always did 'the right thing'. But the wild-child used to come out with vengeance every now and then - with those crazy ass, unimaginable things I would do. That wild-child is now settling down. I am doing the right things not because they are supposedly right but because now no other way seems to exist. 

Though I really wish, hope, pray I won't smile any lesser with the wild-child dying down. 

Sporadic and not ______

It is easier to write about politics and cricket than to write about my life these days. Good sign or bad?

 

I worked out today. After really long. And I could hear the joints creaking, saying thank you. Thank you for making use of us and waking us up from this slumber after 2 full months. I am loving that pull in my thigh and the way my arm moves only in one direction. I chucked a sweaty t-shirt into the washing machine after so long. I love how I hate to have hair on my neck after a workout session. The lightness of being.

 

No, I haven't paid up at the gym yet. Because it's expensive and I am perennially broke. And no, I did not go by the beautiful lake for a run. I fear street dogs and mom fears rowdies. So it was jogging at home, stairs for the stepper, the usual crunches on the floor and a whole lot of dancing to some club music. Yes, about an hour and half of total work out. And I feel lighter. Physically and mentally.

 

I wonder what came to me today but I read some old emails and some old notes/diaries. Ok, maybe they are not so old after all. I felt damn sad for the way things, relationships and some people turned out to be. I was trying damn hard to feel some anger for those people, but unfortunately I could not move beyond sadness. Wonder why I take charge of things in such a Gandhi-an style.

 

Utopia posted the song Lucky (Jason Mraz and Colbie) on her blog and said she hasn't been lucky. (read the lyrics to get the context.) I had been lucky ones and trashed it out the window. It's excused. We were only kids then. And another time, never realized I could and should have gotten lucky. So scared I was. And so was he. Shame on us. We know how we felt. 

And now, I know why some people say they sing well. They want me to ask them to sing. But I won't. Boys singing and the after-effects have always been quite disastrous. And I know my lack of any particular fondness for Orchids (and other flowers), Violins (and other stringed instruments), late-night phone calls (and sms-es), and similar 'sweet' things ticks off some people. But I can't help it. I've faked fondness a couple of times to realize how much I end up disliking the people who make me fake it. Let's have it the other way round this time. You hate me instead. 

 

I spent about 4 hours with my GMAT books. Do you know spending time with books does not equate to studying? Seriously. It doesn't. But I am an optimist. I hope I will spend the next 2 hours doing SOMETHING constructive at least. That bitch of an exam has to be dealt with. Boredom, please come by a little later. I swear I am busy. 

Buzzzzzzzz.... again!

OMG I am DYYINNGGG to write about the usual... I could have done with an interesting climax-filled post for all the not-so-eventful events of life but I'll just cut the crap and will make do with a simple, no nonsense update. 

Dad slipped and fell off in the bathroom at some hotel room in a town where he'd gone for a few days. Dad being dad took it lightly only to realize that the rods in his arm from the accidenta couple of years ago (dreadful and nighmarish yet miraculous escape and life being given back by some strange power) had slipped a few inchess and poked his bone. He was rushed back to town and a few x-rays concluded that all the 3 rods (including the ones on his leg) had to be removed. I spent 4 days at the hospital, sleeping on the sofa and eating almost nothing. It is the toughest thing to see - parents going through all this. 

I read Utopia's latest post and went into 8X rewind into my life - all the people with gruffy voices, beautiful eyes, givers, takers and so many other people who made me wait eagerly and nervously for something. Like 10th Board results. I suddenly realized I think of all those people fondly but there is no one these days who makes me queasy in my stomach or makes me look at the phone until the battery drains out of unlocking and locking it or makes me refresh my emails every 90 seconds. Sigh....! It is so weird - when we want it, we dont get it. When we get it, we dont want it...and that's life they say. 

I am so career obsessed that I think I have lost all understanding of why actually I want that MBA from a dream school. What's painful is that my obsession is not turning out to be fruitful. I wonder how I've become such a procrastinator and a lazy bum. The morning jogs arent happening, the sitting with books isnt happening, the taking charge of life is not happening... I even know all the gyan about getting my ass down to doing things etc. But I just feel like i want to do nothing!! 

OK too much cribbing is bad for both me and the blog...so I will stop here wondering about my favorite topics - my career and the phone that no more makes me stare at it... 

Surreal

Yes, I finally know what 'Surreal' means. It was almost a turning point in my life.

 

Theoretically, Surreal means - Like a dream.

 

Surreal in reality is just that - It's bizarre and like a dream. Not because it is too good or bad to be true, but you look back in time and it is hazy, dreamy. It doesn't feel real but is undeniable all the same.

 

Surreal to me means this - It feels like a dream because I could not ever even dream of such a simple and yet piercing conversation.  45 minutes down, I only remembered traces of it. I can kill to rewind it in my mind but I cannot. I am happy because it was something worth remembering forever. So what if I don't.

 

But there was one look that will stay. We shared a moment that will last forever. The honey-eyes, spoke a million words. I feel no regret for things did not turn out some particular way. They were never meant to be any other way. 

P.S: I know I sound like I had an almost romantic encounter but that is not true. And that is where the beauty of this 'surrealism' lies.