I am bigger than the bank and better than they want to believe

It's kinda odd how many drafts I have... incomplete, heart felt drafts that I never finished and posted because I am so drained out. The paperwork, guests at home, the sense of being lost is all so overwhelming. And then there are pipe dreams which become dreamier with every passing day.

Education loan papers haven't come yet and I have 48 hours from now to leave for Hyderabad. If I dont get it, then this is what my suicide note will say - "Too bored to apply for loan elsewhere. Will try being born in a richer family than go through this shit again, so bye peeps!"

I am missing having chai at the tea stall in Santacruz, next to my office and abandoning work for hours together to gossip about everything from homosexuality to infidelity and money to drugs with my only friend in that beautiful city. My hometown feels like its hit by a disaster and is just recovering from death....I miss the Bombay buzz!

I miss rummaging in my bag for a pack of milds and the matchbox. I miss the light-headed feeling after 2 drags and how the smoke takes some of the crap off my head through my lungs. After a couple of wreckless months, I am clean for about a month now and except for the occasional craving, I am good.

I slapped someone very 'random' in my dream. I don't know where it resurfaced in my memory after almost a year, and that too at a subconscious level, but it suddenly felt  like there was a closure. Ah what a moment that was, so what if it was a dream! That slap which I can replay in mind in slow motion and savour as many times as I want... aah what an orgasmic feeling! I woke up smiling and feeling victoroius.

On second thoughts, what a loser I am to not have done this feat in real life... anyway!

I am suddenly lost after typing all this. But I am determined not to save to drafts but to publish post instead.

And yes, I am better than they can imagine. Ever.