I am bigger than the bank and better than they want to believe

It's kinda odd how many drafts I have... incomplete, heart felt drafts that I never finished and posted because I am so drained out. The paperwork, guests at home, the sense of being lost is all so overwhelming. And then there are pipe dreams which become dreamier with every passing day.

Education loan papers haven't come yet and I have 48 hours from now to leave for Hyderabad. If I dont get it, then this is what my suicide note will say - "Too bored to apply for loan elsewhere. Will try being born in a richer family than go through this shit again, so bye peeps!"

I am missing having chai at the tea stall in Santacruz, next to my office and abandoning work for hours together to gossip about everything from homosexuality to infidelity and money to drugs with my only friend in that beautiful city. My hometown feels like its hit by a disaster and is just recovering from death....I miss the Bombay buzz!

I miss rummaging in my bag for a pack of milds and the matchbox. I miss the light-headed feeling after 2 drags and how the smoke takes some of the crap off my head through my lungs. After a couple of wreckless months, I am clean for about a month now and except for the occasional craving, I am good.

I slapped someone very 'random' in my dream. I don't know where it resurfaced in my memory after almost a year, and that too at a subconscious level, but it suddenly felt  like there was a closure. Ah what a moment that was, so what if it was a dream! That slap which I can replay in mind in slow motion and savour as many times as I want... aah what an orgasmic feeling! I woke up smiling and feeling victoroius.

On second thoughts, what a loser I am to not have done this feat in real life... anyway!

I am suddenly lost after typing all this. But I am determined not to save to drafts but to publish post instead.

And yes, I am better than they can imagine. Ever.

And wishes come true :)

Dint I tell you my life has reached a period of legendary weekends?

So after all those months of GMAT, switching jobs, staying up all night to write essays, pestering ex-bosses to write recommendations, I finally have heard from the 1st college that I had applied to. And I have heard on the affirmative! Yes, I am joining ISB Class of 2011 on April 12 :)

So it is back to Hyderabad for me now. Yes, the stale Hyderabad but I am not complaining. It's new people, new campus, some old friends and a year of frolic.

So blogging will either increase a lot or decrease a lot! Tomorrow (hopefully) is my last day at work. It's then back home to arrange the monies and eat some awesome food and go for long walks by the beach with mom. And then shop for college.

Hyderabad, get ready - your lucky charm is back ;-)

P.S: Ya Ive chucked my American dream. At least for the moment.

A memory is what is left when something happens and does not completely unhappen.

Happy New Year peeps!!!

I've been meaning to write for a while now but there has been no happy thing to write about. I wanted my 1st post of 2010 to be a happy one and if you see my blogger drafts for the last 20 odd days - you'd feel so bad for me. I churned out some semi-finished depression filled posts. I've been going through this endless process of submitting applications, staying up all night and working at office (a thankless bitch of a place!) This kinda schedule leaves little or no time for basics like food and sleep, forget blogging.

Anyway, cribs apart, I've been listening to some very cute telugu music (trying to read up lyrics and wondering what the mumble-jumble of vowels is all about! hell yes, its my mother tongue but still!) and anything telugu brings only 1 memory to my mind. No, not mom's weekly routine of sambar rice. It reminds me of my 2.5 years at Hyderabad. Those 2.5 yrs which gave me my budds for a good memory and a zillion other things for a bad memory. I hated the first breeze of that place when I landed there. I hated where my hotel was. I hated the locality where I moved in. I hated those malls that stocked piles of tasteless clothes. I hated those movie theatres which almost never played good movies and when they did, there'd be no tickets available. I hated the streets where people spat paan on your pants. I hated those mindless flyovers running from somewhere to nowhere and from nowhere to yet another nowhere - clogging traffic and making you sick of looking at tasteless buildings lined next to each other for 10s of kilometers. I hated the night clubs - they were a hangout zone for a bunch of rich wannabes figuring out how a mojito is different from a long island iced tea. I hated how the only bearable place in the face of hyd, a quaint little cafe at jubilee rd no. 36, called my cafe latte turned into a monstrous and ugly and loud coffee bar. When it was small, we spent every weekend for 6 months at the cafe, talking to the waiter in marathi and buying classic milds for the weekend at the pan shop next to it.

We spent countless hours at those bad malls, on those crowded flyovers, in those bad cafe coffee days and baristas, stood in those long queues for movies, walked on those risky bylanes, went to those bad clubs with bad music and terrible crowd and shook a leg, got fooled by half of the town, spoke endlessly about mindless topics like love and past, sat at home out of frustration, downed zillions of litres of tea, coffee, read books, slept, sat and did nothing, went to spas for massage and ate bad sandwiches thereafter for hundreds of rupees.

Me and budds were eager to leave Hyd the day we went there until the day we left. But why am I not surprised that cute telugu songs bring back memories of hyderabad, not in a bad taste, but in a tone of reminiscence? That's because we spent every day at Hyd telling ourselves - these are the best days of our life, no matter how fucked up they are, they are good because we are together. To have fun, to crib, bitch, to get wasted, to do nothing and to do everything.

And boy were we right!

Good girls go to heaven. Bad girls work at ad agencies.

Good girls become iBankers. Bad girls work for ad agencies. Good girls are the ambitious types.

Good girls become Chartered Accountants. Bad girls work for ad agencies. Good girls are the studious types.

Good girls become doctors. Bad girls work for ad agencies. Good girls are the respectable types.

Good girls get proposed 3 times in their life. Bad girls work for ad agencies. Good girls have a dearth of desperate men around them.

Good girls have a life. Bad girls work for agencies. Good girls have office timings on the lines of 9-5.

Good girls dress up. Bad girls work for agencies. Good girls have the time and motivation to dress up.

Good girls eat healthy food. Bad girls work for ad agencies. Good girls don't believe in alcoholism.

Good girls don't have bronchitis. Bad girls work for ad agencies. Good girls don't know how to light a cigarette.

Good girls sleep on time. Bad girls work for ad agencies. Good girls don't stay up all night for TVCs.

Good girls wear deodorant. Bad girls work for ad agencies. Good girls don't know how perfumes are different.

Good girls do the right things. Bad girls work for ad agencies. Good girls don't know how to live it up.

Good girls go to heaven. Bad girls go everywhere ;-)

New Year, New Decade, New URL.

It's that time of the year when we sum up the last 12 months. But end of 2009 marks the end of a decade too. I see newspapers, magazines, tv channels etc summing up a decade of the nation, economy, politics and the world in general. And my life is also quite eventful, at least eventful enough to command a decade-wrap post on my own blog!

Before I begin my looong never ending post, I'll just explain why I changed my URL - cuz when I started writing a year and half ago, 'whatjinuwants' made sense. Now it doesn't. I now feel like a rover in the head. It will change again when I stop feeling like something else, I guess. :)

2000-2009 saw me pass high school, graduate, meet some amazing people, work at amazing places and with some awesome colleagues, plan life, figure out who I am, what makes me happy and what troubles me a lot. I found lovers, best friends, lifelines, boyfriends. Life sorted me out in a lot of ways and confused me in some other ways. I moved from being torn apart about one thing to another. I inculcated virtues and adapted vices. I lied, got lied to, I did not cheat but got cheated. I realized life is not always fair but it all evens out in the end. I learnt how to follow my heart, retain dignity, look beyond the trivial and be happy. Just happy. With or without it. Whatever that 'it' is.

I made plans and I failed plans. I cried less and I did not hate anyone. I went on to be more laid-back, less focused and found peace in being direction less. I experimented with loads of things

I learnt what being rooted means and why blood ties are so beautiful. I learnt that only a mother's love is unconditional. I realized how I hate waking up in a room with more than 2 other people. I learnt cheating is a need and not all acid tests are meant to be passed. I realized everyone has a reason for doing what one does. I learnt how to give benefit of doubt.

What I did not learn was coding, mountaineering, giving myself enough time, saying a firm no and swimming. I did not learn how to get better at a debate and how to talk less.

The new decade brings with it some promises and some fears. I will go for higher education - don't know where and when. I might just find myself a soul-mate or a companion for life and if I am plain unlucky, a husband - just that. I will enter the 25th year of life and will look at exploring life more - a lot more. In a nutshell, I've had a great decade with few mishaps and some tremendous experiences.

If there is one thing I have to take away from this decade to the next, it'll be just one lesson - That everything happens for a reason. A good reason.

Half of my heart.

There are these days when reality comes, slaps your face, pulls your hair, screams into your ears and says - Face it!

That happened to me last evening. I finally came to terms with Gayatri leaving. For a while I've been avoiding talking about Gayathri's saga of India exit. I avoided it when she said she's leaving. I avoided it when I went to meet her one last time in Pune and I completely ran away from it by not going to the airport to see her off.

I've been telling myself, she's just around the corner, Dubai is a neighboring country etc. I spoke to the girls about her, thought I'd go see her in Jan and what not.

But it struck when I was finalizing my weekend visit to Poona. Damn. No Gayatri?! It was almost like coming out of denial. And then our conversation last evening - where we realized it doesn't seem like too long ago when we went to college and did nothing but eat, drink and make merry. Quite literally. The lack of money and commitment and responsibilities was awesome. But we did own up to our share of hard work after those 5yrs. And we did a great job. Today we are all so settled and unsettled at the same time.

We feel distant from each other and so close at the same time. We lack time but we could do with fewer hours in a day. We like the freedom and yet we are not very sure as to how free we are. We want to find someone permanent in life and yet feel so jittery about settling down. We want to act like crack-heads but we know we can't. It's beyond us. We are young but not young enough. Old but not old enough. And I don't want to term it quarter-life crisis. Don't ask me why.

This crisis seems so bad only because in the last 4 years we could have done with a few hours over the weekend at the coffee shop and could've continued being who we are. At least for a couple of hours a week.

I now feel how being present in spirit is actually a lie. No matter how much one means it, physical presence is just something else. We have metamorphosed into different people. And the change was necessary. But without each other?

Gayatri, I'd have loved to be a part of your change. I'd have loved you to be a part of my change.

I'd have loved to see you while you said what you said to me and I'd have loved to tell you little details of crazy things I hear everyday. I'd love to ask you to pick me up and I'd love to give you company in queues at the court, at the bank. I'd love to re-live those 5 years at the cost of the next 5 years. But does life give us too many options?

I am teary eyed in a long time. Gayathri with an H, I really never knew I'd miss you so bad.

Half of my heart is you Gayu. I love you.

The greatest risk in life is not taking one.

…and I've taken mine. Again.

I wonder if life is indeed this unpredictable or is it just me. I think it's just me. If I were to put a timestamp against last evening's events, I'd say I traveled from North pole to South Pole in a span of 30 mins - FLAT.

I moved from being complacent to irritated to happy to scared to insecure to i-don’t-care to I'm-done in a matter of 3 - 4 weeks. I know it looks damn unbecoming of a 24 yr old to go through all this on some important/practical aspects of life. I learnt that marriage is not like buying vegetables. If you do that, you indeed end up buying yourself a vegetable. If you want to buy something that's not a vegetable, then you can't buy it - because it is NOT a vegetable! If you end up (like me) being able to actually buy a diamond at the pretext of buying a vegetable, then you are wasting a gem. Do yourself a favor and let go.

I am not any more grown up after this saga but in fact I have come to terms with the fact that I am far from being grown up. Just as I learnt the meaning of Surreal a few months ago, I learnt the meaning of Commitment-Phobia yesterday. I chickened out exactly at the time when any other girl would be swept off her feet. I am scared of getting swept-off. I like being grounded. That's my comfort zone.

I feel the same way I felt twice (or maybe thrice) earlier in my life - Light. So light. And yet again, I know that only truth can get you peace. Mince words and you are fucked. Speak your heart out and people appreciate it. At least my friends did. They are shocked and relieved at the same time.

I think past, future, love, companionship and practicality are so overrated. I have made peace with my career plans, my instability of head and heart, my juvenile behavior at inappropriate times and who I am in general. Now life will take its own course.

They say 'Choose your own fate, else someone else will choose it for you.'

I choose to choose my own fate.

Reality Check

Let's face it. Every girl has a conversation with her chic friends about 'the dream boy.' And the answers are always quite idealistic. Typically there are 4 broad categories of answers-

'Ok he HAS to be fun, outgoing, shouldn't take things to seriously, and is chilled out.'

'Ok he HAS to be rich, I am so used to my fancy cars man… I can never do without them!'

Ok he should be a simple, intellectual, smiling face, pleasant guy.'

'Dude he's gotta be good looking man.. I want beautiful babies :P'

… and it goes on.

I have also given some crazy answers depending on what frame of mind I was in. In fact I gave different answers at bookshops, coffee shops, pubs, rock shows, office, home etc. Now that I am faced with a real life situation, I am stumped. I want a bit of everything I said and I want nothing of most things I said. I am doubting my own conviction of a lot of things. I have realized I don't know what is important for me.

If I were to define who I am, it won't be more than my credentials. Some deep dive and I see that I am nothing more than my past. A past that I never planned, never asked for. A past that I love and a past that I don't think could have been any other way. And today I am trying to predict my future based on my past. I am trying to create a future. I am convincing myself that I can be a little different from what I have so far been. But how true is that? I always said I want someone who lets me be who I am. But do I want to continue being who I am? What AM I anyway? If only I knew!

I wish everything was as easy as making friends. Where we start without inhibitions, expectations and pretence. Where there is no point to prove and there is no debate of right or wrong. Where we know the other person not by asking questions but by watching them.

And then there is the love. I think experiences are not such a great tool after all. Wonder where love fits in the mesh of practicality, companionship, dependence, independence and life in general. I think that zone where discomfort becomes a habit and comfort is taken for granted is called love.

… just when I was wondering whether or not to end this post and how, my iPod shuffles and brings me to this song -

Hold on to whatever you find baby, hold on to whatever will get you through… I don't trust myself with loving you...

Mumbai meri jaan

So here I am, in Bombay - after a 3 day vacation with the girls which cost me 1200 INR, all inclusive :)

A new job, a few new friends and just 1 expectation from the city, like I always have from every city I go to. I only expect the place to love me and give me a memorable time. And all places I've been to have given me more than I hoped. Bombay is going to be different.

People who know me, know that I am impulsive. I wake up at 2 in the night and make my friends visit me. I get out of office on a Tuesday afternoon and take the rest of the week off. I love mindlessly and I live mindlessly. I've always lived in my space which has quite literally been mine. Trying to tell me what I need to do is fruitless. I will do my own thing no matter what it takes. A free bird that you see on TV shows - was me for the last 9 years.

Now in a city like Bombay where you work hard and party harder, I stay in the other end of the town with my brother. I travel for 4 hours a day and I can't do late nights. I come back home to a noisy house with 2 kids. I have nothing against little children but they are just not my thing. I can't pack my bags and go to Hyd to see my best friend or even Poona for that matter to meet the girls. This 3-day weekend was one of the dullest I've had in years, with nowhere to go.

Don't ask me why I do not move out. Because I cannot. Cons of closely knit families. I feel guilty even as I type this post but it isnt my bad if I am way different from everybody else in my blood-ties. I can't live like this. But I am. That's life I guess.

(I had thought of a million other interesting things to write about but sometimes blogs get the worst of me... so this insipid personal-diary-ish stupid post. Excuse me if you were terribly bored or dozed off midway through.)

Saki sharaab peene de masjid mein baith kar ya fir koi aisi jagah bata jahaan khuda nahi!

3 girls went drinking - Sex Kitten (Amu), Foxy (me) and Mango Dolly (Nidhi.) Savita Bhabhi (Pri) was busy working.

Nidhi ab Khulla Saandh hai..rather khulli gaay hai.

We want some more alcohol. Drunkennes is cool when you just broke up or when you just got a new job. Or even when yu got fired.

Closing track for the day - Kitthe chali hai Gobi Da fool banke kudiye badami rangiye!

We shall try to arrange some more alcohol and entertain you some more.

Joe Felix is the man! Kambakht ishq. Waise toh D is also the man.

Itta likh....utta likh....Muthalikh. Hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha...

South mein free fund mein 'H' milte hain...'Muthalikh, kavit'h'a, savit'h'a, d'h'al, khamb'h'a, kutt'h'e....ethe, uthe, kithe!

We have a cosmic conn bee.

We also have some Ginn for doing some shots.

Paapi saraab pi saitaan ke dil mein baith kar, waha khuda nahi! (waha extreme sports bar hai!)

End of a chapter.

I have taken pride in saying I am a healthy mix of a South Indian and a North Indian. No I am not a mixed breed child but I am a South Indian by descent and a North Indian at heart, cuz that's where I grew up. I have the best of both worlds, is what I'd always say to people. That's thanks to my dad moving to central India 30 years ago. I stayed in all parts of the country - east, west, north, south - but home was always the Hindi land.

Today my parents are moving out of North of India and moving down south, closer to their brothers and sisters. Yes, me and my sister now have a world of our own and my parents are growing old. They feel the need to be closer to our blood ties. My heart aches at the thought of not being able to go back to those towns which I called home in the last 24 years.

They say you never really leave a place or person you love, part of them you take with you , leaving a part of yourself behind.

I'd love to write a few beautiful lines about all those small and big towns where I grew up but I think I am just too overwhelmed to be able to write. All I'd say is I will miss the hospitality, the easy-go attitude, all that amazing food, the colors in the fields and in the local markets. I will miss talking in Hindi like it were my mother tongue and I will miss the local festivals. I will miss the LML Scooters and I will miss the biting cold winters and scorching summers.

I will miss home.

Who will fix this mess?

Encore. Life on rewind-repeat. Once bitten, twice shy.

They are all for me.

Something that happened last year around the same time, is happening again. That incident changed me forever. I look back and think I wish I could still be as carefree, I wish I did not doubt everyone who sends me an email after a long break and I wish I did not twitch at sms-es from familiar strangers.

I wish I could trust as easily and talk without inhibitions.

A year is a long time. A long time to change a person - for better or for worse, only time will tell. But what I already know is that the me a year ago was a better person than the me I now am - a cynical bitch.

I don't say 'sink or swim, I am diving in' to myself anymore. I am just too scared to hit the bottom again. And some people are blissfully unaware of the damage that I am left to repair.

Who will fix this mess? Or at least help me believe that it is not so bad after all.

Or is it?

Lost now and lost forever.

PP asked me to write something, anything - as a reply to my last post. And considering she is one of my favorite people in blogosphere, an obedient friend, a nice and clean soul, a listener when I need to talk, shares my crazy dreams and above all laughs on my silly jokes - I would honor her request. This post is from my diary. Just a copy-paste from MS OneNote to Blogger. I wrote it in January on my way to Delhi from Bhopal to attend a friend's wedding.

I'm travelling alone after what seems like eternity. An A/C Chair car - a 7 hour journey in a 5-star coach. Feels like my 12 hour flight to London. What mixed feelings they were... Excited for the destination but the journey was spent creating boring PPTs in a claustrophobic BA flight...sigh!

I have a window seat and as I sat I sighed a loud sigh of relief... the kinds they show in movies - a distressed corporate woman finally on her 3 day annual vacation. I looked out of the huge windows as the train moved out of Bhopal into beautiful yellow mustard fields. After 5 mins I realized I was drifting into not so pleasant thoughts of my recent past. I told myself - "Remember what your boss told you today? You've earned this holiday. So stop thinking of stupid things and enjoy this. Can't you see it is so pretty?"

As always I started drawing analogies. The fields outside were so beautiful but they were beautiful from a distance. Just seeing those farmers toil in the hot sun (which added to the beauty of the fields) was so distressing. I then thought there are so many bittersweet things in life which are like that - we wanna be there, have that. For example be rich with all the money which comes with all the hours, days and years of hard work or being in love which we all want to but only know how difficult it is once we are in it.

But that's the deal - Does it keep us happy in the long run to be shut in the suffocating comfort of a 2X3 Airconditioned coach and look out of the window like we were jailed or do we want to toil it and make those beautiful yellow fields ourselves....?

And I jerked back to reality when I was offered some piping hot coffee. I went to the loo and experienced that dreadful sucction/vaccuum flush again. There is nothing I hate as much as the noise they make. That's a big reason why I hate long distance flights. Those sounds.. damn!

I came back to my seat and decided to sleep for that's the only way to rejuvenate after 3 professionally and personally difficult months.

And sleep cheated me this time.

Buzzzz....

Ladakh calling - in July. Yes Myulee, we will go. My family has a thing against me being adventurous. Irrespective of the fact that they've been there done that and have always come out of adventures, being happy and fine! Never mind, I've done far too many things in life because I wanted to do them, not getting deterred by their 'we'll save you from everything forever.' Ladakh is just drop in the ocean.

 

Cousins coming over. Preparing myself for the quintessential family debate - with me on one side trying to explain I will do what I want to do as and when I want to do it - and with family on the other side trying to convince me that life is a battle against time - and so I should make the most of today. (And the topic will eventually shift to - 'make the most' in whose terms? Theirs or mine? And I will be told I am faffing around to compensate for the lack of focus and direction in life.) Damn, even the thought tires me out. Wonder how I will go through the drill. Sigh!

 

Twinnie will be missed. My vent when deepest fears are turning ugly, my motivation machine when I need to hear - "Girl, I am telling you - when this plastic bubble breaks - you are gonna have it all. It is just a matter of time before you had the dream college and that one person who loves you for who you are." And I will miss the instant second line - "Look at everyone man! They are all set! And you and me will be forever sitting at Hard Rock café sipping sweet lime and smoking cigarettes." hahah. Yes girl, I will miss you.

 

And what is already missed is someone with wolf-like capacity to read, clarity of thoughts (or maybe the lack of it) and certain special moments. But happiness is transitionary and has to be cherished for its worth - not to be looked back at bring the sulking out. So I am at peace with what I had and what I don't have. 

Breakin' the habit.

We went to Mysore yesterday. With my uncle, aunt, and 2 little cousins. We visited a few temples en route and I experienced a divine moment. We reached this really old temple at about 1:15 in the afternoon just while they were shutting the door. It was a typical huge wooden door that take 5 people to push it to shut. We ran and just made our way in. It was almost as if God wanted us to visit and so we made it. The moment has stayed with me - running the last 20 meters to make it inside. It was so figurative and metaphorical of my present state of mind and life. I can relate the shutting door and running me to so many things. 

There was also something else I learnt yesterday. Enjoying whatever is there is so important. I have grown up to be a typical 20 something who has very rigid ways of enjoyment and vacation. At other times, I would only enjoy a vacation when 

a. it was not too tightly scheduled. 

b. It did not include kids. 

c. It was to an exotic location (mountains, water body, forests, calm and quiet etc.) 

d. I had my iPod and my music to go with it. 

e. I had my bandana to make sure my hair was not all over my face. 

And a whole lot of other things. 

Yesterday was none of those. There were 2 kids with us - 1 a cranky 10 yr old and another exceptionally quiet teenager with her typical teenage whims (I wont walk, I wont eat this, wont do this, that etc.) I did not have my bandana and I could not plug my iPod since it would have been rude. We were subjected to Udit Narayan's telugu songs and when we insisted on Hindi music we had to listen to tracks of 'Partner' on repeat. But I still enjoyed myself. I was happy chit chatting with my aunt about random family members, letting my hair go haywire with the wind and the ocassional rain that made things worse in a cramped up car. I did not mind untying my shoe laces a zillion times at different temples. And I did not mind eating some stupid food for lunch. 

I did not crib at Mysore palace considering I HATE crowded places (minus pubs) with a vengeance. I did not mind not being able to buy mineral water due to lack of availability. We also went to Vrindavan Gardens (the most screwed up tourist destination ever. My uncle went and gave a piece of his mind to the authorities there for the sheer mismanagement and for the lack of anything interesting to see!) and I can safely say I lived through the terrible experience with grace and was in fact able to control my teenage cousin from losing it out there. 

As we got home it was well past mid night and I was not irritated to open the lock to the house by myself (I don't like coming home to an empty house.) I wanted to wear some shorts or such other meagre clothes but then again I could not. (Yeah, some jazz about refraining from such clothes when there are elders at home.) And guess what! I did not mind wearing a round neck tee which was almost strangulating me! I had to sleep on the floor since all the beds were occupied. My body was hurting with the long hours of travel. But I still slept peacefully. I was still not irritated! 

 I don't like waking up surrounded by people (1 or 2 - fine. Not 8.) When I woke up this morning I saw 4 pairs of feet around me. 4 people were trying to find something in a bag. Typical me would be shooing people away since I want to be left alone and since I would not want to wake up with such random sounds. But I was ok. I quietly went (and luckily the bathroom was not occupied so I could brush my teeth.) and freshened up. 

Finally I am alone in my room (rest of the clan has again ventured somewhere out) and I am feeling contented since I finally managed breaking out of the rigid mould of what an ideal vacation, an ideal good night's sleep and an ideal morning should be like. 

After all what is ideal? 

Writer's block

The title makes me look like a self proclaimed writer, but I am guessing bloggers can go this far and call themselves writers too! Or maybe typists. haha

I've been meaning to write for such a long time but I dont have much to write except for a few updates here and there... so this is more like my buzzzz posts but not half as interesting I am sure. Anyway here goes it - 

1. My folks (who I stay with out here) have gone to Goa and considering they are the people who love me the most in this world (of course after my parents) I am sure they will get me some cool stuff! I am totally looking forward to opening packet after packet of gifts! 

2. I have changed my brand of smokes (damn I hope there is no one in my family who reads this blog. Like seriously!) Anyway I've moved to Marlboro Ultra Lights and I see it as a step towards healthier lungs :P 

3. I've been going to the gym regularly. I want to lose 4kgs before August i.e my cousin's wedding. 

4. Oh wedding reminds me there was this girl (we are distant relatives. Her and my sister were very close at one point in time) who was very keen on me tying the knot with her geek brother.He is finally getting married to someone else. Phew! Techie from DCE and an MBA from LBS, they thought was reason enough for me to wanna get hitched. But no! I am destined for a whole lot of messy relationships right? So I will hang on for a while. Hmph! 

5. I am in the city that has both my ex and prospectives and neither of them know I am here. I go into the city with a constant fear of bumping into them. Sucks. 

6. It was my budds birthday yesterday and I surprised her and all that. She seemed quite excited. So was I. I love her. :) 

7. I am damn bored, I am dying to write about the voter turn out being so low and the mishaps some of my people had to face with missing names, the IPL and other stuff in general. But I am so damn bored! 

OK I'll buzz off before I rub on the boredom peeps! 

We're only human.

I am suffering from writer's block. So publishing an old draft. I do not believe in such long posts, but since it is there, you might as well read it. :) 

She was full of life, boisterous, well above average to look at and lived in Bombay. She loved dancing, laughed like she is on dope and danced at the slightest chance she could get. She finished college and started working. She had tonnes of friends and a loving family. 

And then there was a boy. Her brother's friend. A small town boy, blessed with a very very sharp mind, extremely ambitious and had graduated from the country's elitest educational institute. She met the boy often since he had rented out the apartment that her family owned. And he was her brother's best friend. And he fell for all the things in para 1. He begged of her to marry him, she was 2 yrs older than him. She did not feel romantically attracted to him, but she dint feel that way for anyone at that point in time. So she chose the known devil instead of the one an arranged marriage would get her.

And they tied the knot. They, just ike most newly weded couples, seemed like the happiest people in the world. They shifted base to Dubai - the land of Gold - black and yellow. They minted money but missed family. And so decided it was time for him to pursue higher eductation. Not to forget the girl was doing better than the boy at work and had managed saving a lot more. 

They came back to India and he joined the country's elitest Management Institute in an uptown place in South India. She was pregnant with their first son. She lived in an apartment close to his sister's place. And he lived on campus. She was funding his higher education. 

He made new friends who took precedence over everyone and everything in his life.  There was also a girl in the new friend circle. Life's like that - a wife finds her husband's dearest chic friend as not the best thing in the world. But this girl knew she was not so petty and that she will not hate this new girl. Friends are just friends after all and she knew she had the supreme position in his life. 

But the friendship became more than just that - ot so it seemed from the many emails that Mrs. Wife bumped into. She fell sick - asthma attacks leading to steroid shots, a baby to take care of and a rocking marriage. This took 5 years of her life - straight. Sleeplessness, sickness and the baby. 

Husband and wife moved back to Bombay and so did the new girl. She even landed up a job for herself in the same organization as the boy's to add to the wife's misery.

And when she finally decided that she'd better be getting herself a new job - to keep her mind away from what's been happening and in the worst case scenario - if they were to split, she would have the means to raise her child single handedly. 

But she had sent her husband for an MBA, she was just a post-graduate and had touched number 30 as her age. Jobs weren't easy to come in Bombay. So she compromised. She started letting go of things. She shut her eyes to the obvious. She was done with arguing with her husband about what the long phone calls, emails and gifts meant. She was done with listening to the same answer - "It's nothing! She is just a friend for God's sake!" 

And the friend is now reluctantly getting married. With wife at the hosptial out of yet another ailment, the husband still decides to travel 500 miles to her wedding. Priorities. 

The wife knew her husband loved her and not the friend. But it was difficult to see it. His actions were not indicating it. May be she was thinking wishfully. She was risking it all again - she was pregnant with her second baby. And she knew with 2 children and no job, there was no looking back for her in life. She had to make peace with herself. And with her husband's friend. She knew she was jealous and reading too much between the lines. But she couldn't help it. She was but human. 

* This is a true story. The friend' marriage, they say, has not consummated. The wife is busy putting a smiling facade and taking care of 2 lovely boys. The husband, now a father, beams with pride each time he sees his sons and seems to thank his wife each time he looks at her - for being such a stoic through 8 years. 

But what is happiness except the simple harmony between a man and the life he leads?

Guess what?! I watched TV today... like not news, but other entertainment channels. (Indian politics and other news items are also entertaining, not denying it.) These are my observations from the minute I switched on the TV - 

1. TATA Sky is awesome. I mean digital TV is better than cable TV. We've had digital TV for the last many years (since it was launched in India) but I think today was when I actually watched TV with like loads of attention. It makes the 'surfing' and the viewing experience so much better. 

2. There is no dance show like Boogie Woogie. It's been there since I was in school, like 4th Std or something. Off late there have been shows like Nach Baliye, Jhalak Dikhlaja, Dance India Dance and what not. They are these melodramatic shows with little or no real talent. But boy the talent Boogie Woogie contestants have, it is crazy. I watched it today again and the way Javed, Naved conduct the show is plain, simple and nice. 

3. It is bloody IPL time!!! Are my esteemed readers aware that I am this crazy cricket fanatic!? Yes I can even watch test matches, 5 days at a row with not necessarily India featuring in it. And I feel SO damn guilty that I still don't know the IPL team composition. :( My Sunday schedule is to figure out which team has which players and choose my team. (Since I am more of an Indian than a Punjabi, Hyderabadi or a Delhiite, I will choose my team totally bias-free)

Ok now beyond TV - 

I am damn happy today, for no particular reason. :))) Yes, I am all smiles! I have a few movies that I can watch tonight and some kickass books lined up for my reading pleasure. I am all set to pack my bags and to go awayyy! (I am not thinking of the other not-so-pleasant things which I have no control over.) 

Aren't ya'll happy for me? :) 

Sending loads and loads of hugs and kisses for allll of you who need it. :)

* Oh btw, I have put on weight. Not being sad (decided not to) but just letting you know. Will go for a run from Wednesday onwards. And will start gyming from April 10th. OK Tata ByeBye.

Buzzzzzzzz.....

I had to write. There is no other way out. There are just tooooo many thoughts out there.

 

1. 1. I don’t want to talk to anyone. Nor do I want to listen.  I will not answer phone calls, fine. But how do I tell my folks at home? They look forward to me coming home so that they can talk and hear me talk. Sigh! But I am so glad I am up here in my room for the next 8 hours.

 

2. 2. I can't wait to go away, now that I know I am going away. And it is upsetting to see mom so upset about it. She ain't saying it loud but drops these rather loud hints. Their insecurity is killing me. They feel I'll never be with them again. Eight damn years I stayed away and 8 months suddenly make them so miserable? They talk things like - "us oldies of the family should settle down in one place." Hell it makes me feel as if they are all gonna build themselves a freakin old age home!

 

I don’t know about uncles and aunts but my parents sure deserve better. And me and sister are more than clear about it. Mom still hasn’t lived her dream of wearing nice frocks with a hat and walking on the streets of London on a sunny day. How can she even TALK about that stupid old age home setting! Disgusts me.

 

3. 3. Everyone in my family (even distant relatives)  is killing himself/herself (and me in the process) over  my B-school. I wonder why they are obsessing so much. I wanted to do the damn MBA because I thought what they teach out there is fab if you went to the right place. Precisely why all the struggle to go to that damn Harvard. But now I've started feeling/behaving like a stubborn child who doesn't want to do something because everyone else is insisting.

 

Hell, why can't people tell me that I should do what I want to. Why do they start the sentence with -" I want you to…."  To hell with what you want!

 

4. 4. Good things that happen in a day help us live with the not-so-good things. Every stage of my life I have come across someone who is very much like me. Like really very much. And this person has just appeared from nowhere, clicked in one go and stayed forever or for really long in my life. It has happened again. Utopia she is. My blogger twin. Our wavelengths (read: embarrassing stories and weird minds) matched and we confided in each other quite a bit right on our 2nd chat. We haven't met yet and I already feel awesome about her. Welcome to my life,  girl. Hope you are here to stay! And yes, I'll see you in April.

 

       5.  My company is broke. Momentarily. And the auspicious moment happens to be the time I am also quitting! They owe me about a lakh of rupees. And I have no idea if they will clear my dues this 31st (my last day!) or not. As you all know I am being shipped to a secret location. But hell, the secret location is this expensive tier 1 city of India. Damn I need the freakin dough! 

Yes there's dad but come on! It is weird to just keep taking non-stop. He is not a very rich man. It is kinda strange but for the first time I am feeling crushed because of finances. I've seen more than enough financial crunches but never felt so disheartened and never have I been upset for days over it. May be it is the 6 figure that's making it difficult. God please, I need you to intervene.

 

Thanks guys, for putting up with this insipid post about my insipid life.

 I sound like such a cry baby. Shit. 

Growing up is a process. Not an event.

Ok so it seems I am growing up... or is old the word? Ok no, I am growing up. 

I can feel the change in me. I no more want to wear my t-shirts with those skulls drawn on them and stupid wise-cracks. Those denims cut into half and those crazy cargo pants are all gone now. I have moved to wearing simpler tees, I am no more wearing shorts and parading around the town. I wear nice striped and buttoned shirts to work. I enjoy wearing those pretty kurtas and nice churidars. Make me feel like a girl. I like it I think. :) 

I do not melt as rapidly anymore. I know late night phone calls don't always mean something. I do not approve of things I cannot live with. For ex. Someone is a bad listener but otherwise sweet? To hell with you - good listener is top 3 in my list of criteria. And I am addressing my needs and not compromising anymore. 

I am more aware of the fact that my parents are growing old. Daddy is daddy and not Rambo. They need to and want to be closer to their siblings. I won't fuss around about not being in the North. Let them be where they find peace. I am also in terms with the compromises that I will have to make as I settle down. Settling down itself will be a compromise for a compulsive nomad like me. But I will. For the love of parents. They will eventually need to be taken care of. 

I am not anti-discipline anymore. On second thoughts, I never was. But I am not fussy about restrictions and deadlines any more. Some age old rules like don't be out all alone until too late in the night and don't spend forever over the fone suddenly seem to be making sense. Or maybe because I know that these are probably my last 2 weeks with parents for a really really long time. So I am ready to live with all this. 

I still like my rock music and I still wear my iPod around my neck 24/7. I still haven't gotten rid of my fettish for crazy bags and footwear. But I think it's fine. I still miss my friends like crazy. (which should now reduce. Sooner the better.)

I am looking forward to making my coffee myself and toasting my bread myself. I am looking forward to not getting idlis and aloo-paratha on demand. I am looking forward to not going to office. I know it can be really tough living with the person with whom I am going to be with for the next few months. But it's fine. She loves me. So what if she is a little irrational, she means no harm afterall. 

I know none of these things seem like great signs of 'growing up' to most of you. I am someone who was always very practical, matter-of-factly and almost always did 'the right thing'. But the wild-child used to come out with vengeance every now and then - with those crazy ass, unimaginable things I would do. That wild-child is now settling down. I am doing the right things not because they are supposedly right but because now no other way seems to exist. 

Though I really wish, hope, pray I won't smile any lesser with the wild-child dying down.