Self Evaluation

I rated myself on a scale of ten and gave myself a big L. Yes, L for Loser – on a scale of ten it is equivalent to an L. haha nonsense, I know. But what the hell, life is also such non-sense. This whole now-what feeling is so horrid. I’ve lived my life in ‘what-nexts’ and so these frustrating ‘now-whats’ are rather rare events and weigh me down heavily. There have been primary what-nexts like wanting to move cities to interim what-nexts like how to make the next week, month, quarter exciting.

So let’s trace back to the year 1999, yes 12 years back. All I wanted was to get out of home and live by myself in a hostel in a new city and study. Year 2000 and I was off, living by myself from draft-to-draft (yes, bank drafts of Rs 3500 that dad used to send every month) and making new friends and going to new places and trying some new alcohol every time I could. Of course, the necessities and comforts like food, clothing, shelter, scooters, restaurant food were provided for by dad but the luxuries like Fosters beer (and eventually KF and then Smirnoff and then Absolut) were provided for by sister’s part-time job salary. The girls made the ‘what-nexts’ exciting from 2000-2005. Damn those five years of incredible youth! There were many cheap thrills in my list of what-nexts which gave rise to vices like ‘many-readers-know-what.’ Of course there was this ‘has-to-be-done’ part which was score decent enough grades so as to continue being a nomad. Then there were unaccounted-for occurrences like boyfriends and heart breaks followed by an immense sense of liberation which also motivated certain further ‘what-nexts’ like higher studies or jobs. Of course, the jobs happened and so happened Hyderabad and happened another, raise-the-bar (bar - literally and figuratively) BFF. This was also coupled with many interim ‘what-nexts’ like foreign visits and promotions and awards and crushes. And then came the major ‘what-next’ of I cant stand this life anymore so let’s figure it out. Then there was home and then Bangalore and then Bombay and the agency life. Then the ‘what-next’ took me to school and I had the wonderful last year – none of which has been documented but is etched in my memory forever. The interim ‘what-nexts’ in the last one year were quite arbit and ranged from ‘should I take up a job again’ to ‘what do I wear for the Nth party tonight’ to ‘wtf will happen if I don’t submit this damn assignment.’

Ok let’s not get carried away - the biggest ‘what-next’ of my life was – Do I marry this guy who is just so awesome but will completely uproot my perfect world of the perfect job and the perfect salary and the perfect bank balance to buy dad the perfect car and push my perfectly carved near future to another century. I decided to make the plunge and let go of the perfection. Clearly, I was (and am) in love. Which rational girl would otherwise decide to move to a new country with a man she’s met for all of 10 days and to stay jobless for months and be willing to cook for him and live with him and be his wife? So, scary as it may sound, I am anxious but not worried about the future has in store for me. My ‘what-next’ these days is about buying the perfect sarees and perfect jewelry and everything else that is perfectly within the budget. What an impossible ‘what-next’...sigh!

OK then why did I give myself a big L again? Because there is this eternal frustration of feeling like a sub-optimal character that does nothing all day but eats, sleeps and hopes to lose weight after all the dal-rice and mangoes. There is the frustration of not using grey cells and wanting to use this time discussing interesting articles from HBR or working on a business-idea (No, there is none.) But the biggest reason I’ve given myself an L is because I can’t believe my list of ‘what nexts’ has turned out to be so lame. Shopping for wedding? Really? Job hunting in the US sitting here is a futile attempt. Of course ‘that perfect job’ is on my list and ‘that beautiful life of eating a sandwich with him under the golden gate’ is also on the list. But time just doesn’t seem to move. Nothing seems to move. No ‘what next’ can come true if time moves at this pace.

So, where were we, again?

Twenty Five and Counting.

I always wanted a cake-less birthday. I always wanted a birthday without friends yelling for 24 hours straight and shoving alcohol down my throat and buying me flowers, gifts, balloons. I always wanted one birthday where I sleep until late in the morning, don't go anywhere out and read a lot. My 25th birthday is a landmark day for me. So what if I dont have any of the things I wanted to have on this day, but at least I willed silence hard enough to get some peace of mind through the day and 3 hours of absolute solitude in the night. It was nice to spend an hour over the phone having mindless conversation with someone just as mindless as me.

I gifted myself an external hard disc and an anti-virus. I did a quiet dinner with family. At the tick of 12 marking the end of that birthday, my best friend called me and I burst out laughing. 7 straight years and he still thinks it is on the 7th, not 6th.

I have always been quite excited about growing up. I still am. I like the way it makes me rigid and how I fight that rigidity. I like the way it makes me look forward to bigger, better, more elusive things in life. Growing up is a mystery that gets only more complex as time moves. It never simplifies the puzzle. And that's where the fun is. Growing up is not boring. It is difficult at times, yes, but there has never been a dull day in this process.

Of course, there is the painful drill of birthdays where you do an (un)reality check and assess what your net assets and net liabilities are. The balance sheet never tallies and the profits are not evident and you only hope you will see them in another 2 years. Birthdays are a sorry reminder of what you are not and what you don't have and a mocking solace of all the trivial things you've managed to stumble up on, carefully picked up and made them look like achievements. Birthdays are a date stamp against all the goods and bads of your life. I have never understood the need to mark red-letter days anyway. One day in a year (2 when you are married) to celebrate being who you are? Now that's being fucking low on self esteem. I'd rather celebrate being who I am each time I feel close to myself, on days I want to hug myself and say 'you'r a rock star', on days I smile at no one in particular while walking on the dirty bylanes of a stinking Bombay.

I don't hate birthdays. I can't deny the fact that its a logical celebration - to celebrate the precise moment you came into being and to thank your parents for having faith in you even before you were born and bringing you in the world knowing you will live.

I wonder if at the pretext of saying birthdays are trivial, I ended up giving it too much importance in this post and in my life in general.

On a side note, February is a beautiful month of the year to be born in.

Essay - My House

I wrote this essay when I was 5. And I spoke of all that I had in my house. 4 rooms, a lawn, a car, loving parents, a sibling. On the verge of 25, I write this essay again. And I realize I don't have a house yet. I have a few places with loved ones I can call home and go live at but I don't have a house. 


I don't have a house that's devoid of noise and that feels like me. I don't have a house with a reading room - a room with wall-to-wall mattresses on the floor with shelves on 4 walls that stock books. I don't have a house with a small living room. If only I had a house it would have had pictures in solid black frames. It would be a house with plants and without fish. If I had a house it'd smell of old books and lime. The house would have no extra racks. My house wouldn't have collections of antics. If I had a house, it wouldn't have a mini-bar. This hypothetical house of mine would be a purpose driven house, not aesthetics driven. It would have sunlight that I couldn't handle. It would have 2 long chairs. Just 2. The house would feel like me and have bright colors. 


If I had a house, it would have no calendars but would have a huge wall clock. You ask why? So I'd know how many hours more I could read in the room with the wall-to-wall mattresses and how many hours before I drew the curtains. The clock would tell me when to water the plants and when to step out to smile at random people on streets. I'd sleep well before the clock strikes 12 and guess what? I wouldn't have to bother about the ticking calendar.

Year end Rover-isms!

It's a bad time to write a post, aint it? I mean people are out visiting places and here I am typing on a screen? Well, I am having such a gala time that I had to write!!

Vacation, Parents, extended family, new members in the family (cuuuute little baby girl, to be precise) loads and loads of sleep, yuuummy food, touristy trips in cramped up cars, sleeping on mattresses strewn all over the place because there are 30 people in a 5 bedroom house, waking up in the night and crossing over people's legs like you are in a refugee camp, sneaking to the terrace and talking over the phone to the girls, cracking nasty jokes and beating up brother. Now THAT is life!

Well 2 legs of my 3-leg vacation are over. One was with sister with parents and the other was extended family in remote parts of India. It has been so awesome so far. Now it is time to relax, unwind, shop and of course, sit peacefully and finish some writing for MBA Apps.

I sometimes think to myself I am such a list-freak. I made wishlists and some more wishlists and so many new year resolutions  and loads of other lists. I accomplish about 40% of what I say and end up doing soooo many other exciting things that I could've never imagined. Like living in 3 odd cities in 2009 and dating some menace in the name of men, for instance. And guess what, despite knowing that my listing doesnt help much, I still make loads and loads of lists. And I am ready with many more new yr resolutions. The funniest part is my lists are as lame as they can get. Like lose weight, read more, eat healthy, reduce bills etc. haha! That's pretty much my list for this year too, actually! Oh ya, since Jinu V 2.5 will be launched in Feb (yes, I turn twenty freakin five!!!) there will be many more lists to ensure I dont hit quarter life crisis and I continue feeling like a bird or a fish or a kite or a pebble or a dry leaf (yes yes all those poetic things that are supposedly free!)

Ok I've lost the point. Anyway, I was deleting sms-es from my phone today and the one person who's sms-es I cant delete is NB Her love messages can very well get me rid of annoying boyfriends. All I have to do is rename her as a guy on my phone and people will think I am married :P I lovvvve u girl! And then theres my sister. Her messages are ALWAYS asking me to say sorry! I wonder why.

Anyway, it is not a great post for 30th December of any year but I feel happy about being so happy and for having all that I have. Though I could do with the job of a florist, you see. :)

New Year, New Decade, New URL.

It's that time of the year when we sum up the last 12 months. But end of 2009 marks the end of a decade too. I see newspapers, magazines, tv channels etc summing up a decade of the nation, economy, politics and the world in general. And my life is also quite eventful, at least eventful enough to command a decade-wrap post on my own blog!

Before I begin my looong never ending post, I'll just explain why I changed my URL - cuz when I started writing a year and half ago, 'whatjinuwants' made sense. Now it doesn't. I now feel like a rover in the head. It will change again when I stop feeling like something else, I guess. :)

2000-2009 saw me pass high school, graduate, meet some amazing people, work at amazing places and with some awesome colleagues, plan life, figure out who I am, what makes me happy and what troubles me a lot. I found lovers, best friends, lifelines, boyfriends. Life sorted me out in a lot of ways and confused me in some other ways. I moved from being torn apart about one thing to another. I inculcated virtues and adapted vices. I lied, got lied to, I did not cheat but got cheated. I realized life is not always fair but it all evens out in the end. I learnt how to follow my heart, retain dignity, look beyond the trivial and be happy. Just happy. With or without it. Whatever that 'it' is.

I made plans and I failed plans. I cried less and I did not hate anyone. I went on to be more laid-back, less focused and found peace in being direction less. I experimented with loads of things

I learnt what being rooted means and why blood ties are so beautiful. I learnt that only a mother's love is unconditional. I realized how I hate waking up in a room with more than 2 other people. I learnt cheating is a need and not all acid tests are meant to be passed. I realized everyone has a reason for doing what one does. I learnt how to give benefit of doubt.

What I did not learn was coding, mountaineering, giving myself enough time, saying a firm no and swimming. I did not learn how to get better at a debate and how to talk less.

The new decade brings with it some promises and some fears. I will go for higher education - don't know where and when. I might just find myself a soul-mate or a companion for life and if I am plain unlucky, a husband - just that. I will enter the 25th year of life and will look at exploring life more - a lot more. In a nutshell, I've had a great decade with few mishaps and some tremendous experiences.

If there is one thing I have to take away from this decade to the next, it'll be just one lesson - That everything happens for a reason. A good reason.

Half of my heart.

There are these days when reality comes, slaps your face, pulls your hair, screams into your ears and says - Face it!

That happened to me last evening. I finally came to terms with Gayatri leaving. For a while I've been avoiding talking about Gayathri's saga of India exit. I avoided it when she said she's leaving. I avoided it when I went to meet her one last time in Pune and I completely ran away from it by not going to the airport to see her off.

I've been telling myself, she's just around the corner, Dubai is a neighboring country etc. I spoke to the girls about her, thought I'd go see her in Jan and what not.

But it struck when I was finalizing my weekend visit to Poona. Damn. No Gayatri?! It was almost like coming out of denial. And then our conversation last evening - where we realized it doesn't seem like too long ago when we went to college and did nothing but eat, drink and make merry. Quite literally. The lack of money and commitment and responsibilities was awesome. But we did own up to our share of hard work after those 5yrs. And we did a great job. Today we are all so settled and unsettled at the same time.

We feel distant from each other and so close at the same time. We lack time but we could do with fewer hours in a day. We like the freedom and yet we are not very sure as to how free we are. We want to find someone permanent in life and yet feel so jittery about settling down. We want to act like crack-heads but we know we can't. It's beyond us. We are young but not young enough. Old but not old enough. And I don't want to term it quarter-life crisis. Don't ask me why.

This crisis seems so bad only because in the last 4 years we could have done with a few hours over the weekend at the coffee shop and could've continued being who we are. At least for a couple of hours a week.

I now feel how being present in spirit is actually a lie. No matter how much one means it, physical presence is just something else. We have metamorphosed into different people. And the change was necessary. But without each other?

Gayatri, I'd have loved to be a part of your change. I'd have loved you to be a part of my change.

I'd have loved to see you while you said what you said to me and I'd have loved to tell you little details of crazy things I hear everyday. I'd love to ask you to pick me up and I'd love to give you company in queues at the court, at the bank. I'd love to re-live those 5 years at the cost of the next 5 years. But does life give us too many options?

I am teary eyed in a long time. Gayathri with an H, I really never knew I'd miss you so bad.

Half of my heart is you Gayu. I love you.

The greatest risk in life is not taking one.

…and I've taken mine. Again.

I wonder if life is indeed this unpredictable or is it just me. I think it's just me. If I were to put a timestamp against last evening's events, I'd say I traveled from North pole to South Pole in a span of 30 mins - FLAT.

I moved from being complacent to irritated to happy to scared to insecure to i-don’t-care to I'm-done in a matter of 3 - 4 weeks. I know it looks damn unbecoming of a 24 yr old to go through all this on some important/practical aspects of life. I learnt that marriage is not like buying vegetables. If you do that, you indeed end up buying yourself a vegetable. If you want to buy something that's not a vegetable, then you can't buy it - because it is NOT a vegetable! If you end up (like me) being able to actually buy a diamond at the pretext of buying a vegetable, then you are wasting a gem. Do yourself a favor and let go.

I am not any more grown up after this saga but in fact I have come to terms with the fact that I am far from being grown up. Just as I learnt the meaning of Surreal a few months ago, I learnt the meaning of Commitment-Phobia yesterday. I chickened out exactly at the time when any other girl would be swept off her feet. I am scared of getting swept-off. I like being grounded. That's my comfort zone.

I feel the same way I felt twice (or maybe thrice) earlier in my life - Light. So light. And yet again, I know that only truth can get you peace. Mince words and you are fucked. Speak your heart out and people appreciate it. At least my friends did. They are shocked and relieved at the same time.

I think past, future, love, companionship and practicality are so overrated. I have made peace with my career plans, my instability of head and heart, my juvenile behavior at inappropriate times and who I am in general. Now life will take its own course.

They say 'Choose your own fate, else someone else will choose it for you.'

I choose to choose my own fate.

Work hard, Die Hard.

Agencies do this to you.

You lose all track of time only to keep up with deadlines. They bring back old vices. They make you stay up all night.

You start tending to yourself in the midst of chaos. You are your own office boy and your own boss.

You cannot deliver and you cannot delegate. Yet you do both.

Your body aches nonstop and you don't know what to do. After all you cannot pop meds every single day!

You skip breakfast and you skip lunch. You do not eat dinner because the 90 cups of tea you've had have killed your appetite. And your sleep.

You sleep for 3 hours on weekdays and wake up because you know you missed your deadline. You stay up all weekend to come to terms with who you are. The day you sleep for 8 hours on a weekend, you wake up with a hangover of sorts. Your body doesn't recognize 8 hour sleep after all.

You do not know whether you are 18 or 50 years old. You don't know if this is what a learning curve is all about. You wonder if you've gone up the hierarchy or slipped down 2 places.

You think of people who matter to you and the ones to whom you've stopped mattering because you were so busy chasing time.

You try to relax on your way home. You plug your iPod and it seems like noise. You curse the music industry for 10 minutes in your head and agencies for another 40.

You summarize your day as 'fucked up.' When it is not that actually. But how do you even differentiate a good day from a bad one?

Probably the day you hear - Good job! from someone. Anyone. Even the guy who clears your desk of tea cups. And somewhere within you know the day will never come.

But you know you've done a great job. And you say this to yourself - "I work for a fancy agency. Professional hazards are probably what I experience everyday. Never mind, I am awesome!"

P.S. The title is grammatically incorrect just to keep it open to interpretation!

Reality Check

Let's face it. Every girl has a conversation with her chic friends about 'the dream boy.' And the answers are always quite idealistic. Typically there are 4 broad categories of answers-

'Ok he HAS to be fun, outgoing, shouldn't take things to seriously, and is chilled out.'

'Ok he HAS to be rich, I am so used to my fancy cars man… I can never do without them!'

Ok he should be a simple, intellectual, smiling face, pleasant guy.'

'Dude he's gotta be good looking man.. I want beautiful babies :P'

… and it goes on.

I have also given some crazy answers depending on what frame of mind I was in. In fact I gave different answers at bookshops, coffee shops, pubs, rock shows, office, home etc. Now that I am faced with a real life situation, I am stumped. I want a bit of everything I said and I want nothing of most things I said. I am doubting my own conviction of a lot of things. I have realized I don't know what is important for me.

If I were to define who I am, it won't be more than my credentials. Some deep dive and I see that I am nothing more than my past. A past that I never planned, never asked for. A past that I love and a past that I don't think could have been any other way. And today I am trying to predict my future based on my past. I am trying to create a future. I am convincing myself that I can be a little different from what I have so far been. But how true is that? I always said I want someone who lets me be who I am. But do I want to continue being who I am? What AM I anyway? If only I knew!

I wish everything was as easy as making friends. Where we start without inhibitions, expectations and pretence. Where there is no point to prove and there is no debate of right or wrong. Where we know the other person not by asking questions but by watching them.

And then there is the love. I think experiences are not such a great tool after all. Wonder where love fits in the mesh of practicality, companionship, dependence, independence and life in general. I think that zone where discomfort becomes a habit and comfort is taken for granted is called love.

… just when I was wondering whether or not to end this post and how, my iPod shuffles and brings me to this song -

Hold on to whatever you find baby, hold on to whatever will get you through… I don't trust myself with loving you...

Blah Blah Blah

There is this post I've been attempting to write since what seems like eternity. I edit it every single day and look for the right words - that never, just never come out. It's a good-bye post. It is to say goodbye to my lifeline for the last 8 years - as she takes off from India for good.

I can't ever express what she is to me and how Pune will never ever be the same for any of us 4. Though I will try and finish my draft post - it is unfair to write about her in the same post where I plan to rant about my life.

So ya 4 hrs of travel (standing, mind you) is not the thing I looked forward to in life. This 4 hour travel brings with it other restrictions like getting back by 10 in the night, zero social life and no time to spend the money I earn. The effort of traveling in locals is not worth the time and money I save. Stinking arm pits, women pushing/nudging/fighting, being thrown out of one train and into another etc is definitely not my thing.

Linking Rd looks beautiful since this is Diwali season.

I am eternally sleepy but I get not more than 5 - 6 hrs a day.

I need to buy a better phone which will let me type my posts etc on-the-go. Ive realized that moving buses with no place to stand tickle my blogger's streak.

The 'I-want-to-run-away' feeling is back. What sucks is I want some good (read: Psycho, mad) company to run away with. Sigh!

I hope I will have more and better stuff to write about soon. (I will, for the moment, skip bitching about a colleague I can't stand.)

Mumbai meri jaan

So here I am, in Bombay - after a 3 day vacation with the girls which cost me 1200 INR, all inclusive :)

A new job, a few new friends and just 1 expectation from the city, like I always have from every city I go to. I only expect the place to love me and give me a memorable time. And all places I've been to have given me more than I hoped. Bombay is going to be different.

People who know me, know that I am impulsive. I wake up at 2 in the night and make my friends visit me. I get out of office on a Tuesday afternoon and take the rest of the week off. I love mindlessly and I live mindlessly. I've always lived in my space which has quite literally been mine. Trying to tell me what I need to do is fruitless. I will do my own thing no matter what it takes. A free bird that you see on TV shows - was me for the last 9 years.

Now in a city like Bombay where you work hard and party harder, I stay in the other end of the town with my brother. I travel for 4 hours a day and I can't do late nights. I come back home to a noisy house with 2 kids. I have nothing against little children but they are just not my thing. I can't pack my bags and go to Hyd to see my best friend or even Poona for that matter to meet the girls. This 3-day weekend was one of the dullest I've had in years, with nowhere to go.

Don't ask me why I do not move out. Because I cannot. Cons of closely knit families. I feel guilty even as I type this post but it isnt my bad if I am way different from everybody else in my blood-ties. I can't live like this. But I am. That's life I guess.

(I had thought of a million other interesting things to write about but sometimes blogs get the worst of me... so this insipid personal-diary-ish stupid post. Excuse me if you were terribly bored or dozed off midway through.)

11 things that make me smile :)

I know I know Ive been churning out one sad post after the other. That is so not me! People've been wondering where is the real happy jumpy super enthu me. I am right here! I wear this sadness mask every now and then for the heck of change you see, but alas, I can't play sadness for too long. So here I am with a list of things that make me very very happy. I also realized thats a good exercise to pause and to say thank you to life for what and how it is - beautiful. :)

1. Happy dreams about a good score

2. Seeing mom's pictures where her nose is all swollen up in the cold cold breeze!

3. Thinking about dad's exam fear at age 55. :D

4. Bitching about one best friend to another and then emailing the chat to the one bitched! Pleasures of life I tell you!

5. Knowing that mom dad are there. Right there.

6. Seeing sister all hassled after I have messed up the house. And hear her pseudo-angry rants.

7. Hearing my best friend scream my name with equal enthusiasm on calls each time we talk.

8. Day dreaming about my studio apartment that I will decorate my style.

9. The faith that people have in me after steady strings of failure.

10. When I meet someone who believes that the yummiest sandwiches in the world are made out of the potato remains from the previous night's aloo parathas.

11. Knowing that my best friend will ensure I am not leched at or touched by random men in overcrowded pubs because she will stick to me and hold me all through the night.

I know that was a random list but I think that's where the beauty lies. :)

Who will fix this mess?

Encore. Life on rewind-repeat. Once bitten, twice shy.

They are all for me.

Something that happened last year around the same time, is happening again. That incident changed me forever. I look back and think I wish I could still be as carefree, I wish I did not doubt everyone who sends me an email after a long break and I wish I did not twitch at sms-es from familiar strangers.

I wish I could trust as easily and talk without inhibitions.

A year is a long time. A long time to change a person - for better or for worse, only time will tell. But what I already know is that the me a year ago was a better person than the me I now am - a cynical bitch.

I don't say 'sink or swim, I am diving in' to myself anymore. I am just too scared to hit the bottom again. And some people are blissfully unaware of the damage that I am left to repair.

Who will fix this mess? Or at least help me believe that it is not so bad after all.

Or is it?

Lost now and lost forever.

PP asked me to write something, anything - as a reply to my last post. And considering she is one of my favorite people in blogosphere, an obedient friend, a nice and clean soul, a listener when I need to talk, shares my crazy dreams and above all laughs on my silly jokes - I would honor her request. This post is from my diary. Just a copy-paste from MS OneNote to Blogger. I wrote it in January on my way to Delhi from Bhopal to attend a friend's wedding.

I'm travelling alone after what seems like eternity. An A/C Chair car - a 7 hour journey in a 5-star coach. Feels like my 12 hour flight to London. What mixed feelings they were... Excited for the destination but the journey was spent creating boring PPTs in a claustrophobic BA flight...sigh!

I have a window seat and as I sat I sighed a loud sigh of relief... the kinds they show in movies - a distressed corporate woman finally on her 3 day annual vacation. I looked out of the huge windows as the train moved out of Bhopal into beautiful yellow mustard fields. After 5 mins I realized I was drifting into not so pleasant thoughts of my recent past. I told myself - "Remember what your boss told you today? You've earned this holiday. So stop thinking of stupid things and enjoy this. Can't you see it is so pretty?"

As always I started drawing analogies. The fields outside were so beautiful but they were beautiful from a distance. Just seeing those farmers toil in the hot sun (which added to the beauty of the fields) was so distressing. I then thought there are so many bittersweet things in life which are like that - we wanna be there, have that. For example be rich with all the money which comes with all the hours, days and years of hard work or being in love which we all want to but only know how difficult it is once we are in it.

But that's the deal - Does it keep us happy in the long run to be shut in the suffocating comfort of a 2X3 Airconditioned coach and look out of the window like we were jailed or do we want to toil it and make those beautiful yellow fields ourselves....?

And I jerked back to reality when I was offered some piping hot coffee. I went to the loo and experienced that dreadful sucction/vaccuum flush again. There is nothing I hate as much as the noise they make. That's a big reason why I hate long distance flights. Those sounds.. damn!

I came back to my seat and decided to sleep for that's the only way to rejuvenate after 3 professionally and personally difficult months.

And sleep cheated me this time.

...and I am back (for a little while though!)

I know I know Ive been off for too long! I've been busy vacationing, pampering little kids and getting pampered by elders. What a good life, aah!

I don't have too much to write except that I went to Kerala on vacation and was in awe of the place! The greenery is just mind blowing. I also realized, for the Nth time, that I am a city girl - out and out. Each time I am visiting an exotic location my head and heart tell me I can live there in peace and solitude forever but in exactly 3 days I start missing the bustling traffic and lousy malls where there is either too much or nothing to buy! :D

I also went to our Holy place, Tirupati - after 23 years and I think the God must have been some dude to have such crazy fan following! We had a VIP entry to the place so it took us only 45 mins to get to the Sanctum Sanctorum but for people who had come there for 'Sarva Darshan' had to stand in that claustrophobic queue for 10 hours just to catch a glimpse of the God. I can tell you that some training in Bombay locals will help you stand there for anywhere between 2 to 5 seconds to get a view of the idol, otherwise you will come out after suffering blows and pushes from all directions - and feeling abysmally low cause you couldn't see/feel/experience any divinity.

As predicted, my extended family has been casting doubts about my ambitions - and have been asking me to be more realistic. But my parents are by me for whatever I do, so that is all that matters! My brother's younger boy is ADORABLE! He is the naughtiest thing I have ever seen but he is just tooo cute!

India lost the match last night... sigh! RP Singh and Rohit Sharma can find someone else for themselves. I don't love them anymore. :|

I realized that the friends I used to speak 3 times a day to, I now only speak to them once in 3 weeks - no prizes for guessing, they are all married. Hmph! But I really couldn't care less. (Damn, did I just lie?)

I am job hunting and hoping I find one before my rapidly depleting bank account touches the big zero.

I have 2 weeks to go for a make-or-break exam and I have been royally chillin' for the last 2 weeks which means I'll be seen less often on blogosphere. I must now get back to books and must spend my spare time looking for work :|

So am off for now and I will keep reading blogs and commenting, though I dont think I will write much myself. See u later peeps!

Dark Art Studio

May 28, 2009, Thursday.

Utopia: "You'll call them up and take an appointment?"

Me: "Ok cool. I am SO excited!"

Utopia: "Sorry I am making you do all the dirty work..."

Me: "Shut up. It's ok. I'll see you on Saturday."

Saturday June 30, 2009. 

10:00 AM

Utopia: "I got an appointment for 2:30. I will see you at Hard Rock Cafe at 1. We'll go from there."

Me: "Ok cool, one last time at HRC. I'll see you there."

1:00 PM over SMS

Me: I've reached. I am sitting outside. 

Utopia: I am stuck in traffic...so sorry.

Me: It's ok. come.

1:20 PM 

Utopia: "Hieee!"

Me: "Hiee!!!!"

Utopia: "We'll quickly catch a smoke and go."

Me: "No!! I haven't eaten a thing since morning. We'll eat."

Utopia: "Oh! look who's hungry, ok we'll eat and go."

An order for a veg sandwich (for me) and Chicken Pita Pockets (for her) was placed. We finished less than half of our servings and decided we could eat no more. It was time to go hunting for some Plot No. 34/11, Fraser Town. 

After 10 mins of non-sensical giggling about tying scarves like dacoits and behaving 100 pc puneri and after pretending to be hot chics wearing hot sun glasses and drooling over a nice looking boy in a Yamaha bike, we realized we have no idea where we are headed to. 

We were clueless about the place so was the auto driver. After having looked for Polytechnique college instead of a Polyclinic and after walking down the same street a couple of times (with some ATM mishaps en route) we figured out the place and reached a house with a small studio tucked somewhere in the corner. There were people smoking ciggs, drawing immaculate pictures of devils turning angels and intestines popping out of mouths and similar complex things. We had reached Dark Art Tattoo studio. 

We waited there burning time (quite literally) ridiculing a crazy woman who wanted to look hip n full of life with her sidey clothes and sidi-er tattoos. Some SMSes were exchanged bitching about her and praising the 'guy in a white tee' (since we couldn't talk loud.) We even thought we could talk in Bengali (her) and Oriya (me) since the 2 languages are so similar. We followed not a word of what the other person said. haha!

We spoke to people waiting to get tattoos done and we spoke to people doing them. We got bored. It was close to 4 o clock. We took out our iPods - I started with Kelly Clarkson's Addicted and she started with Plain White Ts Hey there Delilah. We moved on to RHCP and Matchbox 20 and 3 doors down. And I realized I had to save whatever little charge was left in the iPod for my long ride to the airport later in the evening. Now we started listening to her iPod with one ear fone each. And we heard 'ain't no sunshine.' 

Utopia: "I am my own sunshine."

Me: "hmm... good. I am glad."

Me: "you know what will my tattoo be?"

Utopia: "Get the Harvard logo done" 

Me and Utopia: "hahahaha" for about 5 mins.

Me: "No. I will get a post-it size note pinned up with a message on it - I want to own all the books in the world." Like this: 

Me: "I was dying when she was clearing blackheads off me in the parlor. I will get myself a tattoo it seems. huh."

And we giggle again.

And then the skinny, drug addict looking boy came to draw the outline on Utopia - for she was the one getting the tattoo. (I will leave the description for her to write on her blog.) Yayy! It was finally her turn to get etched in ink - for the second time! 

A skinny, 'I'll-be-dead-in-3mins' looking girl started to work the driller on her and the ease with which Utopia sat there talking and smiling was awesome. In the middle of it, I got a call saying the flight is to land at 6 45 and not 7 45 - which meant I had to run. We exchanged quick hugs, knowing we will not see each other again for the next few months or maybe even years - who knows. 

I took an auto and I could not believe I have met this girl exactly 4 times and that she knows me like I know myself. I could not believe my heart will skip a beat even thinking about having her gone and not having her weave dreams for me. 

Utopia, I just hope it is the end for a new beginning. This tattoo date was one of the most memorable days of my life for more reasons than one. As you board the train to a far off land today, I know that we will meet again - probably with some dreams from the many we have, having come true. I hope we will giggle just as much and I hope we will have some more castles to build in the air. 

"and if our hands meet in another dream we'll build another tower in the sky."

Buzzzz....

Ladakh calling - in July. Yes Myulee, we will go. My family has a thing against me being adventurous. Irrespective of the fact that they've been there done that and have always come out of adventures, being happy and fine! Never mind, I've done far too many things in life because I wanted to do them, not getting deterred by their 'we'll save you from everything forever.' Ladakh is just drop in the ocean.

 

Cousins coming over. Preparing myself for the quintessential family debate - with me on one side trying to explain I will do what I want to do as and when I want to do it - and with family on the other side trying to convince me that life is a battle against time - and so I should make the most of today. (And the topic will eventually shift to - 'make the most' in whose terms? Theirs or mine? And I will be told I am faffing around to compensate for the lack of focus and direction in life.) Damn, even the thought tires me out. Wonder how I will go through the drill. Sigh!

 

Twinnie will be missed. My vent when deepest fears are turning ugly, my motivation machine when I need to hear - "Girl, I am telling you - when this plastic bubble breaks - you are gonna have it all. It is just a matter of time before you had the dream college and that one person who loves you for who you are." And I will miss the instant second line - "Look at everyone man! They are all set! And you and me will be forever sitting at Hard Rock café sipping sweet lime and smoking cigarettes." hahah. Yes girl, I will miss you.

 

And what is already missed is someone with wolf-like capacity to read, clarity of thoughts (or maybe the lack of it) and certain special moments. But happiness is transitionary and has to be cherished for its worth - not to be looked back at bring the sulking out. So I am at peace with what I had and what I don't have. 

“The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who can't read.” - Mark Twain.

I read a lot. At least I try to. There are times when I read for 19hrs a day and there are times when I read only 19 pages a day. But I read something everyday. I always believe that if a book has something for you to learn from it, you will pick up that book at the right time and read it. If you havent read a particular book yet, it is because it has something for you to learn at a latter date. Some people say I think so because I relate whatever I am reading to, with my current situation and pick something from it. Either way, I see reading as a cathartic process. 

And when I read, if there is something that touches me somewhere, irrespective of whether I understand the author's intention completely or not, I write it down in a diary that I have for the last many years. I quote the author, note down the name of the book and the page number. My diary now has some timeless jewels. I've always held that diary very closely to myself and have gone back and re-read the pages, to see if I understand the same thing better or even for that matter, differently. I always thought I will give that diary to someone deserving - whoever it be - a stranger, my grandchildren, my mother - whoever. 

I read something nice today and when I took the book out to write it down I felt like a miser trying to treasure what I have. But is knowledge to be treasured in books or is to be precipitated for a higher goal? Most definitely the latter. And so I though what better than a new blog which has only that. Just precious words quote unquote. It might give some people some much needed inspiration, it might make people pick up a book they have been procrastinating to read or even introduce people to something new. People can leave comments on their interpretation of the words, express agreement/disagreement or plainly find a beautiful expression for what's been there on their mind. 

Let me know what you think of this. Meanwhile I will look for a nice template, a good title for the blog and choose my first passage. (GMAT can wait! ) 

Breakin' the habit.

We went to Mysore yesterday. With my uncle, aunt, and 2 little cousins. We visited a few temples en route and I experienced a divine moment. We reached this really old temple at about 1:15 in the afternoon just while they were shutting the door. It was a typical huge wooden door that take 5 people to push it to shut. We ran and just made our way in. It was almost as if God wanted us to visit and so we made it. The moment has stayed with me - running the last 20 meters to make it inside. It was so figurative and metaphorical of my present state of mind and life. I can relate the shutting door and running me to so many things. 

There was also something else I learnt yesterday. Enjoying whatever is there is so important. I have grown up to be a typical 20 something who has very rigid ways of enjoyment and vacation. At other times, I would only enjoy a vacation when 

a. it was not too tightly scheduled. 

b. It did not include kids. 

c. It was to an exotic location (mountains, water body, forests, calm and quiet etc.) 

d. I had my iPod and my music to go with it. 

e. I had my bandana to make sure my hair was not all over my face. 

And a whole lot of other things. 

Yesterday was none of those. There were 2 kids with us - 1 a cranky 10 yr old and another exceptionally quiet teenager with her typical teenage whims (I wont walk, I wont eat this, wont do this, that etc.) I did not have my bandana and I could not plug my iPod since it would have been rude. We were subjected to Udit Narayan's telugu songs and when we insisted on Hindi music we had to listen to tracks of 'Partner' on repeat. But I still enjoyed myself. I was happy chit chatting with my aunt about random family members, letting my hair go haywire with the wind and the ocassional rain that made things worse in a cramped up car. I did not mind untying my shoe laces a zillion times at different temples. And I did not mind eating some stupid food for lunch. 

I did not crib at Mysore palace considering I HATE crowded places (minus pubs) with a vengeance. I did not mind not being able to buy mineral water due to lack of availability. We also went to Vrindavan Gardens (the most screwed up tourist destination ever. My uncle went and gave a piece of his mind to the authorities there for the sheer mismanagement and for the lack of anything interesting to see!) and I can safely say I lived through the terrible experience with grace and was in fact able to control my teenage cousin from losing it out there. 

As we got home it was well past mid night and I was not irritated to open the lock to the house by myself (I don't like coming home to an empty house.) I wanted to wear some shorts or such other meagre clothes but then again I could not. (Yeah, some jazz about refraining from such clothes when there are elders at home.) And guess what! I did not mind wearing a round neck tee which was almost strangulating me! I had to sleep on the floor since all the beds were occupied. My body was hurting with the long hours of travel. But I still slept peacefully. I was still not irritated! 

 I don't like waking up surrounded by people (1 or 2 - fine. Not 8.) When I woke up this morning I saw 4 pairs of feet around me. 4 people were trying to find something in a bag. Typical me would be shooing people away since I want to be left alone and since I would not want to wake up with such random sounds. But I was ok. I quietly went (and luckily the bathroom was not occupied so I could brush my teeth.) and freshened up. 

Finally I am alone in my room (rest of the clan has again ventured somewhere out) and I am feeling contented since I finally managed breaking out of the rigid mould of what an ideal vacation, an ideal good night's sleep and an ideal morning should be like. 

After all what is ideal? 

Jab We Met...!

And we finally met. Me and Utopia. Her blog and mine are different in their own stead but there is something that always clicks with some people. And it clicked with us. As fate would have it, I have landed up at the same place as her and so there was no doubt that we would meet. I thought it would be like a blind date but it wasn't. She seemed like a long lost friend with whom I was just catching up after a very very long time. We have parallel lives. We are as cool, stupid, fucked up, sensitive, emotional (or otherwise) and full of vices as the other. We spoke non stop for about an hour and half at a lovely place.

 

I won't give out anything of what we spoke, for obvious reasons - the stuff's personal. But all I will say is, she is indeed my twin (though she is way prettier!) in thought and action. Talking about meeting people, I have to fit this in! I met by bestest friend (referred to as NB and Budds in this blog) last week and we spent 5 straight hours together. I din't know I had missed her so much! Also another awesome friend of mine is gonna be back to India next week and I am meeting him too.  He is one of my few 'no-nonsense'  I-love-spending-time-with'  'endless-and-meaningful-conversations' ' drinking-buddy' and 'such-an-amazing-person' friends that I have.

 

All for swearing that I wont socialize in my 'secret location!' ! Huh.

 

Anyway other updates from me!

 

I got tanned at home, in my sleep. :| it was a cloudy afternoon with pleasant breeze so I opened the huge french windows by my bed and dozed off with a book. Only to wake up with the hot scorching sun burning me and me sweating like I was running a marathon! :(

 

I am gonna spend the month of May reading Karl Marx. I have always been intrigued by him but never read extensively to have an opinion. (Provided I finish the books by Marquez, Steinbeck, Manto, Kunzru and Fyodor that are lying on my table begging for attention!)

 

OK there were a million things I thought of this morning that I wanted to write about but they seem to have evaporated. I will buzz out with this much and will hopefully be back soon.

 

Oh just btw, welcome back PP!