Twenty Five and Counting.

I always wanted a cake-less birthday. I always wanted a birthday without friends yelling for 24 hours straight and shoving alcohol down my throat and buying me flowers, gifts, balloons. I always wanted one birthday where I sleep until late in the morning, don't go anywhere out and read a lot. My 25th birthday is a landmark day for me. So what if I dont have any of the things I wanted to have on this day, but at least I willed silence hard enough to get some peace of mind through the day and 3 hours of absolute solitude in the night. It was nice to spend an hour over the phone having mindless conversation with someone just as mindless as me.

I gifted myself an external hard disc and an anti-virus. I did a quiet dinner with family. At the tick of 12 marking the end of that birthday, my best friend called me and I burst out laughing. 7 straight years and he still thinks it is on the 7th, not 6th.

I have always been quite excited about growing up. I still am. I like the way it makes me rigid and how I fight that rigidity. I like the way it makes me look forward to bigger, better, more elusive things in life. Growing up is a mystery that gets only more complex as time moves. It never simplifies the puzzle. And that's where the fun is. Growing up is not boring. It is difficult at times, yes, but there has never been a dull day in this process.

Of course, there is the painful drill of birthdays where you do an (un)reality check and assess what your net assets and net liabilities are. The balance sheet never tallies and the profits are not evident and you only hope you will see them in another 2 years. Birthdays are a sorry reminder of what you are not and what you don't have and a mocking solace of all the trivial things you've managed to stumble up on, carefully picked up and made them look like achievements. Birthdays are a date stamp against all the goods and bads of your life. I have never understood the need to mark red-letter days anyway. One day in a year (2 when you are married) to celebrate being who you are? Now that's being fucking low on self esteem. I'd rather celebrate being who I am each time I feel close to myself, on days I want to hug myself and say 'you'r a rock star', on days I smile at no one in particular while walking on the dirty bylanes of a stinking Bombay.

I don't hate birthdays. I can't deny the fact that its a logical celebration - to celebrate the precise moment you came into being and to thank your parents for having faith in you even before you were born and bringing you in the world knowing you will live.

I wonder if at the pretext of saying birthdays are trivial, I ended up giving it too much importance in this post and in my life in general.

On a side note, February is a beautiful month of the year to be born in.

Essay - My House

I wrote this essay when I was 5. And I spoke of all that I had in my house. 4 rooms, a lawn, a car, loving parents, a sibling. On the verge of 25, I write this essay again. And I realize I don't have a house yet. I have a few places with loved ones I can call home and go live at but I don't have a house. 


I don't have a house that's devoid of noise and that feels like me. I don't have a house with a reading room - a room with wall-to-wall mattresses on the floor with shelves on 4 walls that stock books. I don't have a house with a small living room. If only I had a house it would have had pictures in solid black frames. It would be a house with plants and without fish. If I had a house it'd smell of old books and lime. The house would have no extra racks. My house wouldn't have collections of antics. If I had a house, it wouldn't have a mini-bar. This hypothetical house of mine would be a purpose driven house, not aesthetics driven. It would have sunlight that I couldn't handle. It would have 2 long chairs. Just 2. The house would feel like me and have bright colors. 


If I had a house, it would have no calendars but would have a huge wall clock. You ask why? So I'd know how many hours more I could read in the room with the wall-to-wall mattresses and how many hours before I drew the curtains. The clock would tell me when to water the plants and when to step out to smile at random people on streets. I'd sleep well before the clock strikes 12 and guess what? I wouldn't have to bother about the ticking calendar.

Escape is easier than change. So I love vacations!

Why is it always so difficult to articulate beauty?

After about a month of dilly-dally the trip finally happened. I went to Goa with the girls. Probably my best ever vacation. Ok I might sound thankless for all the other wonderful vacations I've had but this was hands down the best time I've ever had! Colva, Majorda, Calangute (yuck!) Bagha, Candolim, Anjuna, Dona Paula, Panjim, Old Goa (ok not an architecture fan), Alcohol, dancing, driving, drunk driving, cops, bike breakdown, water sports, borrowing clothes, footwear, accessories from each other, getting pissed off and bursting into fits of laughter, sitting quietly for hours and contemplating about nothing and everything - it was all there in the last 4 days.

We spent hours at the beach, sitting on those long foot-ons, thinking to ourselves some hot guy will zoom towards us in a water-scooter. But as all of us know, life is not that kind. Forget water scooter, we did not even see cute guys at Totos or Brittos! And the ones who looked cute, if I showed you those boys you'd call me a pedophile. Yes we've all suddenly grown old. I couldn't even drink for the first half of the trip and I almost told myself this is the last time I am going to Goa - after all you can't sip pots of ginger tea at Goa, can you?

We drove hundreds of kilometers in the state, got a crazy tan, drank loads of coconut water, alcohol and tea. We slept until late during the day and stayed awake through the night. What was so different from your regular vacation? Well nothing. Then what makes it so special? Just the thought that it could probably be one of my last vacations with the girls for a long long time to come.

The same feeling again, that I get each time I am having a good time - life is so easy around people you know and you love. There is no pretence, there is no pleasing. They don’t care how terrible you look in those night clothes and yet make fun of you when you are dressed at your best. You don’t miss anyone, there is no wanting to make calls or worrying about  what the future might hold or how bad that last year was. Time comes to a stand still and yet moves so fast. There is no earlier in the day and no later in the evening. All that's there is that moment and the feeling of utmost satisfaction with what you have.

And then there is the power of the supreme. Standing alone in front of the roaring sea at 2 am makes you feel so small, so petty. Driving alone on a dark street tells you the darkness is for a reason, for a reality check. No matter how powerful man gets, some things will continue to dictate their supremacy. The sea can give you the same feeling that those mountains can give. They are harmless at that instant but can get nasty. You don't want to provoke the beautiful waves in the ocean, the darkness of the night, the silence of the mountains and the evenness of the deserts.

Vacations are getting better. Hopefully life will get better too. The hot sun is sometimes more comforting than the cool moonlight. As of now, I am back to this shithole of a place called office and to bustling Bombay. It helps to know that there are enough bounties of nature to leave behind your mundane life at and to feel alive for a few hours every year, in the name of vacation.

P.S: Do not spend on high SPF sunscreens.

A memory is what is left when something happens and does not completely unhappen.

Happy New Year peeps!!!

I've been meaning to write for a while now but there has been no happy thing to write about. I wanted my 1st post of 2010 to be a happy one and if you see my blogger drafts for the last 20 odd days - you'd feel so bad for me. I churned out some semi-finished depression filled posts. I've been going through this endless process of submitting applications, staying up all night and working at office (a thankless bitch of a place!) This kinda schedule leaves little or no time for basics like food and sleep, forget blogging.

Anyway, cribs apart, I've been listening to some very cute telugu music (trying to read up lyrics and wondering what the mumble-jumble of vowels is all about! hell yes, its my mother tongue but still!) and anything telugu brings only 1 memory to my mind. No, not mom's weekly routine of sambar rice. It reminds me of my 2.5 years at Hyderabad. Those 2.5 yrs which gave me my budds for a good memory and a zillion other things for a bad memory. I hated the first breeze of that place when I landed there. I hated where my hotel was. I hated the locality where I moved in. I hated those malls that stocked piles of tasteless clothes. I hated those movie theatres which almost never played good movies and when they did, there'd be no tickets available. I hated the streets where people spat paan on your pants. I hated those mindless flyovers running from somewhere to nowhere and from nowhere to yet another nowhere - clogging traffic and making you sick of looking at tasteless buildings lined next to each other for 10s of kilometers. I hated the night clubs - they were a hangout zone for a bunch of rich wannabes figuring out how a mojito is different from a long island iced tea. I hated how the only bearable place in the face of hyd, a quaint little cafe at jubilee rd no. 36, called my cafe latte turned into a monstrous and ugly and loud coffee bar. When it was small, we spent every weekend for 6 months at the cafe, talking to the waiter in marathi and buying classic milds for the weekend at the pan shop next to it.

We spent countless hours at those bad malls, on those crowded flyovers, in those bad cafe coffee days and baristas, stood in those long queues for movies, walked on those risky bylanes, went to those bad clubs with bad music and terrible crowd and shook a leg, got fooled by half of the town, spoke endlessly about mindless topics like love and past, sat at home out of frustration, downed zillions of litres of tea, coffee, read books, slept, sat and did nothing, went to spas for massage and ate bad sandwiches thereafter for hundreds of rupees.

Me and budds were eager to leave Hyd the day we went there until the day we left. But why am I not surprised that cute telugu songs bring back memories of hyderabad, not in a bad taste, but in a tone of reminiscence? That's because we spent every day at Hyd telling ourselves - these are the best days of our life, no matter how fucked up they are, they are good because we are together. To have fun, to crib, bitch, to get wasted, to do nothing and to do everything.

And boy were we right!

Year end Rover-isms!

It's a bad time to write a post, aint it? I mean people are out visiting places and here I am typing on a screen? Well, I am having such a gala time that I had to write!!

Vacation, Parents, extended family, new members in the family (cuuuute little baby girl, to be precise) loads and loads of sleep, yuuummy food, touristy trips in cramped up cars, sleeping on mattresses strewn all over the place because there are 30 people in a 5 bedroom house, waking up in the night and crossing over people's legs like you are in a refugee camp, sneaking to the terrace and talking over the phone to the girls, cracking nasty jokes and beating up brother. Now THAT is life!

Well 2 legs of my 3-leg vacation are over. One was with sister with parents and the other was extended family in remote parts of India. It has been so awesome so far. Now it is time to relax, unwind, shop and of course, sit peacefully and finish some writing for MBA Apps.

I sometimes think to myself I am such a list-freak. I made wishlists and some more wishlists and so many new year resolutions  and loads of other lists. I accomplish about 40% of what I say and end up doing soooo many other exciting things that I could've never imagined. Like living in 3 odd cities in 2009 and dating some menace in the name of men, for instance. And guess what, despite knowing that my listing doesnt help much, I still make loads and loads of lists. And I am ready with many more new yr resolutions. The funniest part is my lists are as lame as they can get. Like lose weight, read more, eat healthy, reduce bills etc. haha! That's pretty much my list for this year too, actually! Oh ya, since Jinu V 2.5 will be launched in Feb (yes, I turn twenty freakin five!!!) there will be many more lists to ensure I dont hit quarter life crisis and I continue feeling like a bird or a fish or a kite or a pebble or a dry leaf (yes yes all those poetic things that are supposedly free!)

Ok I've lost the point. Anyway, I was deleting sms-es from my phone today and the one person who's sms-es I cant delete is NB Her love messages can very well get me rid of annoying boyfriends. All I have to do is rename her as a guy on my phone and people will think I am married :P I lovvvve u girl! And then theres my sister. Her messages are ALWAYS asking me to say sorry! I wonder why.

Anyway, it is not a great post for 30th December of any year but I feel happy about being so happy and for having all that I have. Though I could do with the job of a florist, you see. :)

Good girls go to heaven. Bad girls work at ad agencies.

Good girls become iBankers. Bad girls work for ad agencies. Good girls are the ambitious types.

Good girls become Chartered Accountants. Bad girls work for ad agencies. Good girls are the studious types.

Good girls become doctors. Bad girls work for ad agencies. Good girls are the respectable types.

Good girls get proposed 3 times in their life. Bad girls work for ad agencies. Good girls have a dearth of desperate men around them.

Good girls have a life. Bad girls work for agencies. Good girls have office timings on the lines of 9-5.

Good girls dress up. Bad girls work for agencies. Good girls have the time and motivation to dress up.

Good girls eat healthy food. Bad girls work for ad agencies. Good girls don't believe in alcoholism.

Good girls don't have bronchitis. Bad girls work for ad agencies. Good girls don't know how to light a cigarette.

Good girls sleep on time. Bad girls work for ad agencies. Good girls don't stay up all night for TVCs.

Good girls wear deodorant. Bad girls work for ad agencies. Good girls don't know how perfumes are different.

Good girls do the right things. Bad girls work for ad agencies. Good girls don't know how to live it up.

Good girls go to heaven. Bad girls go everywhere ;-)

New Year, New Decade, New URL.

It's that time of the year when we sum up the last 12 months. But end of 2009 marks the end of a decade too. I see newspapers, magazines, tv channels etc summing up a decade of the nation, economy, politics and the world in general. And my life is also quite eventful, at least eventful enough to command a decade-wrap post on my own blog!

Before I begin my looong never ending post, I'll just explain why I changed my URL - cuz when I started writing a year and half ago, 'whatjinuwants' made sense. Now it doesn't. I now feel like a rover in the head. It will change again when I stop feeling like something else, I guess. :)

2000-2009 saw me pass high school, graduate, meet some amazing people, work at amazing places and with some awesome colleagues, plan life, figure out who I am, what makes me happy and what troubles me a lot. I found lovers, best friends, lifelines, boyfriends. Life sorted me out in a lot of ways and confused me in some other ways. I moved from being torn apart about one thing to another. I inculcated virtues and adapted vices. I lied, got lied to, I did not cheat but got cheated. I realized life is not always fair but it all evens out in the end. I learnt how to follow my heart, retain dignity, look beyond the trivial and be happy. Just happy. With or without it. Whatever that 'it' is.

I made plans and I failed plans. I cried less and I did not hate anyone. I went on to be more laid-back, less focused and found peace in being direction less. I experimented with loads of things

I learnt what being rooted means and why blood ties are so beautiful. I learnt that only a mother's love is unconditional. I realized how I hate waking up in a room with more than 2 other people. I learnt cheating is a need and not all acid tests are meant to be passed. I realized everyone has a reason for doing what one does. I learnt how to give benefit of doubt.

What I did not learn was coding, mountaineering, giving myself enough time, saying a firm no and swimming. I did not learn how to get better at a debate and how to talk less.

The new decade brings with it some promises and some fears. I will go for higher education - don't know where and when. I might just find myself a soul-mate or a companion for life and if I am plain unlucky, a husband - just that. I will enter the 25th year of life and will look at exploring life more - a lot more. In a nutshell, I've had a great decade with few mishaps and some tremendous experiences.

If there is one thing I have to take away from this decade to the next, it'll be just one lesson - That everything happens for a reason. A good reason.

Random updates

I dont have much to write... its just that I feel like writing :P

Its been an okay day and a nice evening. Nothing special about it except that I went for a drink with a gay friend. She gave me some perspective on things and I could tell her in so many words how the movie Milk made me feel a little queasy. And we spoke of life and relationships in general. There was no work talk and there was no talk of my MBA. Yayy!

I am wayyyy behind deadlines - wrt to both short term and long term goals. My salary will be late this month and I am broke. I have a body ache which kinda tells me I will fall sick. I hate certain aspects of my job and yet I am so much at peace with my life. I think thats called finding comfort in discomfort/beauty in breakdown or whatever. Ok why dramatize the whole thing, just because its my blog? I am in an i-care-a-damn attitude today and might wake up after 7 hours thinking I have a terrible life :P

I catch this power-nap in the bus and I like feeling all Bombay-ish. Busy and hassled. I think the small town girl wants to feel all city-like. hehehe. My phone is out of charge and I dont want to hunt for the charger in my bag. Will let the battery die and will give the Biz Dev team a bad time tomorrow. I love playing the bitch :P Anyway some people dont have a cell phone for a few days so I can't even SMS them. :|

I cried all over public forums today that I am homesick. The bodyache is getting terrible. I am sitting on an 'easy-chair' which seems quite difficult. I want to sleep for 6 months. I think it is the sickness making me type such random stuff.

Thank you for putting up with this crap. Gnite peeps!! :D

Half of my heart.

There are these days when reality comes, slaps your face, pulls your hair, screams into your ears and says - Face it!

That happened to me last evening. I finally came to terms with Gayatri leaving. For a while I've been avoiding talking about Gayathri's saga of India exit. I avoided it when she said she's leaving. I avoided it when I went to meet her one last time in Pune and I completely ran away from it by not going to the airport to see her off.

I've been telling myself, she's just around the corner, Dubai is a neighboring country etc. I spoke to the girls about her, thought I'd go see her in Jan and what not.

But it struck when I was finalizing my weekend visit to Poona. Damn. No Gayatri?! It was almost like coming out of denial. And then our conversation last evening - where we realized it doesn't seem like too long ago when we went to college and did nothing but eat, drink and make merry. Quite literally. The lack of money and commitment and responsibilities was awesome. But we did own up to our share of hard work after those 5yrs. And we did a great job. Today we are all so settled and unsettled at the same time.

We feel distant from each other and so close at the same time. We lack time but we could do with fewer hours in a day. We like the freedom and yet we are not very sure as to how free we are. We want to find someone permanent in life and yet feel so jittery about settling down. We want to act like crack-heads but we know we can't. It's beyond us. We are young but not young enough. Old but not old enough. And I don't want to term it quarter-life crisis. Don't ask me why.

This crisis seems so bad only because in the last 4 years we could have done with a few hours over the weekend at the coffee shop and could've continued being who we are. At least for a couple of hours a week.

I now feel how being present in spirit is actually a lie. No matter how much one means it, physical presence is just something else. We have metamorphosed into different people. And the change was necessary. But without each other?

Gayatri, I'd have loved to be a part of your change. I'd have loved you to be a part of my change.

I'd have loved to see you while you said what you said to me and I'd have loved to tell you little details of crazy things I hear everyday. I'd love to ask you to pick me up and I'd love to give you company in queues at the court, at the bank. I'd love to re-live those 5 years at the cost of the next 5 years. But does life give us too many options?

I am teary eyed in a long time. Gayathri with an H, I really never knew I'd miss you so bad.

Half of my heart is you Gayu. I love you.

The greatest risk in life is not taking one.

…and I've taken mine. Again.

I wonder if life is indeed this unpredictable or is it just me. I think it's just me. If I were to put a timestamp against last evening's events, I'd say I traveled from North pole to South Pole in a span of 30 mins - FLAT.

I moved from being complacent to irritated to happy to scared to insecure to i-don’t-care to I'm-done in a matter of 3 - 4 weeks. I know it looks damn unbecoming of a 24 yr old to go through all this on some important/practical aspects of life. I learnt that marriage is not like buying vegetables. If you do that, you indeed end up buying yourself a vegetable. If you want to buy something that's not a vegetable, then you can't buy it - because it is NOT a vegetable! If you end up (like me) being able to actually buy a diamond at the pretext of buying a vegetable, then you are wasting a gem. Do yourself a favor and let go.

I am not any more grown up after this saga but in fact I have come to terms with the fact that I am far from being grown up. Just as I learnt the meaning of Surreal a few months ago, I learnt the meaning of Commitment-Phobia yesterday. I chickened out exactly at the time when any other girl would be swept off her feet. I am scared of getting swept-off. I like being grounded. That's my comfort zone.

I feel the same way I felt twice (or maybe thrice) earlier in my life - Light. So light. And yet again, I know that only truth can get you peace. Mince words and you are fucked. Speak your heart out and people appreciate it. At least my friends did. They are shocked and relieved at the same time.

I think past, future, love, companionship and practicality are so overrated. I have made peace with my career plans, my instability of head and heart, my juvenile behavior at inappropriate times and who I am in general. Now life will take its own course.

They say 'Choose your own fate, else someone else will choose it for you.'

I choose to choose my own fate.

Pink and Purple weekend.

So it was a great weekend. I went to Hyd for an interview at a world-class B-School. I did a mediocre or even a sub-standard job of convincing the panel as to why they should take me. I couldn't articulate my thoughts well. My answers did not convince me, let alone convince someone else!

But for a change it was not something that bothered me. I did not come out with a heavy heart or a sinking feeling, which I otherwise do when things don't go my way. I loved the sight of a campus and I knew I want to be there on some campus - this or some other. I felt small in front of the interview panel, which again was a great feeling. When you are surrounded by people who think you are doing great for yourself, it is important to have someone criticize you and wake you up from your fairytale dream . I felt I have a long way to go and at the same time I felt convinced that I was doing the right thing.

There was of course more to the weekend than that. There was the best time ever spent with Cams. There was watching of 8 movies, head massage, making omelets for breakfast and dal rice curry for lunch. There was going out at midnight for ice cream. There was feeling sick and getting pampered. He stood at the interviewee lobby at the campus, like a body guard, in t-shirt and denims without for once feeling awkward around all the immaculately dressed candidates. He was way more nervous than I was! He spoke to me about certain life-changing decisions of my life and gave me some perspective.

I felt I never left Hyd and he never got married. All the credit goes to him for treasuring me and loving me a little more every passing day. I haven't had a 'Thank God I have him/her' feeling in so long! I left in the morning with mixed feelings - so happy that I have him and so sad that our little vacation was over.

And as always, I know that one good time comes to an end only to make way to another.

Work hard, Die Hard.

Agencies do this to you.

You lose all track of time only to keep up with deadlines. They bring back old vices. They make you stay up all night.

You start tending to yourself in the midst of chaos. You are your own office boy and your own boss.

You cannot deliver and you cannot delegate. Yet you do both.

Your body aches nonstop and you don't know what to do. After all you cannot pop meds every single day!

You skip breakfast and you skip lunch. You do not eat dinner because the 90 cups of tea you've had have killed your appetite. And your sleep.

You sleep for 3 hours on weekdays and wake up because you know you missed your deadline. You stay up all weekend to come to terms with who you are. The day you sleep for 8 hours on a weekend, you wake up with a hangover of sorts. Your body doesn't recognize 8 hour sleep after all.

You do not know whether you are 18 or 50 years old. You don't know if this is what a learning curve is all about. You wonder if you've gone up the hierarchy or slipped down 2 places.

You think of people who matter to you and the ones to whom you've stopped mattering because you were so busy chasing time.

You try to relax on your way home. You plug your iPod and it seems like noise. You curse the music industry for 10 minutes in your head and agencies for another 40.

You summarize your day as 'fucked up.' When it is not that actually. But how do you even differentiate a good day from a bad one?

Probably the day you hear - Good job! from someone. Anyone. Even the guy who clears your desk of tea cups. And somewhere within you know the day will never come.

But you know you've done a great job. And you say this to yourself - "I work for a fancy agency. Professional hazards are probably what I experience everyday. Never mind, I am awesome!"

P.S. The title is grammatically incorrect just to keep it open to interpretation!

(Not) Just another day in my life...

Funny things happen to me all the time.

Last evening was particularly weird. I had a laughter bout with my colleagues for about 15 minutes and I was in the highest of spirits after a really long time. Just while I decided to pack up and leave with a few of them for a drink and a bite, I had a stupid argument with another colleague. Totally ticked off I decided to go gulp it and call it a night not before the clock struck 12.

Still to take an auto, I heard from a client and had some work piled on me at 8 in the evening. We decided to split at about 10 so we could all go home and work some more. (Agencies are a mean, ruthless place to work for. A post will probably follow soon! ) We went all over Bandra looking for an open bar only to hear from an auto driver that it was a dry-day!! We have dry-days in India exactly when half the town is desperate for a drink. :|

With no motivation to eat, I decided to head home. I have a rather long journey back home from work. Non-peak hours take me a little more than an hour to get home. I waited at the bus-stop for what seemed like eternity. After 25 minutes of standing, bored of the 8GB music on my iPod I couldn’t wait to sit in the bus and catch a quick nap so I could get to work as soon as I reached.

Just as I took a seat in the bus somebody sat next to me and asked 'coming back from work?' I was taken aback and realized it was a psycho. Some doped out idiot spoke to me incessantly until I reached my stop. I did not speak a single line but he was hilarious! He told me his name, age, profession (or the lack of it) marital status, hobbies, family and what not. He sang a song to me about strangers since I wasn't talking to him and how he thought I wasn't talking because my mom said - Do not talk to strangers! He told me how he thinks Bombay is such a lonely place and how he will soon go to Dehradun!

He soon sickened out since I wouldn't talk to him. He then spoke to the bus driver, gave him a shoulder massage and started singing songs with the radio that was playing in the background. All in all a harmless but idiotic co-passenger. I swear if I were not that pissed off, I would have spoken to him at length and have had a nice time :P

Anyhow, I got home only to hear some snide remarks from my brother about how I loaf around the place. How I wish that was true! Super-irritated I skipped dinner and crashed only to have a series of nightmares.

So glad it’s a new morning now!

Reality Check

Let's face it. Every girl has a conversation with her chic friends about 'the dream boy.' And the answers are always quite idealistic. Typically there are 4 broad categories of answers-

'Ok he HAS to be fun, outgoing, shouldn't take things to seriously, and is chilled out.'

'Ok he HAS to be rich, I am so used to my fancy cars man… I can never do without them!'

Ok he should be a simple, intellectual, smiling face, pleasant guy.'

'Dude he's gotta be good looking man.. I want beautiful babies :P'

… and it goes on.

I have also given some crazy answers depending on what frame of mind I was in. In fact I gave different answers at bookshops, coffee shops, pubs, rock shows, office, home etc. Now that I am faced with a real life situation, I am stumped. I want a bit of everything I said and I want nothing of most things I said. I am doubting my own conviction of a lot of things. I have realized I don't know what is important for me.

If I were to define who I am, it won't be more than my credentials. Some deep dive and I see that I am nothing more than my past. A past that I never planned, never asked for. A past that I love and a past that I don't think could have been any other way. And today I am trying to predict my future based on my past. I am trying to create a future. I am convincing myself that I can be a little different from what I have so far been. But how true is that? I always said I want someone who lets me be who I am. But do I want to continue being who I am? What AM I anyway? If only I knew!

I wish everything was as easy as making friends. Where we start without inhibitions, expectations and pretence. Where there is no point to prove and there is no debate of right or wrong. Where we know the other person not by asking questions but by watching them.

And then there is the love. I think experiences are not such a great tool after all. Wonder where love fits in the mesh of practicality, companionship, dependence, independence and life in general. I think that zone where discomfort becomes a habit and comfort is taken for granted is called love.

… just when I was wondering whether or not to end this post and how, my iPod shuffles and brings me to this song -

Hold on to whatever you find baby, hold on to whatever will get you through… I don't trust myself with loving you...

Blah Blah Blah

There is this post I've been attempting to write since what seems like eternity. I edit it every single day and look for the right words - that never, just never come out. It's a good-bye post. It is to say goodbye to my lifeline for the last 8 years - as she takes off from India for good.

I can't ever express what she is to me and how Pune will never ever be the same for any of us 4. Though I will try and finish my draft post - it is unfair to write about her in the same post where I plan to rant about my life.

So ya 4 hrs of travel (standing, mind you) is not the thing I looked forward to in life. This 4 hour travel brings with it other restrictions like getting back by 10 in the night, zero social life and no time to spend the money I earn. The effort of traveling in locals is not worth the time and money I save. Stinking arm pits, women pushing/nudging/fighting, being thrown out of one train and into another etc is definitely not my thing.

Linking Rd looks beautiful since this is Diwali season.

I am eternally sleepy but I get not more than 5 - 6 hrs a day.

I need to buy a better phone which will let me type my posts etc on-the-go. Ive realized that moving buses with no place to stand tickle my blogger's streak.

The 'I-want-to-run-away' feeling is back. What sucks is I want some good (read: Psycho, mad) company to run away with. Sigh!

I hope I will have more and better stuff to write about soon. (I will, for the moment, skip bitching about a colleague I can't stand.)

Mumbai meri jaan

So here I am, in Bombay - after a 3 day vacation with the girls which cost me 1200 INR, all inclusive :)

A new job, a few new friends and just 1 expectation from the city, like I always have from every city I go to. I only expect the place to love me and give me a memorable time. And all places I've been to have given me more than I hoped. Bombay is going to be different.

People who know me, know that I am impulsive. I wake up at 2 in the night and make my friends visit me. I get out of office on a Tuesday afternoon and take the rest of the week off. I love mindlessly and I live mindlessly. I've always lived in my space which has quite literally been mine. Trying to tell me what I need to do is fruitless. I will do my own thing no matter what it takes. A free bird that you see on TV shows - was me for the last 9 years.

Now in a city like Bombay where you work hard and party harder, I stay in the other end of the town with my brother. I travel for 4 hours a day and I can't do late nights. I come back home to a noisy house with 2 kids. I have nothing against little children but they are just not my thing. I can't pack my bags and go to Hyd to see my best friend or even Poona for that matter to meet the girls. This 3-day weekend was one of the dullest I've had in years, with nowhere to go.

Don't ask me why I do not move out. Because I cannot. Cons of closely knit families. I feel guilty even as I type this post but it isnt my bad if I am way different from everybody else in my blood-ties. I can't live like this. But I am. That's life I guess.

(I had thought of a million other interesting things to write about but sometimes blogs get the worst of me... so this insipid personal-diary-ish stupid post. Excuse me if you were terribly bored or dozed off midway through.)

Where is the good in a goodbye?

Of course there is good in every goodbye - it marks the end of a good time only to give way to a new one.

Goodbyes are not forever. Neither are they painful. I think I am so used to saying goodbyes that they mean almost nothing to me. It's not a great feeling though.

It is important to chronicle my 6 months at Bangalore. A small stint but a beautiful one at that. I lived with my sister for 3 months after a gap of 3 years - every single day was memorable. I stayed with my lifeline best friend - again. I made loads of new friends. I traveled a lot, partied a lot, blew up a lot of money, did loads of fancy dinners and spend countless hours at Hard Rock cafe. I bonded with some old friends and realized how important they are to me. And I am to them.

I spent so many evenings fearing I'd bump into someone I don't particularly dislike but don't want to ever see in my life again either. Thank God, He saved me some awkward situations. Amu spent countless days pampering me and adding so many more lovely memories to our already long list. Gale was a total sweetheart with all the many farewell parties she threw.

I am going back to the west. Where my heart lies. I am going to Bombay. I don't think I will miss Bangalore for the food or weather - but I will miss those lovely weekends of doing nothing to bursting into activity. I will miss staying up all night and watching psycho TV shows and movies on this laptop. I will miss playing random catchy numbers on repeat and continuously dancing with the girls. I will miss getting ready for some place and going some other place altogether.

But I am looking forward to meeting new people and facing newer shit in life. I am looking forward to being so close to Pune.

Bangalore will be remembered for collecting sea shells by Cauvery and memories with friends.

It really doesnt matter how long I've known you. All that matters is that I know you.

As the time for me to say Goodbye comes closer, I realize how much I am going to miss the new entrant in my life, whom I start sort of missing by the end of the day and can't put myself to bed unless I've spoken to her a bit। (read: a few couple of hours।) Pri has been a terrific addition to my list of loved-ones and this is a small attempt to document these last few weeks of craziness.

Pri, the quintessential mad chic. The bullet laughter. The thumping sound when you climb up the stairs. The 'Main huun, darwaaza kholo' routine every night in that sing-song tone. The endless conversations. The endless nights when we slept because it was 6 am and so we must sleep. The countless cigarettes we smoked. The mad men making moves at us at 1 AM and the important lesson we learnt that night - only to forget it in less than 48 hours. The love you showered when I was all delirious with fever. The sharing secrets and reading old emails of lost love. The ecstasy after your GMAT. The drunkenness and recording of videos. Telling each other that the ex-bfs were too bad so they'd better be gone. The fondness for over-sized t-shirts and friend's boyfriend's denim jacket. The discussions over books. The open-minded conversations which could have been heated debates with almost anyone else. That silence which pierces through and the love that screams without words. The Miss Messy who goes on a cleaning spree every once in a week. The girl trying miserably to hide emotions. The slant terrace, the coffees, the daal-chawals and the smokes.

One thing I've learnt from you is that not everything needs to be put into words and that one look is enough to soothe a hurt. You've been an awesome roomie, an awesomer smoke-buddy, an even awesomer madness mound and the awesomest friend in such a short period of time.

Know that no matter where I go, I am here to stay in your life. Thank you for everything Pri.

Saki sharaab peene de masjid mein baith kar ya fir koi aisi jagah bata jahaan khuda nahi!

3 girls went drinking - Sex Kitten (Amu), Foxy (me) and Mango Dolly (Nidhi.) Savita Bhabhi (Pri) was busy working.

Nidhi ab Khulla Saandh hai..rather khulli gaay hai.

We want some more alcohol. Drunkennes is cool when you just broke up or when you just got a new job. Or even when yu got fired.

Closing track for the day - Kitthe chali hai Gobi Da fool banke kudiye badami rangiye!

We shall try to arrange some more alcohol and entertain you some more.

Joe Felix is the man! Kambakht ishq. Waise toh D is also the man.

Itta likh....utta likh....Muthalikh. Hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha...

South mein free fund mein 'H' milte hain...'Muthalikh, kavit'h'a, savit'h'a, d'h'al, khamb'h'a, kutt'h'e....ethe, uthe, kithe!

We have a cosmic conn bee.

We also have some Ginn for doing some shots.

Paapi saraab pi saitaan ke dil mein baith kar, waha khuda nahi! (waha extreme sports bar hai!)

Buzzzzzz again!

So! Life's been a little weird... I have too much to do and I have a lot of time but I am not getting anything done. I think its because the things I have to do, do not excite me much.

I went to some lovely waterfalls a few hundred kms away from this town and I had a nice time. But it did not stay with me. I went to some national park and felt like I was in a zoo. Vacations stay with me but this one did not. With every passing day I can see the difference between what I want and what I am working towards. But I have decided not to think too much because I ponder way more than necessary and that is not doing me any good. I need to -

Focus on 1 thing at a time. I must stop looking at my To-Do list every 5 mins.

Give myself deadlines and adhere to them. How?

Prioritize. Yes. I am walking on razor's edge already!

Stop getting the 'I want to run away' feeling. I can't run away from myself after all, can I?

Make time for vacation with the girls. I miss them too much for my own good. :(

Get rid of writer's block.

Well that summarizes my life not-so-beautifully. I write some posts just for reference. So that I can read them after 10 years and..and do what? Ok I decided am not going to think much. So peace with the documentation.

I owe this blog more love than I am giving right now. I promise I will write something better, more hearty in the next few weeks. Ciao!!

(I've been thinking of the 'wow' factor. Something that differentiates someone/something from the rest. Ever wondered what your wow factor is? Leave a line if you figured something out!)

I bend but I do not break.

I am copy-pasting an email I received. That's me and tonnes of my 20-something friends' lives in a nutshell. Tell me if you relate to it. :)

Being Twenty-Something.


They call it the "Quarter-life Crisis." It is when you stop going

along with the crowd and start realizing that there are many things

about yourself that you didn't know and may not like. You start

feeling insecure and wonder where you will be in a year or two, but

then get scared because you barely know where you are now.



You start realizing that people are selfish and that, maybe, those

friends that you thought you were so close to aren't exactly the

greatest people you have ever met. And the people you have lost touch

with are some of the most important ones. What you don't recognize is

that they are realizing that too- and aren't really cold, catty, mean

or insincere- but that they are as confused as you.



You look at your job- and it is not even close to what you thought

you would be doing. Or maybe you are looking for a job and realizing

that you are going to have to start at the bottom and that scares you.



Your opinions have gotten stronger. You see what others are doing and

find yourself judging more than usual because suddenly you realize

that you have certain boundaries in your life and are constantly

adding things to your list of what is acceptable and what isn't.


One minute, you are insecure and then the next, secure. You laugh and

cry with the greatest force of your life. You feel alone and scared

and confused.



Suddenly, change is the enemy and you try and cling on to the past

with dear life, but soon realize that the past is drifting further and

further away. And there is nothing to do but stay where you are or

move forward.



You get your heart broken and wonder how someone you loved could do

such damage to you. Or you lay in bed and wonder why you can't meet

anyone decent enough that you want to get to know better. Or maybe you

love someone but love someone else too and cannot figure out why you

are doing this because you know that you aren't a bad person.

One-night-stands and random hook ups start to look cheap. Getting

wasted and acting like an idiot starts to look pathetic.



You go through the same emotions and questions over and over, and talk

with your friends about the same topics because you cannot seem to

make a decision. You worry about loans, money, the future and making a

life for yourself. And while winning the race would be great, right

now you'd just like to be a contender!



What you may not realize is that everyone reading this relates to it.

We are in our best of times and our worst of times, trying as hard as

we can to figure this whole thing out.



Send this to your twenty-something friends- maybe it will help

someone feel like they aren't alone in their state of confusion... "I

bend but I do not break."

End of a chapter.

I have taken pride in saying I am a healthy mix of a South Indian and a North Indian. No I am not a mixed breed child but I am a South Indian by descent and a North Indian at heart, cuz that's where I grew up. I have the best of both worlds, is what I'd always say to people. That's thanks to my dad moving to central India 30 years ago. I stayed in all parts of the country - east, west, north, south - but home was always the Hindi land.

Today my parents are moving out of North of India and moving down south, closer to their brothers and sisters. Yes, me and my sister now have a world of our own and my parents are growing old. They feel the need to be closer to our blood ties. My heart aches at the thought of not being able to go back to those towns which I called home in the last 24 years.

They say you never really leave a place or person you love, part of them you take with you , leaving a part of yourself behind.

I'd love to write a few beautiful lines about all those small and big towns where I grew up but I think I am just too overwhelmed to be able to write. All I'd say is I will miss the hospitality, the easy-go attitude, all that amazing food, the colors in the fields and in the local markets. I will miss talking in Hindi like it were my mother tongue and I will miss the local festivals. I will miss the LML Scooters and I will miss the biting cold winters and scorching summers.

I will miss home.

Best friends are forever

You and me have taken joy in people's surprise by saying we've known each other for 20 years. Yes, 20 years is a bloody long time. In these 20 years, we've lived next door through all of childhood, tolerated each other  through weird stages of life like teenage and smoothly transitioned into adulthood as best friends. (Custom made best friends, as you like to put it.)

 

You called my mom once to ask her how to make Rasna and you've called me up a zillion times to ask gazillion questions - all while being next door neighbors, just a shout away. We had different best friends and different lives, unlike in movies. But you were always the constant of my life. I always took your presence for granted until one fine day when you had disappeared. And when you came back after that short act of disappearance, I just knew you are not the kinda friend one should let go of. 

 

I shout at you for silly reasons, knowing at the back of my mind that you aren't gonna go away. We fight and patch up on status messages, which I think is so cool. It saves us the embarrassment of confrontation. Hehehe. You shout on public forums about how my 'single' status surprises/irritates you. And then you cannot tolerate the thought of me dating someone. ( I can already hear what you will tell me on reading this!) You can listen to me ranting about things/people for hours and days. Just while I am convinced you are concerned, you will crack the silliest joke and make me feel like an idiot. You give me pep talk that can never go wrong.

 

And we told the entire world that we've promised to stay in the same time zone. You are on the verge of breaking that promise in the next few days. I covered up for your mistakes when we were kids. Looks like I have to do the same again, by traveling all the way and staying there till the time you are there. I never realized how far is very far, until the day you got your visa. You've said to me a dozen times already that you will be there, as always, but trust me other side of the world is a scary thing.

 

I know I have to remind you a million times to read this post and I also know you won't leave a comment because blogs are not your thing. But Sunny Boy, know that you've been my sunshine on all rainy days and my pillar when bad relationships and bad career moves were tearing me apart. You are the one person who hasn't made me feel insecure about what we are to each other, despite your steady relationships with half of the female population in town.

 

This post is a toast to us and our special bond. Much as I cringe at the thought of not seeing you for the next few years, I feel happy that you are chasing your dream in a way that leaves me beaming with pride. I know you will not find someone like me ever, but promise me that you won't substitute me with the next best thing. (The fact that you are going to the same town where your other best friend is, already makes me insecure!) Remember that I will still twist your arm when you goof up and will bore you to death over chat. :)

 

Best of luck.

 

Checklists.

She lived her life in check-lists. Check lists that had things completely controlled by destiny and check lists that money could tick. The check lists rarely left any space for impulses. In fact that's probably why she relied so much on them - to control her impulses.

Destiny had checked an item on one of her lists - of finding a well-paying job and a beautiful one bedroom apartment well within her budget. It was now time to make that call which had been on her list for the last 2 years. She had known him for 3 years and liked him from day 1. She mustered the courage to tell him that - twice. And both the times he hugged her and apologized for not feeling the same way. They moved on in life being good friends. Not those extremely close ones, but bankable friends when they wanted to talk in riddles.

She picked up the phone and he answered in less than 3 rings.

Her: "Hey! wassup?"

Him: "Girl! U tell me... how's the house hunting goin on?"

Her: "I finally found the kinda house I wanted. Not great, not bad. You remember the promise right?"

Him: "Sorry?"

Her: "I'm booking your flight tickets for Friday evening. You will help me set this house up right?"

Him: "Of course! I know you suck at all this. And girl, whats with you booking tickets? I can do that little bit to see you after what seems forever!"

Her: "I book or you book - I want to see you tomorrow before dinner time. Is that a deal?"

Him: "I am already looking for tix on MakeMyTrip. You hang up now. Will tell you the timings later."

She hung up, smiling to herself. So what if they weren't a couple. She wanted things in her house to echo his voice and presence. Unconditional love is what it is - she thought. She made a few more check-lists of what they'd go out buying.

She received him at the airport the next day at 7:30 PM. As they took the cab towards her unfurnished, barely liveable aparment, she gave him a small gift wrapped packet.

Him: "What's this?"

Her: "A gift. "

Him: "Offo! I know. But what's in it?"

Her: "Open no, idiot! It's a small bible. I wanted to give you something you believe in. I always carry a Hanuman Chalisa in my bag and it helps me all the time. Thought I'd draw a parallel and give you a Bible. It's a lovely book anyway. "

Him: "You know, you have your unique ways."

And he throws a bright smile towards her and they share a long gaze. She knows how it means nothing to him. But she enjoys the gaze anyway.

They reach her apartment and all he can say is - "Let's go get dinner." They go to a not-so-fancy restaurant to eat and catch a drink. She likes talking to him 2 drinks down - not very guarded but knowing what she is saying. They discuss books, movies, pubs, latest vacations and personal lives. Personal lives of course in riddles. They never spoke about it directly. They had no idea about who the other person was dating or any of those. They liked that comfort of being able to say just enough to get an opinion but not have their life opened like a tabloid.

They got home and with no TV to give them company, crashed on the floor with folded woolen wear for pillows. Alarm was set for 7:00 am so that they could finish breakfast and head out to buy stuff. They woke up a little before the alarm buzzed, had some coffee out of her little electric kettle, took a shower and headed.

They were out all day buying things from her checklist - 2 single beds, mattresses, pillows, curtains, a study table, 2 chairs, a long stool, clothes line, cook-ware, utensils, wine glasses, wall clock, side lamps, ash-tray, a small fridge. Everything to be delivered after 7 PM at the house. They grabbed a sandwich for breakfast and struggled through the day buying things. He was there to help her buy things that went well with the rest of the house and made the house definer her. She had no sense of aesthetics and he was as fine as an artist can get - just the right sizes, shapes and colors of everything.

They got home at a little before 7, tired as hell but excited to have all the hundred things delivered. Pizza was ordered at 9 and the house was starting to look a little like home by 11. At 11 her feet gave up and they decided to crash on the new mattresses of which even the plastic covers had not been removed.

Somewhere in the middle of the night she heard something being dragged in the room. Too tired to even open her eyes, she assumed he was making his way to the kitchen or the loo. After some time had passed, she could feel a light hand on her. She woke up with a startle and saw him lying next to her. He had dragged his mattress all the way to where she was. She smiled to herself and could see him smile in the darkness illuminated by a faint street light. They lay there for 10 minutes, not saying a thing and enjoying being so close to each other. He finally lifted his head and came close to her.

Her: "I want to tell you something. "

Him: "Anything. Say it."

Her: "A few months ago, I was in a similar situation with a guy I really liked. I gave in that night only to have him say the next morning that it was a mistake. I can never get that thing out of my head. You know how I've felt for you in the last 3 years, but I want you to go back to bed right now. Think over it. If you think it is a mistake, then good that is averted. But if you are convinced this is right, then I won't stop you tomorrow."

Him: "You know I've had the most respect for you among all the women I've known. I will wait for a day or a month - whatever you want me to wait for. "

He then pecked her on her forehead, said goodnight and they both slept.

The next morning was not what one would predict it to be. They did not have any ice between them. They were fully in terms with what had happened the previous night. And it was this comfort that made their relationship so special. They spent time until lunch sorting out the stuff and changing arrangements a zillion times to make the house look better.

They paused for lunch at about 2. The thing from last night had been playing on her mind all day - after all he had been in her thoughts despite the many men that came by and went in the 3 years. And as if he had read her mind, he said:

"I've been thinking about last night."

Her: "Me too. "

Him: "And I am so glad you said what you did. On second thoughts, it might have been a mistake putting us both and our friendship in a sticky situation."

He then walked up to her, gave her a tight hug and smiled his deadliest smile - the one that nabbed her 3 years ago. She smiled back and let out a long sigh. Before she knew it was evening and her house looked like a dream - with lovely faint orange lamps and beautiful curtains, it seemed like the coziest place in the world to be at. And before she knew it was time for him to take a flight back.

She dropped him at the airport and thanked him for the lovely time. She got home and took out her long checklists. She found the one labeled 'HOME' and checked the last box - Have D set up the house for me.

She took out another checklist labeled 'PERSONAL' and checked the 2nd box on it - Put your foot down. She kept looking at the last box in the list which said - Start afresh.

She couldn't help but wonder how all the men in her life had been so painfully predictable. She looked at her beautiful house and savoured it.

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Author's note: Inspired by many fellow bloggers who've been churning out stories. Please suggest a better title. I know it is painfully long, but I can't help but be elaborate! :D

11 things that make me smile :)

I know I know Ive been churning out one sad post after the other. That is so not me! People've been wondering where is the real happy jumpy super enthu me. I am right here! I wear this sadness mask every now and then for the heck of change you see, but alas, I can't play sadness for too long. So here I am with a list of things that make me very very happy. I also realized thats a good exercise to pause and to say thank you to life for what and how it is - beautiful. :)

1. Happy dreams about a good score

2. Seeing mom's pictures where her nose is all swollen up in the cold cold breeze!

3. Thinking about dad's exam fear at age 55. :D

4. Bitching about one best friend to another and then emailing the chat to the one bitched! Pleasures of life I tell you!

5. Knowing that mom dad are there. Right there.

6. Seeing sister all hassled after I have messed up the house. And hear her pseudo-angry rants.

7. Hearing my best friend scream my name with equal enthusiasm on calls each time we talk.

8. Day dreaming about my studio apartment that I will decorate my style.

9. The faith that people have in me after steady strings of failure.

10. When I meet someone who believes that the yummiest sandwiches in the world are made out of the potato remains from the previous night's aloo parathas.

11. Knowing that my best friend will ensure I am not leched at or touched by random men in overcrowded pubs because she will stick to me and hold me all through the night.

I know that was a random list but I think that's where the beauty lies. :)

Who will fix this mess?

Encore. Life on rewind-repeat. Once bitten, twice shy.

They are all for me.

Something that happened last year around the same time, is happening again. That incident changed me forever. I look back and think I wish I could still be as carefree, I wish I did not doubt everyone who sends me an email after a long break and I wish I did not twitch at sms-es from familiar strangers.

I wish I could trust as easily and talk without inhibitions.

A year is a long time. A long time to change a person - for better or for worse, only time will tell. But what I already know is that the me a year ago was a better person than the me I now am - a cynical bitch.

I don't say 'sink or swim, I am diving in' to myself anymore. I am just too scared to hit the bottom again. And some people are blissfully unaware of the damage that I am left to repair.

Who will fix this mess? Or at least help me believe that it is not so bad after all.

Or is it?

Lost now and lost forever.

PP asked me to write something, anything - as a reply to my last post. And considering she is one of my favorite people in blogosphere, an obedient friend, a nice and clean soul, a listener when I need to talk, shares my crazy dreams and above all laughs on my silly jokes - I would honor her request. This post is from my diary. Just a copy-paste from MS OneNote to Blogger. I wrote it in January on my way to Delhi from Bhopal to attend a friend's wedding.

I'm travelling alone after what seems like eternity. An A/C Chair car - a 7 hour journey in a 5-star coach. Feels like my 12 hour flight to London. What mixed feelings they were... Excited for the destination but the journey was spent creating boring PPTs in a claustrophobic BA flight...sigh!

I have a window seat and as I sat I sighed a loud sigh of relief... the kinds they show in movies - a distressed corporate woman finally on her 3 day annual vacation. I looked out of the huge windows as the train moved out of Bhopal into beautiful yellow mustard fields. After 5 mins I realized I was drifting into not so pleasant thoughts of my recent past. I told myself - "Remember what your boss told you today? You've earned this holiday. So stop thinking of stupid things and enjoy this. Can't you see it is so pretty?"

As always I started drawing analogies. The fields outside were so beautiful but they were beautiful from a distance. Just seeing those farmers toil in the hot sun (which added to the beauty of the fields) was so distressing. I then thought there are so many bittersweet things in life which are like that - we wanna be there, have that. For example be rich with all the money which comes with all the hours, days and years of hard work or being in love which we all want to but only know how difficult it is once we are in it.

But that's the deal - Does it keep us happy in the long run to be shut in the suffocating comfort of a 2X3 Airconditioned coach and look out of the window like we were jailed or do we want to toil it and make those beautiful yellow fields ourselves....?

And I jerked back to reality when I was offered some piping hot coffee. I went to the loo and experienced that dreadful sucction/vaccuum flush again. There is nothing I hate as much as the noise they make. That's a big reason why I hate long distance flights. Those sounds.. damn!

I came back to my seat and decided to sleep for that's the only way to rejuvenate after 3 professionally and personally difficult months.

And sleep cheated me this time.

...and I am back (for a little while though!)

I know I know Ive been off for too long! I've been busy vacationing, pampering little kids and getting pampered by elders. What a good life, aah!

I don't have too much to write except that I went to Kerala on vacation and was in awe of the place! The greenery is just mind blowing. I also realized, for the Nth time, that I am a city girl - out and out. Each time I am visiting an exotic location my head and heart tell me I can live there in peace and solitude forever but in exactly 3 days I start missing the bustling traffic and lousy malls where there is either too much or nothing to buy! :D

I also went to our Holy place, Tirupati - after 23 years and I think the God must have been some dude to have such crazy fan following! We had a VIP entry to the place so it took us only 45 mins to get to the Sanctum Sanctorum but for people who had come there for 'Sarva Darshan' had to stand in that claustrophobic queue for 10 hours just to catch a glimpse of the God. I can tell you that some training in Bombay locals will help you stand there for anywhere between 2 to 5 seconds to get a view of the idol, otherwise you will come out after suffering blows and pushes from all directions - and feeling abysmally low cause you couldn't see/feel/experience any divinity.

As predicted, my extended family has been casting doubts about my ambitions - and have been asking me to be more realistic. But my parents are by me for whatever I do, so that is all that matters! My brother's younger boy is ADORABLE! He is the naughtiest thing I have ever seen but he is just tooo cute!

India lost the match last night... sigh! RP Singh and Rohit Sharma can find someone else for themselves. I don't love them anymore. :|

I realized that the friends I used to speak 3 times a day to, I now only speak to them once in 3 weeks - no prizes for guessing, they are all married. Hmph! But I really couldn't care less. (Damn, did I just lie?)

I am job hunting and hoping I find one before my rapidly depleting bank account touches the big zero.

I have 2 weeks to go for a make-or-break exam and I have been royally chillin' for the last 2 weeks which means I'll be seen less often on blogosphere. I must now get back to books and must spend my spare time looking for work :|

So am off for now and I will keep reading blogs and commenting, though I dont think I will write much myself. See u later peeps!

A note to my brother

They say you were my mom's body guard when she was pregnant with me. You were the first one to hold me - even before my mother or my father. You thought I looked like a monkey with all the hair on my head. You thought all baby's were born bald. You wanted to take me out to your friends the very day I was born and you cried for 10 days since they won't let you take me anywhere. 

You taught me how to toss candy in the air and make it land right into my mouth - a skill I am still so proud of. You made me sit on the bar in your cycle and I swear bhai, that hurt. But I never complained, you know why? Because I loved you more than anyone else in the world - probably more than my own sister. 

You went to Pilani and wrote to me every week. I wanted to grow up so fast and catch up with you. You told me when you had your first crush - I look back and think 12 years is quite an age gap to be confiding in a little cousin sister. You said you loved that girl and wanted to be with her. I loved her even before I knew her name - just because you loved her. 

You got married and I bought so many clothes for your wedding because I wanted to see you smile each time I looked pretty. But I caught you smiling, looking at me when you thought I was fast asleep. I wasn't big enough to know what that meant, but I now know you wanted a daughter like me and you couldn't help it but feel happy to have me. 

You were the success story the entire family spoke of - the prodigal child with photographic memory and an undeterred will to ace in whatever he did. And you loudly conveyed your wish to see me take over your place and get all the worldly success. I was a blind follower. You loved me so much. I wanted to do only that which you thought was right. I wanted to prove to you that I was good at whatever I did, that I would stand up to your expectations.

Well the word expectations is so heavy I did not know. I was growing up in my own world - learning something new about myself every single day. But somewhere wrongly assuming that you would stand by me in whatever I did. You hated the boys I liked. And I couldnt convince myself that I liked the wrong boys. You hated the courses I pursued. And I couldnt convince myself that I made wrong career choices. 

Today you are 36 with 2 sons and without a daughter like me. Today you are a success story that the world swears by. Today I love you just as much as I did when I was a day old. But today you think of me as a directionless adult. 3 days later when I will receive you at the airport, I know you will give me a not-so-warm hug and you will fire questions at me - and I will be at loss of words trying to explain why I want to do what I want to do. 

I hope someday, when you grow older, you will appreciate your little sister's will to do what she wanted to, and smile seeing her smiling face. She will smile not because she prove a point, but because her brother loves her for what she is and not for what she has. I hope you will tell your sons to follow their heart, even if it means they want to become florists and mechanics. 

And I hope someday you also, will follow your heart.

Dark Art Studio

May 28, 2009, Thursday.

Utopia: "You'll call them up and take an appointment?"

Me: "Ok cool. I am SO excited!"

Utopia: "Sorry I am making you do all the dirty work..."

Me: "Shut up. It's ok. I'll see you on Saturday."

Saturday June 30, 2009. 

10:00 AM

Utopia: "I got an appointment for 2:30. I will see you at Hard Rock Cafe at 1. We'll go from there."

Me: "Ok cool, one last time at HRC. I'll see you there."

1:00 PM over SMS

Me: I've reached. I am sitting outside. 

Utopia: I am stuck in traffic...so sorry.

Me: It's ok. come.

1:20 PM 

Utopia: "Hieee!"

Me: "Hiee!!!!"

Utopia: "We'll quickly catch a smoke and go."

Me: "No!! I haven't eaten a thing since morning. We'll eat."

Utopia: "Oh! look who's hungry, ok we'll eat and go."

An order for a veg sandwich (for me) and Chicken Pita Pockets (for her) was placed. We finished less than half of our servings and decided we could eat no more. It was time to go hunting for some Plot No. 34/11, Fraser Town. 

After 10 mins of non-sensical giggling about tying scarves like dacoits and behaving 100 pc puneri and after pretending to be hot chics wearing hot sun glasses and drooling over a nice looking boy in a Yamaha bike, we realized we have no idea where we are headed to. 

We were clueless about the place so was the auto driver. After having looked for Polytechnique college instead of a Polyclinic and after walking down the same street a couple of times (with some ATM mishaps en route) we figured out the place and reached a house with a small studio tucked somewhere in the corner. There were people smoking ciggs, drawing immaculate pictures of devils turning angels and intestines popping out of mouths and similar complex things. We had reached Dark Art Tattoo studio. 

We waited there burning time (quite literally) ridiculing a crazy woman who wanted to look hip n full of life with her sidey clothes and sidi-er tattoos. Some SMSes were exchanged bitching about her and praising the 'guy in a white tee' (since we couldn't talk loud.) We even thought we could talk in Bengali (her) and Oriya (me) since the 2 languages are so similar. We followed not a word of what the other person said. haha!

We spoke to people waiting to get tattoos done and we spoke to people doing them. We got bored. It was close to 4 o clock. We took out our iPods - I started with Kelly Clarkson's Addicted and she started with Plain White Ts Hey there Delilah. We moved on to RHCP and Matchbox 20 and 3 doors down. And I realized I had to save whatever little charge was left in the iPod for my long ride to the airport later in the evening. Now we started listening to her iPod with one ear fone each. And we heard 'ain't no sunshine.' 

Utopia: "I am my own sunshine."

Me: "hmm... good. I am glad."

Me: "you know what will my tattoo be?"

Utopia: "Get the Harvard logo done" 

Me and Utopia: "hahahaha" for about 5 mins.

Me: "No. I will get a post-it size note pinned up with a message on it - I want to own all the books in the world." Like this: 

Me: "I was dying when she was clearing blackheads off me in the parlor. I will get myself a tattoo it seems. huh."

And we giggle again.

And then the skinny, drug addict looking boy came to draw the outline on Utopia - for she was the one getting the tattoo. (I will leave the description for her to write on her blog.) Yayy! It was finally her turn to get etched in ink - for the second time! 

A skinny, 'I'll-be-dead-in-3mins' looking girl started to work the driller on her and the ease with which Utopia sat there talking and smiling was awesome. In the middle of it, I got a call saying the flight is to land at 6 45 and not 7 45 - which meant I had to run. We exchanged quick hugs, knowing we will not see each other again for the next few months or maybe even years - who knows. 

I took an auto and I could not believe I have met this girl exactly 4 times and that she knows me like I know myself. I could not believe my heart will skip a beat even thinking about having her gone and not having her weave dreams for me. 

Utopia, I just hope it is the end for a new beginning. This tattoo date was one of the most memorable days of my life for more reasons than one. As you board the train to a far off land today, I know that we will meet again - probably with some dreams from the many we have, having come true. I hope we will giggle just as much and I hope we will have some more castles to build in the air. 

"and if our hands meet in another dream we'll build another tower in the sky."