GMAT fever - Back with vengeance!

After days and weeks of contemplation and procrastination, I finally plan to spend a few hours with books today. Nail the bitch has again become the mantra of my life. I did what we all GMAT aspirants in India do when we plan - doing an MBA, taking a GMAT date, buying books, writing applications and choosing schools - login to www.pagalguy.com. 

PaGalGuy has this weird thing to it. It can send you through a wave of emotions in ten minutes flat. The 1st instance, when you read a happy post of someone having scored a 750, you are all geared up and you feel positive. The whole 'Of course I can do it' thing flows in you like an electric wave. Then you read the rest of the related posts. Someone used to get these 730s in GMAT Prep and ended up with an abysmal 600 something in the real test. Reading this post is frustration step -1. For some it is awakening, knowing that GMAT Prep test is not the benchmark and for some, like me, it is confusion and restlessness. 

You then desperately walk through all posts and analyze and over analyze various mock scores and what 620 in Kaplan means or what 700 in MGMAT means. Then you read about esnips and go download a few popular things hoping they will be your treasure. 

While you do all this, one thing you know for sure is - Only basics can take you there. Knowing your formulae, knowing your VA strategies, loads of practice and analyzing your mistakes is what can help you pin the devil down. 

And then there is the ultimate gyaan. You have heard it before and you will hear it everyday until you take the test - Keep your calm. Don't panic. Now this is one piece of advice I royally ignored and precisely why I am having to go through the pain of taking the exam again. 

If I had to reflect on my mistakes with all honesty, then the list would be rather short but grave: 

Quitting my job for the sake of GMAT - My plan was that the pressure of joblessness will drive me to work harder than ever before. That was the mistake. I assumed that I can't discipline myself while working. Never Ever quit when you are planning on an exam. 24 hrs are way too long and you will only end up killing all of it since so much time in hand is such a welcome change. Work pressure will force you to devote at least 2 solid hours of prep everyday whereas joblessness will make you think of all the hobbies you did not pursue and will prompt you to relax and slow down and blah! 

Panic - Life and death fear with the exam. This was a direct result of the 1st mistake. Having quit a well-paying and an 'up-and-to-the-right' learning curve at Google, I had an inherent fear of - what if this does not work out. And that was what took me down. I was so damn scared on the day of exam and I told myself so many times to not be scared that the mix was potent. I was extremely scared and extremely confident despite the fear. Through the exam I kept believing I am doing well, when I was not. (Though I still believe the algorithm for quants was fucked beyond repair!) 

Time pass/waste - Again, the root lies in the whole quitting drama. I was so overwhelmed with all the time I had in hand, and the good home food and mother's undivided attention after eight long years that GMAT just became a part of the day instead of being the day. I would wake up early, sit with my books, partly asleep and thinking of coffee. Then I would drag myself to the kitchen, have some hot coffee, stand in the balcony, marvel at the beautiful mornings and get into some weird dream world. I had no clue how the day used to pass and at 5 sharp I would be wearing my tracks and t-shirt and my i-pod and all set to go for a run! I would come back, look at the beautiful evenings and wait for it to be night time when it would be my official reading time. Grab my book, tuck myself in, read until my eyes droop and sleep blissfully thanking Marquez and Salinger! 

Too many post-exam plans - I had the tightest ever post-exam agenda. It was so precise that it shocks me now. It started from 5:30 PM D-Day when I come out of the test center up until the same day, next month! The excitement was so much that I barely stopped thinking of the good times and in fact spent long hours over the phone with friends making elaborate vacation plans! 

I am planning to re-do the entire thing. I will take it slow and go steady this time! I will not spend forever analyzing someone else's preparation and will be honest to myself. God! the rest is up to you! 

And I finally voted...

I finally feel like an Indian. I exercised my most important right as an Indian citizen - the right to vote. While I patiently stood in the queue, I wondered if it is appropriate to call it a 'right'. Should it not be a duty - rather a 'mandatory' duty instead?

I casted my first ever vote on the day when India faced the worst ever terror attacks. Mumbai was split wide open with major breach in security by the Intelligetsia and by all other security agencies. Huge amounts of explosives and 20-something terrorists sneaked into - in fact swam into my country - so easily! My faith in the entire system shook with this incident and I wondered if my vote would make a difference. The answer was frustrating to start with, but the long hour at the queue in the polling booth gave me a whole new perspective on elections and the nation. 

My polling centre was at one of the most  up-town localities of the city. In the entire booth, I could count 6 people, including myself, mum and dad who seemed educated. The entire queue (which was rather long) was of people who were well below poverty line. I was proud of them. Proud of the fact that they exercised their most important right as citizens of the world's biggest democracy. They do not know what difference the next finance minister can make to India's standing in the global economy, but what they do know is who is that one person who can give them the basics of food, clothing, and shelter. They at least made a choice. 

I now think that each and every educated person of this country who has a strong opinion (that is probably 90% of the educated junta!) about economics and politics and state of affairs - has no right to make any negative comment, unless they exercise the right to vote. So far, we only cribbed about how the country lacks good leadership and how the government is always wrong. It is wrong not because we chose the wrong people, but because we never exercised the right to choose! 

Guys, go get that voter's ID card, not because it is the next best thing after your passport, driving license and PAN card - but because it is probably your passport, PAN, and license to creating a better India. Spend a few hours understanding state of affairs and elect the right candidate. 

It is time India boasted of Quality rather than quantity! 

And when I heard shiver...

I was listening to Shiver by Coldplay. Has anybody paid attention to the lyrics? To me, it was always a track with some good background music. It was only today that I paid attention to the words and I was surprised by the hatred they produced in me. It is a love song. A suffocating love song - where the girl is all he sees and apparently she looks through him. She wanted him to change and he changes for good. He needs her damn bad but she could not care less. 

It is that typical love without a purpose. One of those meaningless chases. Probably the ones which stem out of self-pity or joblessness or inferiority or one of those extremely putting-off traits. I can sort of see the part-2 of the song. She will finally turn and look and he will start running. Running in the opposite direction and he will run so fast that he will never want to see her again. Because I think that's what obsessive meaningless love does to you. You lose yourself all of a sudden and when you realize that you have over played the love, it strikes you hard on your face and you want to kill that love and all forms of love that are in you. 

All people who fall into such meaningless love - should go die. They add no value to the society except for a few extremely suffocating love songs. :|

So it's like this - It was my first day in a new school. KG II to be precise (Yes, Pre primary.) My favouritest teacher so far, Mrs. Balan was teaching B for Bell when I entered the class. She asked me to sit on the 2nd desk from front. Back then, I din't know how to say 'Hi' or shake hands and give a Jinu smile and say - My name is Jinu... We must have probably smiled at each other or something... I wonder what we did... but we did have lunch together that day and for every single day after that for the next 9 years. We laughed together, cried together and I think even fought. It was our eighth grade when she moved to Bombay and when we started writing letters. Just like so many other people in the world, we developed our own friend circles and though we wrote to each other (letters, not emails) we somehow lost touch by grade X. 

Then technology helped us trace each other (we had obviously not forgotten each other but had just lost touch.) Orkut happened to us and we were over messanger services, chatting and sharing pictures and updating each other. 

And then finally, yesterday, we met. We met after ELEVEN years and we easily started from where we had left. We knew that we would hug each other and would systematically cover the eleven years - career, friends, and love life - in that order. Our calculations suggested that even if we spent an hour per head for every year of those 11, we would need 22 hrs to catch up. We grossly underestimated the required hours and I have spent 2 sleepless nights and super busy days talking to her. Staying up all night with work the next morning had never been so much fun! 

Thanks Shilpi, for coming back. :)

what i want?

Well, all I ask for is some strength to conserve my self-respect and my sanity! 

Now we know why you love us!

And it is so easy for us girls to pep ourselves up! My mood was all screwed up with some people acting weird. My newest friend J.A had this thing to say - Jinu listen, men come and go. If they can't confront a problem or can't be by your side when you want them to, show them your middle finger! Unfortunately middle fingers from here won't be seen that far away, so..! J.A says - Girl, let's go do the girl thing! And before anyone knew we were at a nearby salon! We got these reallyyyy hot hair cuts, and boy, we were a sight! We were at least 20 times happier than before. I mean we were not happy at all in the morning and when we stepped out of the salon, we felt like princesses! Our faith in ourselves was instilled that men ARE in fact the most easily available commodity in the world! 

The plan for the rest of the day is to go to the Body shop store and indulge into some lip smacking lip glosses, hair products to kill and the newest CK Perfume!! (yes, savings a/c, here I come to empty you out!) Post this, I pick up the newest football shoes at Nike and we go and hog on Pani Puri and samosas! The whiff last evening at the push cart on peer gate just drove us mad and we can't wait to head there today! 

Each passing day I realize the importance of chic friends and the great deal that it is being a girl! We at least do not sulk forever over things which are not that grave, we face our problems, confront the people we do not like, accept it when we are being irrational and own up to our mistakes, we take duties along with rights, live up to be good and live it up! Hair cuts make us happy and mum's smiling face means the world to us! Damn! know I now why men fall for us... we are so awesome after all! 

The world's beautiful! Save it guys!

Suddenly the whole world seems to be shopping! My debt and salary cheque, fortunately or unfortunately are the same amount! Not only do I have no money to go shopping, I do not even have any motivation! Everyone I am talking to off late, seems to be wanting to talk about the newest thing they bought or something they are just about to buy! 

Peeps! Retail therapy is not the only therapy! Try literature/music therapy too! Damn I am so tempted to give some gyaan about being ambitious and wanting material pleasures. I want to tell everyone that it is fine to want and even have an iPhone but you cannot go on wanting and buying things one after the other and only then feel happy. I want to tell people that we should refrain from buying so fast and disposing so fast and increasing toxic wastes starting from production, going on to consumption and continuing up until disposal...! I mean I could not care less about the next generation but guys it is OUR freakin generation that's going to see the ill effects! No please do not become saints, that is not even the point but buy wisely guys! Buy only when necessary. Shop only when you need the things, not to reassure yourself against some stupid emotional insecurities! 

I will urge everybody reading this post to please go through this video and if you still do not think you need to reduce shopping, then I swear, you need help buddy! 

People! reduce shopping, reduce waste and save the world! 

Mind it! we DO notice if shoes are polished!

So I just realized its my blog and I have not posted anything about the person I love the most in the who world (galaxy even!) - My sister! Yes, Sonali, Sony, Chonikudi, chonee and a lot of other censored names go with her. She teaches Banking and Finance to Banking Management students at Manipal University. She is the queen of PJs and I am almost always into tears with her extremely crazy sense of humor which erupts at all inappropriate times! 

She had a new batch of students yesterday and as always, I thought she'd be damn thrilled and would short list a few cute guys and say - "Jinu! there is this guy, I am sure you will like him!" So at about lunch I checked on her about the new batch and here went the conversation:

Me: Hi Kanna

Sony - Hi... 

Me: Your new batch has arrived? How was it?

Sony: It was ok... 

Me: hmmm.. you do not sound too happy this time

Sony: Tell me one thing... aren't you supposed to polish your shoes on the first day at an institute? :( 

And there it was! You never know what will trouble Sony! She was so put off that she decided to dislike the entire batch! I will check with her again in a few days and see if she manages to get over unpolished shoes! 

All work and some play keeps Jinu so damn happy!

Life has been awesome so far! Attention deficit from one end is being taken care of by loads of other friends! Really, friends are the most important, irreplaceable things of my (anyone's) life! I can kill my friends if I feel like it and they will not as much as utter a word. Wish other important people were like my friends too! sigh! :( But never mind, life's beautiful still! 

My best friend's going to start living in with his girl friend, another good friend got an interview call from Harvard (yayyy!!) and I will get a new hire to work with me!!! I am looking forward to a drinking night tonight with some friends and some awesome music! 

There is so much I learn here everyday, obviously the hard way, since we are just a start-up. I can see first hand that the most important lesson to build a strong organization is to hire the right people. Yes, if you hire level A people, you will get A+ work, if you hire B level employees you get C level work and if you hire C level employees, then you do not get any work. And if you are so dumb that you hired below C level employees, then honestly, you wont last longer than a year. You would have come so far away and you would be so lost that even hiring the entire Harvard pass outs for that year cannot bring you up. Also, hiring the right people is when you hire either of the 2: (1.)  People who take immense ownership. Who will mould themselves as required just so that they are able to deliver. Even if they are not big shot management graduates or do not carry 10 years of learning behind them, as long as they take the project as a personal mission, the organization will look up. Else hire (2.) Extremely focused, career oriented individuals who see the organization's success as a plus on their resume, who will be ruthlessly clever to make it work and who will sweat it out. 

And if you have a decent mix of the As and Bs - you will work wonders with whatever your concept is. But there are other things as well. The ideator should never feel like the boss with his core set of guys. He should feel like a team, not even the team-lead. There are always a bunch who do the mundane but extremely important tasks - developers, marketing guys etc. Bossism is at its best while working with these guys. But thats the catch. Though they might not be ideating, they must still feel they are a part of the big guys gang - not just employees. Because they are the ones who will do and redo work for you. They are the ones who will immensely multi task to cater to your ever increasing demands of technology and will keep the quick buck flowing. The bosses might need to do some micro management to ensure work happens, but all in all, acknowledgment and rewards must be given to these guys first. After all, the management does not deserve a pat on its back for at least the first 2 - 3 years. Walls erected does not mean anything after all! 

Meanwhile, contingencies must be looked at. An employee suddenly quits for some reason, or has a medical urgency that leaves vacuum in the management circle is something that can be extremely difficult to cope up with. Believing that your first set of guys will stick on for 2 years is almost as good as entering into denial mode and saying you will live forever! There are so many other things like being systematic and organized, proper delegation of authority, time-off and small drinking nights of bonding etc that can work wonders while you are still to lay the foundation. 

Phew! That was quite a bit of gyaan in there for someone as new me in this corporate world! I wonder how much more and how rapidly am I going to learn! After all can't wait to be the CEO and straight jump in to become a paint scrapper! 

The copy-paste regime - from my old blog.

Just copy-pasting stuff from my old blog. Why? Because I read this post and I am yearning to feel that way again...sigh! 

monday, october 16, 2006

I have realized what a beautiful thing it is to give and not expect anything in return. To my mind this phenomenon was only in theory. But I have grown to realize that the most cherished moments of our lives are the ones where we have unconditionally given and not asked back for anything and not the ones where we have received something. Of course there always are those winning moments. Winning a speech competition in school or an essay writing in college. But again, come to think of it, there is a broader smile when you think of that moment when you fell in love that one sudden instant and you just thought you could endure anything for this one person.
I am in love all over again. And again in a happy way because I don’t know why I like the person I like! The mere fact that you like the person and not the things he or she is or has is a blessing on its own.
Only for the right reasons. Rather not for any of the wrong reasons. Not a singer, dancer, painter, writer. 1st time liked someone for nothing. Not for the person he is or what he has. 1st 'why' in life without an answer and surprisingly I am not even looking for one. I am hoping nothing and I am not sad. Anxiety free. Flying high like a balloon. This will not even last forever. Perfect in no way, yet so immaculate in its own silly style.
And then hopes shatter into pieces like a glass slab in the most trite way ever. I am back to my eternal journey of seeking answers straight and complex. Why and why not of an event. I hate the answers I get.
It is funny how I dont think of that person anymore. In a matter of just a few days. It is kinda strange. Again, so human and so imperfect. That is why it is so lovable. I don't miss those cute earstudds, or those deep hazel eyes. I don't miss that stupid smile and I don't think of that gold chain. I am so unaffected and that is such a blessing.
I am sure this post will not make sense to anybody reading it. But I dont care much.. I am glad if someone can relate to what I am saying but if not, I have no concerns.
Simplicity simplified. The final person I wish to be.

Be My Couch.

Someone asked me what I wanted my perfect relationship to be like. Here you go! THIS is what I want. 

And I want to talk. I want to talk to you when I like a song and I want to talk to you when I read a book. I want to talk when I eat an ice cream and I want to talk when I blog. I want to talk so much that you know me like I know myself. And I want you to talk. Talk when you do all those things you do and talk so much to me that I can predict your smile and your frown. Talk so much - and know you so well that - you are like a cabbage. The same - layer after layer. And then there are no nasty surprises or pleasant shocks. Then there is comfort. You become a part of me. My hands don't bother me and my feet do not make me happy anymore. That is how I want it. Have you like my hands and feet. Essential yet trivial. I want to know you so much that your sarcasm is second nature to me. I am at peace with who and what I am. I want to know you so much that you are like that couch in my room whose presence does not mean much but whose absence bothers me. 

Me and my baby...!

And I am all nostalgic. And repenting time spent the not-so-wise way. Nidhi put on music on her laptop and the next thing - I was smiling. I was home. (If home is where the heart is.) I could not help it but move it with Nidhi, our style. Our connection with dancing is beyond what words can explain. I am always in this trance, where I forget people and things when I am dancing with her. I have 2 left feet which cannot otherwise dance. But if it is me and Nidhi, boy are we a duo! While I type this I can see us dance. We have had our share of shaking a leg at home, decking up like twins to clubs and moving it. Dancing, drinking and just being us. From Sean Paul's 'temperature' to Ishq Bector's 'Aye hiphopper', from 'Kiya Kiya' to Tokyo Drift, we had covered it all and danced like no ones business! 

They were right. Girl friends are irreplaceable. Try as you can, but no one can give me those moments of making omlettes, cooking for random guests, rides across the town, grocery shopping, dancing in the rain, cuddling up next to each other and reading, endless conversations over adrak wali chai and hari wali daal, from the salon visits to the heart-shaped balloons to ice creams, from hogging like pigs at restaurants and downing drinks like drunkards, from being called twins to being called husband-wife, we have seen far more than what he had planned to. I can't go on with my 3 years of love affair with my best friend but all I can say is - It was something to last for a lifetime. Love you girl. 

Back to the grind.

And I feel unlike myself. When the purpose is to just be me. I am painfully close to myself and aware that I will make the same mistakes again. Push you away till you either fly and fall far away or come back with vengeance like a boomerang. 

And I wont miss you because we've hardly been together. And I won't be happy that I know you since I do not really know you. And you won't ask me what happened like my girls would. Because you cannot read the signs. And you would not know that it is not PMS, but just me. And you cannot be the friend I do not have an ego with. Because my ego is at its worst best when I think of you. No, I wont call you like I would call my friends and pester them in the middle of the night craving for attention. No, I would never do that. And I wonder how long there is to go after we have come all this while - this fast. Yes, 2 days were all we had to call it a day. 

And I would persevere. 

And when boredom sets in...

My sister warned me - Do NOT get bored this time. And I promised her I wont. It looks like this is the Nth time I am breaking the same promise. What do you do when you have not the faintest idea of what bores you so much. The boredom is not of the person. People are great. Lovable. But it is the ritual. The process is killjoy. The same ol' - Making phone calls and waiting for them. Life just goes on otherwise. You go to work, you get home, you sleep. It is a rewind-play cycle. You play the same side of the record and you have no clue what's on the other side. The other side is probably as boring as this side. And you do not want to try it - for you are scared it will be worse. There is nothing to look forward to. It is as predictable as it can get. The life side of the record can be played all over again each day but the love side of the record? You can't do it more than a couple of times. The boredom sets in and you chuck the record out of the window. And that is when you realize that you threw life out too. 

But how does it matter anyway? You were bored to death. Sometimes you can't even chuck the record - for you just bought it a couple of days back. And you were longing to buy it. You knew it was going to be the same trite mundane noise in the name of music. But you can't help it. You are a love-sick puppy and any record that seems to play the love song, you will get it. And damn! the record sucked! You wait for a couple of months because you can't chuck it that soon after all. You feel guilty. You have nothing against the record. It is just that the instruments are the same. And all that you thought would be music turned out to be noise. Noise all the time. The artist is great but he can't help it but churn out noise. And you'd probably get used to some noise some day and keep it forever. 

And the rest is destiny. 

All over again.

GMAT - depression - phone calls.  Drunken nights - sarcasm - foot-in-mouth - phone calls - fun.  Vacation plans - randomness - scepticism. Tickets - lies - vacation.  Deli 9- sick coffee - sick sandwich - cab - sickness - sleep.  Resort - no A/C - Billy Connolly - Drinking.  Drunkenness - Jumping walls - jumping rocks - jumping swings. Tying shoe laces - melting hearts - holding back. Throwing up - sleeping - sleeplessness. Breakfast - Timepass - Drinking - drunkenness - dusk.  Slip ups - drunken confessions - drunkenness gone.  Spots - looks by friends - Ointments.  Happiness - sadness - mixed feelings.

Contentment Overall. 

Things are not that bad after all. 'The I-will-be-myself' remains. There are no promises and red-roses. There are no fancy dates and 'what next' concerns. Living it, and living it fully. Living it becasue we deserve to. Just the way it is meant to be. 

Of drunken nights and phone calls

Each morning I wake up and tell myself - "It is so unbecoming of a 20 something professional to be over the phone till late in the night like she were a 16 year old." But as the day ends with a SMS asking me if I am free, I say yes without hesitation, since I AM actually free at that hour! And then the drunkenness translates into singing, sarcasm and foot-in-mouth (chewed and ruminated) The fun thereafter is inexplicable. After all it is nice to just be! Just be and to not pretend. Just be and not wonder what the other person means to you. Just be and talk. Just be and not feel the pressure of expectation. Just be and be able to spell out who you are and to not play guessing games. I hope a beautiful vacation follows the fun phone calls and does not change the letting to be.

Of start-ups and hiccups...

I came across this beautiful write up on Subroto Baghchi's blog. It talks about start-ups and how things happen or ought to happen. I guess none of my usual visitors can draw much sense out of it yet, but if you were working for a start-up, like I am, then you would be in a better position to appreciate what I have copy-pasted below: 

Three people do not build a corporation; they build a 10-people team. That team in turn goes on to build another team of ten. So, spend significant time on the strategic vision with all the senior hires. Pay attention to the on-boarding process - it begins well before the person actually comes on board. Do not wait until the joining date. From the time you have made up your mind on the right person, keep engaged and involved with exchange of ideas, information and advice until he or she actually comes on board. This is obviously within the boundaries of business sense - you do not want to take risks in matters of intellectual property either way - make sure you are not compromising yours nor are you contaminating someone else’s. After all, the person is still not part of your organization and until someone has been “badged in”, there are limits to how far you can go.

Finally, the start-up gets into stage 3 of its orbit. It is no longer a rag-tag army - or a bunch of toddlers. Now the organization has people, customers, multiple branches, systems and processes. Probably the organization is three years old!

It is time now to shed some and gain some. Taking on from Arjun, Mohinish recommends that the original team now must shift from an overwhelmingly inward focus, to an external one.

This is the time to pay attention to building a strong middle-management; it is time to focus on the robustness of operations.

Original teams rely strongly on innovation, finding solutions on the fly, trying out things never tried before and using the inventive capacity all the time.

Now, innovation alone would not do, you must build domain capability as well. Imagine you are a company that started in the wireless area. Now you have to say what you do in wireless for automotive sector, wireless in medical sector or wireless for entertainment application development! The kind of teaming required in the early stage and what you need now to build bodies of expertise are going to be very different.

Going forward, this is also the time that you have to be choosy about the kind of culture you want to take with you.  All that worked before, is not going to work going forward.

In the beginning, every one pitches in. That is what built energy, camaraderie and the romantic concept of the garage! Things now must get systematic; people cannot just be doing heroic stuff all the time. People must build respect for groups and not just individuals. Quite often, as the transition happens, the original group feels disenchanted - people miss their childhood, so to speak, and cling on. Childhood days may be beautiful but imagine remaining growth-stunted!

Teams must collectively move on; in the process they must shed some old behavior and adopt new best practices. Arjun Erry was looking at issues related to acquiring key talent that completes the team. In doing so, he underlined the importance of always going the extra mile to hire the “A” players. It is tough selling, but often the most critical first step in giving booster power to the rocket. Why “A” players? “Because”, “A”s hire “A”s, then the “B”s come. What do the “B”s do? They go and hire the “C”s. Before you know you have diluted the genetic pool of the organization and that can well mean the difference between a high performance company and just another start-up.

You can read the write-up in entirety out here: 

http://www.mindtree.com/subrotobagchi/of-start-ups-high-performance-teams-part-2/#more-48