Freedom of action, not consequence.

Ok I know all the jazz about it being of little consequence when we start pondering over decisions already taken. The deal here is, this one decision I was so proud of until last evening is making me miserable today. Here goes the long story -

 

7 months ago, I chose to come back home and stay with family, after eight long years,  to a rather small town. This small town has no one that I can refer to as 'friends' and a 'friend circle' except for this little college going kid who is my only source of arbit muse.  Now, as most of you would know (personally or through the blog) I have always been surrounded by a whole bunch of  friends - beer buddies, emo buddies and the likes.  I haven't had a routine or schedule per se in any of those 8 years. I haven't slept for more than 4 - 5 hours each night. Socializing, drinking, getting wasted after all demands time!

 

And the days I wasn't socializing, I would either sit at that corner table at Barista - sip Brrista Frappe, smoke about 6 classic milds and either talk non-stop or listen non-stop. (Or maybe read/gaze non-stop.)Then there was always my iPod - fully charged around my neck like a school-tie. If I wasn't willing to get bitten by mosquitoes at 8 PM and drag myself out of the coffee shop, I'd go home straight from office - switch on the little TV, sit on the bean(less) bag or the long comfy cane chair with a drink (smirn-off was ever present in our apartment) and our oh-so-famous eco-friendly ash tray* and get semi high. (More because of the milds than the smirnoff) I would then either make Dal chawal for myself (and if required for NB and cams) or ask Cams to get something packed for me to eat. I would blissfully watch TV, interrupted by ever-welcome phone calls from sister dear.

 

Or sometimes plug my iPod to the huge creative speakers, play some insane bhangra/club music and try damn hard to shake a leg (I have 2 left feet, but I manage dancing at clubs with some close friends.) These were also the times when I would think about the long spans of (not-so)single-dom (that my friends do not comprehend. I have a knack of attracting/getting attracted to Mr. Wrongs.) And then naturally, I like to think of things that are supposed to be more in my control - like higher studies. So there are these recurring thoughts of taking GMAT and fleeing to a far off land.

 

And on that one day when NB and Cams, the catalysts of my thought process were not in town - I put down my papers at Google. I was convinced that only all the stress and pressure of being jobless can make me focus on GMAT. I (wrongly) thought I was done with drinking, smoking, getting wasted. Little did I know that though that wasn't me in entirety, it was a large part of me for sure - No, not the drinking smoking, but I missed being by myself and the randomness that comes along.

 

I was too eager to pack up and leave - and I did. No divine force told me that these are the last few precious months with Cams before he ties the knot or before NB moves to Delhi. And the taking the test and screwing it up like never before, is all history. Oh how can I forget, GMAT also brought along bloody relationship(t)s and dumb, unnecessary heart breaks. Hmph!

 

Fast forwarding from September 2008 until yesterday evening.

 

I told NB last evening how proud I was of myself for having broken out of the Google comfort zone (I still am.) but today - today is the day of reckoning. I am very sure I am stuck in the painful number game (I love my parents just too much to want to break out of it right now.) I am 24, so by 26 I should finish MBA so that either I find a boy or they find me one and then I 'settle down.' Yes, settle down in an ugly and monotonous routine. Like the one I have now - wake up, have breakfast, go to work, come back, watch the same soap on TV and then the same news channel and have dinner and go to my room and either read or blog. Do you see the missing and the most vital element? Social circle and me being me - yes!

 

So now that I can't get out of the number game, the only way out is to give myself a deadline for GMAT, take the damn exam and ace it, meanwhile job hunt at a different place in these economically wasted times. Which reminds me, there is some more frustration - I haven't been paid in the last 3 months and I can feel the pinch/slap/bang/rape that finances (or the lack of them) can cause/afflict. Anyway, coming back, all I can do is bloody focus for the next 3 odd months (HOW?!) and then get the fuck out of this place. (excuse the language, there is no other way of expression that's apt here.)

 

Wish me luck. I am dead bored of the way life's been treating me or vice versa.

 

* I have requested for the photographs. They'll be up shortly.